Here is a survey I created...

(I'm such an HTML Junkie!)

1. At what age did you consciously acknowledge your D/s or M/s tendencies?	I have always had a dominating personality, but it has only been in the last few months that I consciously acknowledge it.
2. Are you currently in a D/s or M/s relationship?	Yes
3. If so, are you 24/7?	No
4. How long have you been in this relationship?	20 years
5. Did it start out as a D/s or M/s relationship or progress to it?	No
6. Do you use a ‘safe’ word?	We have one, but haven't needed to use it yet.
7. If so, describe the circumstances the last time your ‘safe’ word was used.	It hasn't been used yet.
8. Name your favorite toy and why it’s your favorite.	The fishing rod...because of the mixed look of fear and anticipation it produces in my partners eyes.
9. Have you ever attended a ‘munch’?	No, but I am VERY curios about them.
10. If so, how many have you been to?	None
11. The first time you attended, was it what you expected?	Don't know yet.
12. How many ‘sessions’ or ‘scenes’ do you engage in weekly?	1 or 2
13. How often do ‘sessions’ or ‘scenes’ involve other people besides your partner?	They haven't yet.
14. If you could change one thing about your current D/s M/s situation, what would it be?	That we could get past the "Beginners Jitters".
15. In the grand scheme of things, are you happy?	Absolutely
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

I've Been Tagged...

Thanks, kaylem, for tagging me…

1. Total number of books I've owned

Over the years lg and I have consistently owned more books than we had shelf space, which is contradictory to how I feel about owning books. My dad instilled in me at a very young age the principle of reading and passing on books so they can be enjoyed by as many people as possible. A total number of books? We have owned hundreds, if not thousands, over the years.


2. The last book I bought

Carrie’s Story by Molly Weatherfield – An adventure into one woman’s venture into the world of S&M. A pretty good book – A little more up-to-date look at the lifestyle than The story of O, which we also bought at the same time and I enjoyed as well. (told you we were new to this…lol)

3. The last book I read

Utopia by Lincoln Child – An easy and uncomplicated read, although his research on how professional fireworks are hand-fired was a little lacking.


4. 5 books that mean something to me

The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint – The first book I ever read that changed the way I looked at the world around me and how the written word can take you anywhere…I was nine years old.

Watership Down by Richard Adams – Another book that affected me deeply…

The entire Foundation series by Isaac Asimov – A look at how time and space are relative and how we fit into it (in a nut shell)…

The Lord of the Ring series by J.R.R. Tolkien – I have read this series every eight or nine years since I was ten and gotten a different message from it each time. I loved the movies, for what they were, but how they could just delete Tom Bombadil from the story I will never understand.

The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff – A look at Taoism and other eastern philosophies from a western perspective. I love this book. While I was reading it I felt like it was describing things in my life that I hadn’t been able to put my finger on before.


5. Tag 5 people and request they fill this out on their journals

Ok, I think that all the people I could tag have already been tagged except two…

ash

little girl

Have fun...

C.

Thanks for the comments! People really are reading this...lol

I decided to post my response to the comments from my previous post because I’m not sure how many characters the comments section will allow, and as some may have noticed, I can ramble on a bit.

Kalem – Since I got the link from your blog, I had the feeling you would like the first one. If I’m not mistaken, it’s very similar to yours.

Anonymous – Thanks for the input. Since we are new at this, the difference between latex and leather never really crossed my mind. Something to keep in mind, for sure. As far as MY choosing the collar that I like, I happily give this choice to lg. My grandfather used to raise and train horses and he used to say that while corporal punishment was a very big part of the training process, there were other more subtle means of getting the horse to do as he wanted, especially at first. You have to find a way to make them feel THEY are the ones making the decision. lg and I are at the gate of this lifestyle, peering through to the other side, toeing that ‘line’. We can see the surface of things in there, but we have to ENTER the gate to get the deeper understanding that we are looking for. And its scary as Hell! Especially for lg. And anything that helps her step through is, at this point, the most important thing.

Terri – I like them all too! : )

Nuala – My response to your comment is also a response to the last part of anonymous’s as well. Right now lg and I are not 24/7. I think it has to start out this way and because of this, lg is having trouble separating ‘real’ life with our D/s experimentation. It is also hard for her to let go of control, considering she is somewhat of a controloholic in her ‘real’ life. I believe this is at the core of her desire for this lifestyle in the first place. When I collar her it will be a symbol of her submission and my dominance of her, but also a concrete representation of who she is when she wears it. She will no longer be my wife, but my little girl, whom I can do with as I please, separating her two lives. She will be expected to do as I ask, without question. Our D/s time may not always be this way, but I wish not to project what way it will be. We will start out this way and see how things progress. I think that her doing this will help her in her ‘real’ life in so many ways, and that the two lives may eventually start to blend together like is apparent with some of the more experienced subs whose blogs I read. But again, this is a projection. So, I agree that the collar must mean what it implies. This is why I chose only collars with rings attached; so that there is no confusion as to what it represents. lg has found quite a few collars that she likes and wants that are frilly and pretty and she will get them when the time comes. But her first, like you both said, should be utilitarian and be representative of her commitment to this. How often will she wear it? Well, after I collar her on that Friday in June (which I think we are taking off from work as well as Thursday for obvious reasons), she will wear it until Sunday evening. We will then discuss the weekend together and make determinations about how and when we will do it again, for how long, etc.

