Another Interesting Weekend

Lg did a good thing this past Saturday. She got her brothers to watch the boy for the night. She had to go somewhere with her Mom for the day, but when she got home at 8pm, it was just me and her. I had told her the previous day that she would receive her ten strokes, which were now over two weeks overdo, on Saturday night. She responded by getting our son out of the house for it.

And then I surprised her. When she got home on Saturday and we were alone, I announced that I would NOT be giving her her do this evening. To my great surprise (and pleasure, I might ad), the look on her face was one of great disappointment. I have to say that this is the very first time since we have started this adventure that I have seen this look unless it was because she WAS to receive a punishment.

The reason I decided to postpone her strokes had to do with a few things I had a chance to really think about while lg had been with her Mom. You see, we are nowhere near a 24/7 D/s relationship yet. Our ‘sessions’ have been determined mainly by opportunity. This has led to a lot of confusion and even hard feelings at times. So I spent the day on Saturday coming up with a few rules/guidelines for when our sessions would take place and what they would consist of. They are as follows:

Overall

1. During our sessions you will not be addressed by your given name, but by little girl or lg. You will do everything possible to please and serve me. I think this separation of yourself between ‘sessions’ and ‘real life’ will help you a lot.

2. One hour on Tuesday and Thursday will be sessions. I may use you in any way I see fit, including but not limited to sex, writing in your journal or for your blog or just to allow you to escape your ‘real life’ responsibilities.

3. One hour on Monday, Wednesday and Friday is to be ‘relaxation sessions’. They are for you. You may do as you wish during these sessions, as long as they help you relieve stress. This might be a good time for your exercises. You are to announce these sessions to me.

4. If any of these weekday sessions are skipped, excluding reasons of circumstance, you will receive two strokes during the weekend session. There will be at least one session every weekend, duration to be determined (but no less than one hour). If a weekend session is skipped for ANY reason, you will receive ten strokes in the next session.

Basic Rules During Sessions for lg

1. You are not to look me in the eyes unless I initiate it.

2. You are not to speak unless I ask you to. If speaking is absolutely necessary, you must ask permission before continuing.

3. Failure with the previous two rules will result in two strokes.

4. Always remember, during sessions you are NOT a wife or mother, you are a slave; MY slave. You are little girl and the ONLY thing you need to be thinking about is how you can please me.

5. You are to remain demure and respectful at all times. Negative reactions to requests will result in strokes, number to be determined. You are to try to initiate actions that you know please me without always having to be asked to.

6. You are to trust me always and refuse me nothing.

Basic Rules During Sessions for Me

1. I will never, for now, do more than one ‘new’ thing during a given session.

2. I will ALWAYS pay the closest attention to how and what you are feeling.

3. I will never get too ‘buzzed’ to follow rules one and two.

These are the basic rules we will follow for now, after lg and I had spent late into the night discussing/negotiating them. It was one of the most fun and productive evenings we have spent in a long time. There was no ‘session’ that night and we talked until dawn for the first time in probably 15 years. For my part, I rediscovered how intelligent she is (something I should NEVER forget) and how extremely sexy her intelligence is. The idea that subs are stupid girls with no personality couldn’t be further from the truth. Not that stupid girls with no personality don’t exist, just that I doubt they have the capacity to even approach a subject such as this.


C.

Conscious Shadow

I wrote this poem a few years ago. Rereading it now, with this new lifestyle in mind, it takes on a little different meaning than before. While a few of the lines don’t fit perfectly, overall, it still fits pretty damn well.

I want to be lg’s Conscious Shadow…


Conscious Shadow

I feel him with me always,
Like a protective Parent’s gaze on my first date,
A barely noticed reassurance that follows me, watches me, protects me.

He sees my failings, and commiserates.
He is there for my triumphs, with a comfortable pat on the back.
He is there to direct, console and urge,
Helping me find my correct course.

I take him for granted,
Believing he will always be there,
To embrace and envelop me when I am sad, heartbroken, moved.
To scold me when I am wicked, callous, unforgiving.

He never complains,
Even when I ignore him.

He never criticizes,
When I do not heed his advice.

He never glorifies my success,
Keeping me humble.

While I depend on him for guidance,
My appreciation of him is minimal,
For he asks for none.

Only in total darkness
Does he find peace
From my never-ending onslaught of requirements of him.

