Dom Training
An interesting weekend.
On Friday I cleaned the whole house before lg got home, something I rarely do. I did it because lg has had a ton of stuff to keep up with lately and is having trouble with her back again. I wanted her to have a relaxing weekend. She was very appreciative.
She has, in the past, expressed interest in doing some bondage things without the spanking, flogging, etc. So, on Saturday afternoon I decided I would tie her up and leave her for an hour or so. I had planned on putting her in a position that was comfortable for her back, but I never got the chance. As I was preparing her for it, her laying on the bed already in thigh/wrist cuffs, she started with this long string of…well…no other way to put it …bitching. This cuff was bothering her, her hair was pulling, …”make sure you remember about my back!”, …how will I reach my drink?”, etc. etc…bla, bla, bla. I tried to let it go, even told her to be quiet once, but she kept on until I was pissed off. So, I pulled her out of the cuffs and told her that I wanted this weekend to be relaxing for her and that if she didn’t want to do this, then fuck it!
You see, I am still new to all of this. And I haven’t got the nuances down. Like when to heed what lg is saying to me during a session or to shut her up myself. And I get embarrassed. Embarrassment is not a good emotion for a Dom. I am always afraid that if lg says or does things that are not to my liking during a session that I will make the wrong choice. I could not listen to her and shut her up with a gag or tape, or I could listen to what she is saying (or trying to say…us Doms have ESP you know) and make a judgment about what to do accordingly. This is what I did on Saturday. And guess what? It was the wrong decision. She wanted me to shut her up, or at least not end the session. But here we are again…how am I supposed to know the difference??? She wants me to control her, but she wants me to know what she wants ahead of time…without her telling me. Catch 22 if you ask me.
lg and I talked about it and she agreed to try and let me know what she wants from me (as soon as she figures it out) and I would try not to get frustrated with her (more easily said than done).
The rest of the evening was pleasant. We spent it talking and bullshitting with each other. I did require her to suck me every half hour for the rest of the night, which she did half-heartedly. In her defense, her back is at a stage that she should be staying in bed, but she won’t. Too many things to do, dontcha know.
Lg went to bed around ten or so and I stayed up and played on the ‘net and proceeded to get very, very drunk. I let the bondage and torture newsgroups get me extremely worked up and the trials with lg from earlier started to get me pissed off again. So around six in the morning (I hadn’t been to bed yet) I went into our bedroom and threw lg over on her back.
I was bad. Cruel, even. I proceeded to punish her with the way I fucked her. She kept yelling for me to get off of her, but I did not listen. She wanted a fucking Dom, I was going to give her one.
“You scare me when you are like this!” she kept screaming.
“Well, meet your Dom, cunt!” was my only response…along with fucking her even deeper and harder, squeezing her tits the way I know she hates, slapping her pudgy belly. To be totally honest, I remember cumming, mainly because I wanted to cum in her mouth (another thing she hates) but couldn’t get up to her face in time. After that, I must have passed out, cuz next thing I knew, I was waking up and it was noon.
I laid there for a long time, thinking of what had happened. I knew that lg was probably in the living room watching TV or preparing for her family to come over and visit. At least I hoped so…that she hadn’t just left. I felt both vindicated and ashamed for what had happened. And I had no idea what lg’s reaction would be.
Finally, I left the bedroom and found lg’s mother sitting in the living room already. I walked around the corner and into the kitchen where lg was already cooking. When our eyes met, she had that look in her eyes that I recognize but can hardly ever figure out. I went up to her and opened my arms and she immediately fell into them.
“You were so mean to me this morning…” she said into my chest, her voice breaking.
“I know, baby. You know how much I love you, though, don’t you?” I replied. I was NOT going to apologize. Even if I should.
She just nodded her head below my chin and hugged me hard.
The rest of Sunday was good. lg showed no signs of being mad or upset. We had a good visit with the folks, watching the last NASCAR race of the season (Thank God!). lg was loving and attentive.
