Pain and Other Pleasures

I have stated in the past that lg is afraid of me and what I might do to her in this new lifestyle. I have been sexually active since I was twelve and having started that journey so early, I think, had a lot to do with where that journey has led me.

I have always been a very sexual being. You might think this an exaggeration, but I have cum at least ten times a week, average, since I was twelve. Some weeks were less (not many) and some were much more (once, when I was seventeen or so, I counted 67 times in one week). If I hadn’t met lg, I believe I would have done everything in my power to get into the sex industry (and would probably be dead by now).

lg and I started our sexual relationship almost from our first date. She was not nearly as experienced as I, but was eager to learn and experience new things. Sex has always been intense between us and lg went with me into many new experiences over the years, some she liked and some she did not.

At some point (I honestly am not sure when), she and I started to drift in different directions sexually. Most of it had to do with the fact that when the boy was born, lg went immediately into ‘Mother-Mode’, her priorities changing drastically (technically, the boy was conceived during our very first session…we just didn’t know what to call it then). Both our lives were turned upside down and we both changed what our priorities were. Except for sex. I think that lg felt, at the time, like I think a lot of new mothers do, that she could not be a good mother AND be a wild slut. On certain levels I think this is true for mothers. I, on the other hand, saw no conflict between my being a father and my desire to continue my sexual journey. I think lg did find a conflict. Don’t get me wrong, we continued to have good sex, but it was usually safe, ‘normal’ sex with very little experimentation or exploration.

I had always spent a good amount of time in the bathroom, or late at night after lg was in bed, masturbating and lg never gave me a hard time for it. I think she has always been a little jealous of it, but also realized that it was much better than my going out to find someone else to ‘play’ with and I think she knew that I needed the release. Well, after the boy was born, my personal sessions started going in new directions involving pain and humiliation. I guess you could say I started playing Dom to my own sub, using fantasy as fuel. I basically started doing to myself all the things that I wanted to be doing to lg.

And I never hid what I was doing. Ok, a better way to put it is that I did not DENY what I was doing. She knew where I kept my variety of bottles, dildos, needles and other toys (she still does…just, they are in with her toys now).

So, this is where her trepidation derives from. She knows that I do all these kinky things that frighten her, but doesn’t have a clear picture of what they actually are, her imagination helping to increase her fear, I’m sure. Of course, she HAS seen some of my handy-work...

Click here

And once, even had to take me to the hospital, where I spent three days recovering from a particularly intense night (I’ll just leave it up to the reader to decide what that injury might have been…it wasn’t the night I took those pics).

So, believe me when I say that I understand her feelings. She has witnessed many of the effects of my own exploration, without being a direct part of it. It has taken me years to get to the point, sexually, that I am now. I have never had a “Dominant’, but I can tell you that I DO know about ‘sub space’ (and Dom space for that matter).

Now that lg has expressed her interest in exploring her own (kinky) needs, I have had to pull myself back in order to help her find what she wants. And I believe that she does not think that I can; that I will pull her in so deep, so fast, she’ll drown.

This couldn’t be further from the truth. I want the two of us to meet again in that journey more than anything else and the only way to do that is for lg to dive right in. The problem that I see so far is that, while she does dive in now and then, she does it with her eyes scrunched tightly closed, instead of watching what she is diving into. And this is how I can and will help her when she is ready; by guiding her through, hand in hand, the things that I have already experienced. AND holding HER hand tight when she takes a direction that I hadn’t. THAT is what excites me about all this. I need my sexual adventure partner back.

This is not a ‘slam’ post on lg. I am SO proud of her, not only for the WAY she has been handling the new things in her life, but also WHAT things she is dealing with (and not just sexually). I know that she feels like we are not as close as we could be; that we are drifting apart again, but I want her to know that the only difference between this and the hundred or so times that we have gone through major changes before is that we now have much more experience doing it. Just because we can’t see clearly exactly where we are going does not mean that we don’t know the way. We do. And I depend on her for guidance through my own turmoil…and hope that she will accept my guidance through hers.

I truly love her more than life itself. Without her, I am not me. Without her, the World is black and white. Without her, I would be dead.

Forever Training.

C.