Only in total darkness
Is he allowed quiet
Against my noisy existence.

Only in total darkness
Am I ever truly alone.

I am afraid of the dark.

Without him I am blind,
Unable to evaluate my own life lessons.

Without him I am deaf,
Unable to heed the beauty and dangers that surround me.

Without him I am mute,
Unable to express my thoughts, my feelings.

Without him I am misplaced,
Invisible to myself.

Without him I am lost.


C.

BDSM On A Budget

lg and I have been reading D/s blogs for close to five months now and I have seen a trend in most of the writing. Most of these people have money! Maybe not all of them have Warren Buffett type money, but most do seem to be on the high end of the pay scale. lg and I are not in this category. While we are moving toward the top of our field, our field’s pay scale seems to be on the lower end. So, we are continuously struggling financially. I also made some poor choices as a teen and young adult that has put us behind financially. Our son was also selected for a trip to Australia this summer, so we are trying to come up with the money for that, too. With all that said, I have always been one to be thankful for the things I do have and put little importance on “becoming rich”.

Another thing that we are discovering is that this Lifestyle can be expensive! Browsing the BDSM equipment sites has been an eye-opener, for sure. lg and I have learned over the past two decades together to find ways of using things longer and making things last in order to save money. It is the same with our current obsession, as well.

Here are a few things I have done so far to get/improvise toys and equipment for our new Lifestyle:

Flogger: Leather is EXPENSIVE! While nothing can replace the look, smell and feel of heavy gauge leather, there are some things a non-rich person like myself can do to make do. The leather in my home-made flogger was acquired from a backseat car organizer, the kind that is supposed to attach to the back of the front seat. You can usually find these pretty cheap at dollar stores. I got mine for $9.95, and, while it was not the thickest, it was made of real leather. I then cut out the back and cut it into thin strips. I tied one end of the strips together with a small piece of twine. Cutting out the bottom piece of a coat hanger (about ten inches), I threaded it through the strips behind the twine and folded it in half. I then squeezed the two ends of the wire together and inserted it into one of those cheap, foam bicycle handlebar grips ($3.95). When the wire is released inside the grip, it expands and lodges tight. So, for about $15 and a piece of twine, we now have a flogger and I am happy to say that lg says that it is her very favorite.

Cane: Now I know that finding a reasonably priced cane shouldn’t be that hard, but I swear, I can’t find even a simple, unadorned one for less than $70. So, since no D/s closet/chest should be without one, once again I improvised. The solution came to me on my lunch break at work one day. I sped over to K-Mart and found that I was right. You can find a fishing rod very cheaply. I found one on sale for $6.99. When I got home that night, I clipped it about half way down and bent the loops back and forth until they came off. I then had to bend the metal points that were left from the hoops back into the rod to keep them from having a cutting affect when used (we are WAY too new for ‘barbed’ items). I also saved the thin end that I clipped off to use as a switch at some point later on (again, too new still to use yet). While the thickness is slightly less than an average cane, it works very well and lg has begun to dread (get wet over) her severest punishments.

Vibrators: Again, expensive, expensive, expensive! We have bought several vibrators; a few small typical ones and one that lg wanted badly; one of those ugly things that twists as well as vibrates. You know the one, the one with BEADS! “You can’t beat the BEADS!” says lg. lol But I have discovered a way to get ‘good vibrations’ in a cheap and versatile way. Car seat massagers. I have tried many of these contraptions and found that the cheap ones are barely worth buying for there intended purpose. This doesn’t make them useless, though. If you take these things apart, being careful not to break any connections in the wires, you can use the vibrating ‘nodes’ anywhere you want. I found one (they had six of them) at a Salvation Army store for $10. I carefully took it apart and found it had eight nodes, all controlled by one remote. The nodes can be placed anywhere we want and held in place by surgical tape. (On a side note, we {that is, lg} learned the hard way about electrical tape…ouch!)

Dildos: Nothing can replace the soft, pliable dildos that are on the market today (save the real thing). But there are other ways of improvising this as well. I have recently started carving and am in the process of making dildos, as well as other toys, in various shapes and sizes. If all goes well, I would like to be able to have a decent enough sized inventory to get a booth and sell them for Biketoberfest in Daytona in October. I may, at some point, sell them over the web. We will see. Anyway, if you don’t mind the hardness of them, this is much less expensive than buying dildos at retail prices (assuming you carve them yourself…mine won’t be cheap either…lol).