So. How to interpret this. I am still trying to figure it out. A fine line between knowing what someone says they want and what they really want. I will keep trying…’til the day I die and beyond if possible. But I also plan on holding my ground more often…so that lg gets from me what she needs…so that I get what I need…and impromptu sessions like Saturday morning’s aren’t necessary.
Forever Training. <--my new signage.
C.
On Friday I cleaned the whole house before lg got home, something I rarely do. I did it because lg has had a ton of stuff to keep up with lately and is having trouble with her back again. I wanted her to have a relaxing weekend. She was very appreciative.
She has, in the past, expressed interest in doing some bondage things without the spanking, flogging, etc. So, on Saturday afternoon I decided I would tie her up and leave her for an hour or so. I had planned on putting her in a position that was comfortable for her back, but I never got the chance. As I was preparing her for it, her laying on the bed already in thigh/wrist cuffs, she started with this long string of…well…no other way to put it …bitching. This cuff was bothering her, her hair was pulling, …”make sure you remember about my back!”, …how will I reach my drink?”, etc. etc…bla, bla, bla. I tried to let it go, even told her to be quiet once, but she kept on until I was pissed off. So, I pulled her out of the cuffs and told her that I wanted this weekend to be relaxing for her and that if she didn’t want to do this, then fuck it!
You see, I am still new to all of this. And I haven’t got the nuances down. Like when to heed what lg is saying to me during a session or to shut her up myself. And I get embarrassed. Embarrassment is not a good emotion for a Dom. I am always afraid that if lg says or does things that are not to my liking during a session that I will make the wrong choice. I could not listen to her and shut her up with a gag or tape, or I could listen to what she is saying (or trying to say…us Doms have ESP you know) and make a judgment about what to do accordingly. This is what I did on Saturday. And guess what? It was the wrong decision. She wanted me to shut her up, or at least not end the session. But here we are again…how am I supposed to know the difference??? She wants me to control her, but she wants me to know what she wants ahead of time…without her telling me. Catch 22 if you ask me.
lg and I talked about it and she agreed to try and let me know what she wants from me (as soon as she figures it out) and I would try not to get frustrated with her (more easily said than done).
The rest of the evening was pleasant. We spent it talking and bullshitting with each other. I did require her to suck me every half hour for the rest of the night, which she did half-heartedly. In her defense, her back is at a stage that she should be staying in bed, but she won’t. Too many things to do, dontcha know.
Lg went to bed around ten or so and I stayed up and played on the ‘net and proceeded to get very, very drunk. I let the bondage and torture newsgroups get me extremely worked up and the trials with lg from earlier started to get me pissed off again. So around six in the morning (I hadn’t been to bed yet) I went into our bedroom and threw lg over on her back.
I was bad. Cruel, even. I proceeded to punish her with the way I fucked her. She kept yelling for me to get off of her, but I did not listen. She wanted a fucking Dom, I was going to give her one.
“You scare me when you are like this!” she kept screaming.
“Well, meet your Dom, cunt!” was my only response…along with fucking her even deeper and harder, squeezing her tits the way I know she hates, slapping her pudgy belly. To be totally honest, I remember cumming, mainly because I wanted to cum in her mouth (another thing she hates) but couldn’t get up to her face in time. After that, I must have passed out, cuz next thing I knew, I was waking up and it was noon.
I laid there for a long time, thinking of what had happened. I knew that lg was probably in the living room watching TV or preparing for her family to come over and visit. At least I hoped so…that she hadn’t just left. I felt both vindicated and ashamed for what had happened. And I had no idea what lg’s reaction would be.
Finally, I left the bedroom and found lg’s mother sitting in the living room already. I walked around the corner and into the kitchen where lg was already cooking. When our eyes met, she had that look in her eyes that I recognize but can hardly ever figure out. I went up to her and opened my arms and she immediately fell into them.