I know it may seem to a lot of people who read my blog, especially other subs, that I worry about what lg wants maybe too much; that, as a dom, kowtowing to her so much is contradictory to what she actually wants. But the fact is that we MUST go slow. Think back to when you first started a D/s or M/s relationship for the first time. There are so many nuances to any relationship and this lifestyle only adds more. Plus, many of the subs I read started those relationships with the lifestyle in mind from the beginning. lg and I have a twenty year history together. Some of the things that kept us together help us in this new lifestyle, but others make it harder and in some cases, have to be unlearned. And as I said in one of my very first posts here, I will not allow any of this to jeopardize what we have taken so long to build.

It is a huge help to get feedback to my thoughts and helps me work through them and get on to new issues. When Gabriel and kaylem came back to us after their scare, they talked about how they had to come back because the online community was their only support system. This is the same for us. My best friends are lg’s brothers, so I can’t even bring up vanilla sex in our normal ‘guy’ talk, let alone D/s. So, thanks for the comments and I look forward to any advice/criticisms anyone has for me.

C.

We’ve Made It Around The Bend…

The bills are finally getting caught up and all of the boy’s trips this summer are finalized. We are still having to watch our money very closely, but we are definitely over the hump. The boy’s first trip is to Boston for a week, so that leaves lg and I alone from June 9 to June 15.
So, this is what I am proposing for our first week alone in several years.

Thursday, June 9th – The boy’s plane for Boston leaves in the morning, so we will have to take the day off from work. Our boss gave me three days and nights in our town’s best 5-star hotel and dinner at a 5-star restaurant as a bonus a few months back, so lg and I will go to dinner and use one of the nights in the hotel. This will be a celebration of two things. First, a reward to lg for her creative financing over the last several months which is allowing our son to be a globetrotter for the summer (his destinations include D.C., Boston, L.A., Virginia and twelve cities in Australia, including a night with an Aborigines tribe). Second, this will be a reward to ourselves for doing all the hard things we have done for each other to stay together for so long. We will also use the evening to discuss and reassert our desires when it comes to the new D/s lifestyle we are exploring.

Friday, Jun 10th – Assuming that our discussions of the previous night go well, we will go home after work and I will officially collar lg for the weekend. Lg has never been collared, and I think it will help with our distinction between our ‘real’ lives and our D/s lives. Neither of us has ever been one for ceremony, but I think a short ritual with both of us having a portion of time to say what we feel is important. We will also come up with our ‘safe word’. Also, lg must pick from several choices I give her for her first collar by this day. Here are her choices:

Choice 1

Choice 2

Choice 3

Choice 4

Choice 5

Choice 6

Choice 7

Choice 8

Lock & Chain Dress Collar Fifth one from the top...

Note: I’d be curious to know what any subs that read this (if any) or anyone else would choose. Leave a comment with your choice.

Sunday, June 12th - We will have another discussion on Sunday evening to see what we both liked, disliked, etc. We will then decide where to go from there.

Until then, we will continue our lives the way we have been when it comes to D/s. I have not been particularly demanding and lg has not been particularly submissive, but I realize it has given us both time to examine what we really want. This gives us seventeen more days to get our focus back on us.

I look forward to this week in June very much. I will miss and worry about the boy immensely, but lg and I need this time alone sooooo badly!

Keep Living.

C.

We look forward to spring…and then what?

Maybe its just me, but it seems like all the D/s blogs I read seem to be going through the same things…decidedly NON-D/s feelings. A major case of the BLAs all around. This is going on with us as well. I was sick for several days and lg has been fighting her stress levels for all she is worth. We have paid off the boy’s trip…now if we can just come up with money to eat for the next few weeks. lol Truthfully, we are almost through it and having an end in sight is a huge help. All these things contribute to my not feeling very Dominate and lg not being very submissive.

On Friday night around 2am I couldn’t sleep and had a raging hard-on. I went into our bedroom and turned lg over on her back. I slid between her legs and was going to slip something else into her when she woke up. It was not a nice encounter. She pulled her knees to her chest and forced me to my side of the bed. I then (stupidly) tried again. Again, she forced me off of her, this time with a few choice words for me. Now, in my defense, this tactic has worked before and many times with fantastic results. But this time, she was in no mood.