Spreaders: I have a special liking for these devices. Seeing lg with absolutely no ability to close her legs/knees/ankles is an extreme turn on for both of us. Once again though, they are expensive. While I would dearly like to have a set of fine quality spreaders, this is what I did in the meantime. I went to Home Depot and bought a 15’ length of one inch PCV pipe for $8. I then measured lg for what lengths would be comfortable for her. Then I drilled two holes on each end and one in the middle, and ran a rope through the pipe, leaving a small loop of it through the hole in the middle, out one of the holes at the end and back in the other hole. I then ran the rope back through the pipe and did the same thing with the holes on that end and tied the rope. A small bit of rope is tied to the loop in the middle to keep it from being pulled back into the pipe. The loop can then be used to tighten or loosen the bigger loops at the end when in use. The ends of the pipe should also be sanded to keep down on the chaffing. Simple, and not very pretty, but very affective.

You can always come up with ways of getting what you need, if you want it bad enough.

This Past Weekend

This weekend was a good one for us, despite the fact that our son decided NOT to spend the night away on Saturday. **sigh** Oh, well. We still got to play a little.

Friday Night: lg and I agreed that even though the boy wasn’t going anywhere this weekend, we would still be in our D/s mode. We started with shaving off all of lg’s pubic hair. She has a beautiful pussy, with large, meaty outer lips and delicate, bright pink inner lips. I then inserted a 2” diameter ball inside her pussy, which she left in while she cleaned up and made dinner; about two hours. After dinner, we both caught a slight buzz and retired to the bedroom for a two hour session of hot, loving, ‘normal’ sex.

Saturday: Saturday was to be our day-long ‘session’. I awoke to breakfast in bed. After I finished eating I positioned lg on her knees on the bed, her ass (plump and round and smooth) presented beautifully. I watched TV for a while, stroking her ass and pussy softly. I then flogged her (with my homemade flogger, thank you very much! 'D/s on a Budget'….coming soon) back and ass for about an hour. The flogging was not very severe; I had already decided that this weekend would be somewhat light, due to lg’s obvious fears and insecurities on this issue in the last week or so. I didn’t, of course, tell lg this. After the flogging, I fucked her very hard and unsympathetically. She came hard, which I allowed. For about an hour or so, I let her nap lightly, her face pressed to my chest, while I watched TV with one eye and the fading red marks on her back and butt with the other. After I made us some lunch (homemade roast beef subs), it was time for a mini-training session.

lg has always been an enthusiastic lover, always willing to try new things. She has, however, been reluctant to consistently engage in certain sexual acts and has trouble with a few. She has always had a stigma against things like cum-swallowing, anal sex and anything having to do with pee. She also, while again, very enthusiastic, has trouble with sucking cock. This is what we worked on for quite a while on Saturday.

Something that lg has wanted to do for a very long time now is have a threesome with another male. We have had several experiences with other women, and a once with another couple, but never with just another man. We have discussed this in the past but on Saturday I told her of a plan I had for this. I told her that she could have another man when she could satisfy him with ALL of her holes with NO resistance. This does two things. First, it gives lg motivation for practicing/perfecting her sexual techniques, especially deep throating and anal sex, both of which she has substantial problems with. Second, I know this will take time which will give me more time to get over my own jealousies and insecurities.

lg spent almost three hours sucking my cock on Saturday (our son spent most of the day at a friends house next door). I was extremely proud and pleased with her. At one point, she went a half hour without ever taking my cock out of her mouth. lg has a very bad gag reflex, and she came real close to throwing up a bunch of times. In the past, this would almost always affect her negatively, sometimes stopping the sexual encounter completely. On Saturday, though, when she gagged, there was barely a hesitation before she plunged my cock back down her throat. By the time I had her stop, she was sucking in 2/3 of my cock on each stroke without choking. I know that she will get to the point where she can take all of my eight inches (it really is, I swear) all the way in without a problem. Patience and practice. I also didn’t cum in her mouth. One thing at a time.

We hung out and I watched movies for the rest of the day, while lg read ‘The Story of O’ (which she finished in one day) next to me. I still exerted my will on her, i.e. giving her a slap now and then, making her be the one to get something from the kitchen, her having to ask to go to the bathroom, etc. But, for the most part, we just enjoyed being with each other. After the boy was home and holed up in his room talking to his girlfriend on the phone, we fell asleep in each others arms, the TV still on.