“You were so mean to me this morning…” she said into my chest, her voice breaking.
“I know, baby. You know how much I love you, though, don’t you?” I replied. I was NOT going to apologize. Even if I should.
She just nodded her head below my chin and hugged me hard.
The rest of Sunday was good. lg showed no signs of being mad or upset. We had a good visit with the folks, watching the last NASCAR race of the season (Thank God!). lg was loving and attentive.
So. How to interpret this. I am still trying to figure it out. A fine line between knowing what someone says they want and what they really want. I will keep trying…’til the day I die and beyond if possible. But I also plan on holding my ground more often…so that lg gets from me what she needs…so that I get what I need…and impromptu sessions like Saturday morning’s aren’t necessary.
Forever Training. <--my new signage.
C.
posted by Blogger at 11:50 AM
6 Comments:
forever training is a good mantra for all of us, good luck
I don't know that I really have any advice (and don't even begin to feel qualified to offer any). What I find refreshing about this blog is the honesty. Even when it's less than flattering. I think that is very rare in the blogging world, especially coming from the Dominant's side. I'm impressed, and don't at all see it as a weakness like most dominant's seem to fear, to hear someone say "look, I don't know what the answer is here."
Why is it that when a submissive says "Help me, I'm a little lost here" the support would be flowing like the Nile, but a Dom says much the same thing and it dries up like the Sahara. Sad, that.
Just to give my opinion, which really doesn't apply much since lg and I are coming from opposite ends of the spectrum maybe (I only say that because of that post she made after reading one of my entries awhile back..lol, but I digress). For me, when I push and press buttons, toe the line, etc... I'm really just searching for His control. I need to *know* that He *knows* what He's doing, what He wants and that He'll stop at nothing until He get's it. If I'm putting my hand in the way, restrain it. If I'm whining, gag me. It's scary, to the point of panic, to fully let go of your own control if you don't fully feel the control of your partner. I don't know of anything that erodes at my confidence in Him more than when He doesn't follow through on what He says.
You said it's "A fine line between knowing what someone says they want and what they really want" but it's also a fine line between knowing when someone is confident enough to control you and when they aren't.
Well... I'm prone to rambling so I'm going to shut up now...lol.
Thank you for sharing.
Hey C..
Interesting post. Coming from a Switch's perspective, I've seen both sides of what you're talking about.
As a sub, I would often "toe the line" and test my Dom to see if he was paying attention. It's childish and very un-submissive behavior, but I needed to know if I were truly in control or if he was. Usually, my complaining got me free and able to do as I please.
As a Mistress, I'm not very nice, so I tend to take control no matter what my sub might do. Once we agree on session or a time period in which to play, we are in those roles and I intend to enforce them. If the sub starts to whine, I'll listen for a moment to decide if he's serious or just being bratty. If it's the latter, I take action to get the whining to stop. If it's serious, I ask them to word up if they really don't want to play.
Awful. Deliciously awful.
Anonymous,
I think that you missed the point of this post. I am well aware of the fact that I lost control and that I will not be able to control lg until I can control myself.
This post was a way for me to work through what happened and how I feel about it. I was not relinquishing responsibility...in fact, I was taking responsibility for my actions.
None of your insight into what a submissive is is anything I haven't already discovered. Trust is what I am seeking from lg, but it is a two-way street. lg has some responsibility in what happened that night as well. I am in control of myself 99% of the time and that night was one of just a few times in our life together that I lost it.
We have been together for over 20 years and her troubles trusting me come from her own 'stuff' as much (or more) than they do with my reactions to her. My frustration with the D/s thing just reached a boiling point.
I am not justifying my actions that night, just the process of working through the cause.
Forever Training.
C.
P.S. Sign your comment next time.
Dude, great post. As a previous comment said, it's not often that a Dominant's blog is so honest.
Forever Training... great tag. As far as I'm concerned, you found the secret to making D/s work... never quit learning.
Be well,
T
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