I have been thinking about this incident a lot since it happened. lg has still been distant from me. She says that it is because of the day-to-day struggles that we are going through, but I’m starting to think its more than that. The following is NOT going to sound very Dom-like.

I may have troubles putting these into words but here are some problems I’m having.

1. I am not feeling like a good Dom.
This new ‘position’ as Dom has me feeling inadequate for lg in ways that I didn’t feel before I took it. I have always thought of the two of us as equals in every way. Now that I have been paying more attention to what she and I do for each other, I come to the realization that we are not equal. Truthfully? When it comes to day-to-day things, she does more, period. She does everything I do, plus about 75% more. I always thought of myself as a ‘provider’ for lg, but now I am having to redefine exactly what I’m providing her with. It certainly isn’t what most consider as provider (take care of bills, make the money, etc.).

2. I feel like lg is waiting for me to do something.
As we grow into this new style of relationship, I find myself LESS decisive than I did before. Issues between us that have always been dealt with (for the most part) at the time the issue came up, I now find myself hesitating and find lg, I think, doing the same. I also can’t seem to find a rhythm when it comes to showing my dominance over her (which, lately, I have been having to remind myself over and over that she asked for this), of which last Friday night is a prime example. Does she really want this, or is the whole idea a way for her to get more attention from me, considering that I, myself, have seen how much more I do pay attention to her now. Also, the few Doms that have blogs that I can find all seem to be in total control of themselves and the world around them at ALL times. What do I do when something like last Friday night goes so wrong? Do I then have to start from the beginning with her? I know that part of the ‘play’ is to do things for and to lg without her having to ask. But really, that seems to leave the possibility of mistakes (especially on my part) to be made and those mistakes can do more than just ruin the mood on a given evening. Yet, I always seem to sense from her this desire for me to just ‘take’ her, giving her freedom from the day-to-day responsibilities.

3. What do I do when lg decides she does NOT want to be submissive today?
I know that part of my job is to ‘see’ what she wants and to deliver it to her. I have dedicated my life to that. But the current situation has me at somewhat of a loss. How do I really know what lg is truly needing? Random example: After work, lg is stressing over important, if mundane, things that we cannot change this evening. She is breaking out in hives, is breathing heavy and is snapping at everyone. I know that the things she is worried about cannot be fixed tonight and that she should be taking this time to relax, regenerate. How do I get her out of this funk? On the one hand, I could take the logical approach and sit her down and help her see how nothing will change tonight and that she has done everything she can. On the D/s hand, I could take her in the bedroom, tie her wrists and ankles to the bed and give her ten whacks with the cane, and then explain. I want to do the latter, especially since the explanations alone lately have not seemed to be helping her much and I really think this is what she wants me to do, even if she isn’t saying it. But I won’t know for sure until I do something, and if it was the wrong thing to do, it’s too late.

4. I want lg to PROVE her submission to me.
While lg does things for me everyday and that can serve as proof of her submission, she still struggles with total submission. At the beginning of all this, I said that I wanted her to prove her LOVE for me. This made her very angry, and I understand. It wasn’t what I meant (and I am discovering the importance of saying EXACTLY what you mean). I want lg to prove her SUBMISSION is what I should have said, and have said to her since. I know she needs time for this, and the current events of our lives have not helped. But I feel like our D/s relationship can’t go much further without this. I also know that pressuring her right now could kill the whole thing. But I don’t truly think I can ‘take’ lg until she proves to me that it is not only OK, but what she really wants.

5. lg is afraid of me.
Not in the sense that she thinks I will be bad to her. I think that she is dealing with these (not-so) new feelings within her and where they will take her, which is hard in itself. But I also think that she is afraid of where I might take her. I had a very adventurous sex life before her and have gone places, especially when it comes to pain, since we have been together that I think that she thinks she can’t handle. She believes that I will go too far too fast. I have been taking this whole process very, very slow for this very reason. But she has to take that first step over the ‘line’, I can’t push her over it. I think she believes, no matter what I say, that once she steps over the line, I won’t be able to control myself. I guess her trust in me is still a bit shaky, even after nineteen years. I understand, though. Maybe it’s BECAUSE of those nineteen years.

Overall, things are still good, if tense. I can only hope that lg always knows how much I love her and if she decides today that all this was a mistake, I will not love her any less. I will be here for her as long as I live and beyond if it is possible.

I should redo the explanation of this blog as “A Place For Dominates (namely me) To Feel Sorry For Themselves (mainly myself)”.

“It’s great to be the Boss!” Yea, right.

Keep Living.

C.

And The Stress Continues...