Sunday: Sunday was a different story all together. We spend our Sundays at lg’s folks house for NASCAR (puke!) and Sunday dinner, which lg and her mother prepare every week. lg and I were to keep up the D/s session throughout the day, keeping in mind that we couldn’t really do anything major. She said that she mainly just wanted me to be with her. As it turned out, I had to ride with one of lg’s brothers to go pick up another brother in Daytona, usually an hour ride one way. Except…this was the last weekend of BIKE WEEK in Daytona! So we ended up sitting in traffic for almost four hours. While I didn’t mind this too bad (plenty of ‘hot scenery’ to look at during Bike Week), it didn’t please lg at all. Finally, after getting back, I did what I usually do on Sundays, hung out with our son and lg’s brothers playing video games. After dinner, which we all eat together, the boys wanted me to stay and watch the movie ‘Saw’ with them. Now, I have done this before, and have had arguments in the past with lg over the fact that I don’t go out to bars (or practically anyplace else) without her. And when I do, it is almost always with her brothers (23 & 19 years old) at her mother’s house. Can’t get much safer than that! lg has, in the past, realized this and I thought that it was a non-issue now. I was wrong, again. When lg found out that I wanted to stay, first she fell into her old pattern of getting huffy and pouty about it, all the while saying that it was ok. Then, just when I was about to drive her and the boy home, she burst into tears. While it kinda made me angry, I agreed to come home with them. She continued to say it was ok that I stay, even through her sobs. I went home.

When we got home, lg and I had a very long discussion about her reaction. She told me that it was mostly due to the fact that she really needed to be with me and that she was actually mad at her self for needing me so much. What I failed to realize was that even though our weekend ‘session’ had not been very physically taxing on lg, it WAS on an emotional level. I hadn’t even officially ended the session. I learned that I have to pay VERY close attention to every aspect of a session and lg learned that she needs to tell me exactly what she is feeling, up front.

C.

NOTE: I just read through this post and don’t want to give the impression that lg is some kind of basket case. She is not. Her moodiness is perfectly understandable, considering the feelings that she is working through. There are also everyday issues (finances, the boy, etc.) that we are dealing with. We are at one of those stages in life where everything is changing so fast that it is almost impossible to keep up.

Some Background

Note: It seems like there are a million questions about all this rolling around in my head. Therefore, my posts may seem a little hodge-podge at first as I lay out my thoughts, one at a time. I hope you will bear with me.

My little girl was 17 when we met and I was 18. She was a manager where I worked and over the years we have worked together pretty much wherever we have gone. If she wasn’t my direct boss, then she was always in a higher position than myself. Looking in from the outside she is a strong-willed, organized woman who has always ended up in a position of authority. While first impressions of lg (little girl) are of a sweet little thing (she is 5 feet even), she quickly earns respect from the people around her. As we have discovered, it is not uncommon for a sub to be almost the complete opposite in the ‘real world’.

Our relationship, as well as our sex life, from the very beginning, has been intense. lg has always submitted to my rather controlling demeanor and has enjoyed the assorted sexual adventures I have created over the years. While lg has always taken care of the mundane, day to day stuff, like keeping house and paying bills, ultimately, I have always made the decisions. When it came to sex (and now more than ever), lg was always a bottom, coming hardest when the sex was rough, or when I asked her to do something ‘kinky’.

Four months ago I got an untitled email from her with nothing in it but a link.

http://www.waitingforthepain.blogspot.com/

I read for about two hours and was enthralled by what I saw and what lg might be trying to tell me. Believe me when I say that I was extremely excited. I mean, I can’t think of any guy that wouldn’t be excited if their partner suddenly told them that she/he wanted to be dominated in every way. Of course, I didn’t know yet just how complicated all this could be.

Later that evening, lg and I talked about the blog she had sent me to and confirmed that yes, she did indeed want to talk about the possibility of trying this lifestyle. We talked for hours, about how our relationship has developed over the years. We both concluded that, in truth, we had been living a vanilla version of the Lifestyle for many years already. lg said that she thought that many of the problems we have had may have been from our inability to clarify what we both wanted and that, with the Lifestyle, the parameters of our relationship would be clearly defined. I agreed.

Our start into the Lifestyle the past four months has been slow, as I think it should be. We have kept it, for the most part, in our bedroom. It has been difficult due to outside influences (work, our twelve year old son) and by our own inexperience. While we have had several ‘sessions’ or ‘scenes’, some of them ending in major arguments, the Lifestyle outside the bedroom has been limited to things like my allowing her to wear thongs only or no panties at all and always lifting her skirt above her waist when riding in the car. All still very vanilla.

Some of the sessions that ended badly were my responsibility and some were hers.

Her Problem #1: lg has expressed her sincere desire for this change in our life and her desire to please me. She has always been inverted emotionally, growing up in a broken home. She has step-moms and step-dads all over the east coast. She has had to be responsible for herself and others since very early childhood. She is having a very hard time letting go of her control and submitting completely to me. She says she wants this, but then feels hurt or angry when I try to do it.

My Problem #1: I know what must be done to help her let go of control. I simply have to take it, breaking her down. There in lies my first big problem. A Dominant must be many things to their sub, confident and organized being two of the most important. But, since truthfully, lg and I basically grew up together, I give her credit for teaching me these qualities, which I must admit, I have not always had. This makes things difficult in several ways. First, she recognizes and is able to counter almost any method I use to dominate her. She knows me better than I do in a lot of ways. Second, I love this woman more than life itself, and the idea of ‘breaking her down’, while I know is what needs to be done, is a major risk. Breaking a person down can result in a broken person, and that is absolutely unacceptable. Also, how far do I break her down…I don’t want to or think I need to break her all the way. In fact, part of me is afraid that things in our relationship that are good, and have taken years to develop, might be damaged.

Possible Solution: Take it slow. While, at first, the way our new Lifestyle has been materializing seemed disorganized, I think that I am on the right track. lg is starting to trust in my ability more each day. This past weekend our only scheduled session was canceled due to our son wanting friends to spend the night at the last minute. On Sunday morning, however, I woke her up by putting a finger in her ass, which is something she has always had trouble with. She woke up kicking and screaming. I held her down, keeping my finger in place, until the yelling turned to crying and pleading. Still, I held it in place. She buried her face into my chest and cried hard. Harder, I think, than the single finger warranted. Finally her sobs subsided, and I gently pulled my finger out of her and held her close for a long while. When we finally got out of bed she told me that she loved me and was in a better mood than I have seen her in for quite awhile.

I know that we are heading for a full blown, week-long Training Session. I know that I DO have to break down many walls to get her to where she wants to be. I just have to have self control with my horniness and confidence in myself to know what to do, how long to do it and how far to go.

C.

A New Dominant

I have created this blog, basically, for two reasons. Reason One: To use as a way to work through my own thoughts about a very new part of my life. Reason Two: To get feedback from others that are into this strange, exciting, scary new world I find myself in.

You see, I found out about 4 months ago that my wife of 19 years is a submissive. Ok, after 19 years you would think that I would have known that, and I did, but we had never put an actual label on it before. It turns out that she has been reading quite a few blogs of other submissives and shared with me her desire to explore the possibility of our trying this lifestyle.

Now, I have been an avid porn fan for as long as I can remember, and have enjoyed many S&M & bondage films over the years. Only now have I started to examine the motivations behind those seemingly macho, woman bashing (literally & figuratively) scenes I have been masturbating to for so long. And there are a couple things that I figured out rather quickly.

First: Most of those movies are totally full of shit.
Second: It takes a lot more than a whip and a pair of handcuffs to take good care of a submissive.

Since my little girl (my wife) told me of her desire, I have since been reading the blogs myself and have discovered the immense subtleties and complexities of the unique relationship between the Dom and the sub. And that, truthfully, the role of the Dominant is as hard as, if not harder, than that of the submissive.

Hence the creation of my own blog. These relationships are explored in the blogs that my little girl and I have read almost exclusively from the view of the sub. While I have found some amazing information on the web created by Doms, I have found very little dialog from them (i.e. forums, decent chatrooms, blogs).

So, I will start to lay out my thoughts, feelings and problems with this lifestyle here and hope that other, more experienced, Doms will stumble upon it and maybe take a minute or two to respond to my posts.

Or, maybe, it will just sit here unread, and I will have to make due with the fact that writing all this down will help me in it’s own right.

Thanks for reading this…or not.

C.