I was wrong in a previous post…the deadline for the boy’s trip is May 15, so we have 10 days left. The stress is building for both lg and I, but it’s harder for lg. I am usually able to let issues go when I know there isn’t anything I can do about it at that moment. lg is not like this. She will think about every little aspect of what is going on until it makes her sick. To her credit, she is much better at letting things go now than she used to be, but it is still a struggle.

The money situation is a little overwhelming. I mean, when you have to worry about how much milk you’re drinking, you know your cutting things close. We sent out letters to all of our family and some close family friends to ask for financial help with our son’s trip. I absolutely hated sending those letters…I don’t want to ask anyone for anything. But, I couldn’t let my pride be responsible for him missing this opportunity, so we sent them. Boy, you really get to see who is who when you do something like that. For instance, lg’s grandparents, who are on a fixed income, sent $250 while a close friend, who has known the boy all his life and happens to be a multi-millionaire, sent $100. I know, how could I possibly complain, he didn’t have to send anything, but damn, he knows what our financial situation is and it feels like that $100 is him flipping us a quarter and saying “Don’t bother me!” Others have yet to send anything and if they don’t, then we may be in real trouble.

Our work has been very stressful lately too. Last week I got into a heated discussion with my boss. She is one of those people that is much more interested in appearances than in reality. To her, if everyone looks happy, then they are and that is the way she likes it. To hell with the fact that people aren’t happy. She wants no conflict, ever, even if a little conflict can take care of a problem and actually make things better. She ended our ‘discussion’ by saying “…if you don’t like your job here, then why don’t you just find another one!” I calmly left the building. An hour later, I had to go back and kiss her ass to keep my job, even though I was absolutely right. I was still wiping the shit off my chin when I got home that night. Ten years ago I would have told her exactly what I thought of the stupid bitch, but I have learned not to burn bridges unless it is absolutely necessary. I am currently looking for another job.

lg works at the same place I do on the same floor. We deal with the same people, so when all that happened last week, lg had to deal with it at work as well as at home. She handled it well, like we always do when it comes to work (we have worked at the same place together at four different companies in two different fields over the last twenty years). But it still adds to our overall stress level.

In addition, the boy has gotten a D on both of his last two report cards. He has started dating and is putting his social life ahead of school work. I know this is normal for his age (twelve), but again, it adds to stress. I, personally, am having trouble with the fact that he is not only dating girls with boobs, they are HOT! Maybe I’m crazy, but I don’t remember twelve year old girls looking like that when I was twelve! I took the boy’s girlfriend and his best friend’s girlfriend home from the movies last Friday night and couldn’t believe that their parents would let them out of the house dressed like that! They both had on white, skin-tight blouses that left absolutely nothing to the imagination, and mini-skirts so fucking short, I could see both their panties in the headlights of my car as they walked up the driveway of their house after I dropped them off! I have had several talks with the boy about sex, drugs and life in general, but I think he is due for another. Still, thank God we had a boy!

And it all adds to our stress.

And then there is lg and I, and the ways our relationship is changing. All the things we have been talking about and dealing with and the closeness I think we are getting to should not be adding to our stress, but helping relieve it. It doesn’t seem to be, though.

lg has been very withdrawn in the last week or so. I have done nothing to try to change this, believing that she needs time on her own. I know that I do. While I think that a few whacks from the cane would help her let go of the things that she cannot control right now, I don’t push the subject, or even bring up D/s issues right now. Mainly because I don’t want her feeling like she is being punished for anything she is doing right now. She is taking care of things in her life the best way she can. I only want to have a session to distract her, and me, but NOT to punish her.

Day before yesterday, lg started trying to catch up on her blowjob sessions. She had got up to owing me seventy minutes. Again, I did not make an issue of it except to mention how long she owed every now and then. On her own, she decided to start catching up on Tuesday. She spent five minutes of every hour sucking until 11pm. It was very pleasant for me (she is getting extremely good at it!), if a little frustrating considering we did not have sex that night. She told me before we went to sleep that she wanted to make sure that I didn’t think that her moodiness lately was because of me. I told her that I knew that and that she should just concentrate on herself with whatever free time she had (which isn’t much). Today, during lunch, she said again that she felt that I was angry/upset/depressed about her distance from me. I told her that I understood and that it was OK. All I can do right now, I think, is keep letting her do what she needs to and try to support her whenever I can.

I know that all this doesn’t really sound like a couple into D/s. The truth is we are NOT a D/s couple…yet. We are working into it the way we have worked into other stages of our lives like we always have. And we have always survived the transition and have come out of it stronger. Sure, I want to ravage lg whenever I want. I want to feel the welts on her ass under my fingertips and hear her thank me for them. And I believe I will. But like anything worthwhile, it’s worth waiting for.

God, I can’t wait for July!

C.