Pain and Other Pleasures

I have stated in the past that lg is afraid of me and what I might do to her in this new lifestyle. I have been sexually active since I was twelve and having started that journey so early, I think, had a lot to do with where that journey has led me.

I have always been a very sexual being. You might think this an exaggeration, but I have cum at least ten times a week, average, since I was twelve. Some weeks were less (not many) and some were much more (once, when I was seventeen or so, I counted 67 times in one week). If I hadn’t met lg, I believe I would have done everything in my power to get into the sex industry (and would probably be dead by now).

lg and I started our sexual relationship almost from our first date. She was not nearly as experienced as I, but was eager to learn and experience new things. Sex has always been intense between us and lg went with me into many new experiences over the years, some she liked and some she did not.

At some point (I honestly am not sure when), she and I started to drift in different directions sexually. Most of it had to do with the fact that when the boy was born, lg went immediately into ‘Mother-Mode’, her priorities changing drastically (technically, the boy was conceived during our very first session…we just didn’t know what to call it then). Both our lives were turned upside down and we both changed what our priorities were. Except for sex. I think that lg felt, at the time, like I think a lot of new mothers do, that she could not be a good mother AND be a wild slut. On certain levels I think this is true for mothers. I, on the other hand, saw no conflict between my being a father and my desire to continue my sexual journey. I think lg did find a conflict. Don’t get me wrong, we continued to have good sex, but it was usually safe, ‘normal’ sex with very little experimentation or exploration.

I had always spent a good amount of time in the bathroom, or late at night after lg was in bed, masturbating and lg never gave me a hard time for it. I think she has always been a little jealous of it, but also realized that it was much better than my going out to find someone else to ‘play’ with and I think she knew that I needed the release. Well, after the boy was born, my personal sessions started going in new directions involving pain and humiliation. I guess you could say I started playing Dom to my own sub, using fantasy as fuel. I basically started doing to myself all the things that I wanted to be doing to lg.

And I never hid what I was doing. Ok, a better way to put it is that I did not DENY what I was doing. She knew where I kept my variety of bottles, dildos, needles and other toys (she still does…just, they are in with her toys now).

So, this is where her trepidation derives from. She knows that I do all these kinky things that frighten her, but doesn’t have a clear picture of what they actually are, her imagination helping to increase her fear, I’m sure. Of course, she HAS seen some of my handy-work...

Click here

And once, even had to take me to the hospital, where I spent three days recovering from a particularly intense night (I’ll just leave it up to the reader to decide what that injury might have been…it wasn’t the night I took those pics).

So, believe me when I say that I understand her feelings. She has witnessed many of the effects of my own exploration, without being a direct part of it. It has taken me years to get to the point, sexually, that I am now. I have never had a “Dominant’, but I can tell you that I DO know about ‘sub space’ (and Dom space for that matter).

Now that lg has expressed her interest in exploring her own (kinky) needs, I have had to pull myself back in order to help her find what she wants. And I believe that she does not think that I can; that I will pull her in so deep, so fast, she’ll drown.

This couldn’t be further from the truth. I want the two of us to meet again in that journey more than anything else and the only way to do that is for lg to dive right in. The problem that I see so far is that, while she does dive in now and then, she does it with her eyes scrunched tightly closed, instead of watching what she is diving into. And this is how I can and will help her when she is ready; by guiding her through, hand in hand, the things that I have already experienced. AND holding HER hand tight when she takes a direction that I hadn’t. THAT is what excites me about all this. I need my sexual adventure partner back.

This is not a ‘slam’ post on lg. I am SO proud of her, not only for the WAY she has been handling the new things in her life, but also WHAT things she is dealing with (and not just sexually). I know that she feels like we are not as close as we could be; that we are drifting apart again, but I want her to know that the only difference between this and the hundred or so times that we have gone through major changes before is that we now have much more experience doing it. Just because we can’t see clearly exactly where we are going does not mean that we don’t know the way. We do. And I depend on her for guidance through my own turmoil…and hope that she will accept my guidance through hers.

I truly love her more than life itself. Without her, I am not me. Without her, the World is black and white. Without her, I would be dead.

Forever Training.

C.

Dom Training

An interesting weekend.

On Friday I cleaned the whole house before lg got home, something I rarely do. I did it because lg has had a ton of stuff to keep up with lately and is having trouble with her back again. I wanted her to have a relaxing weekend. She was very appreciative.

She has, in the past, expressed interest in doing some bondage things without the spanking, flogging, etc. So, on Saturday afternoon I decided I would tie her up and leave her for an hour or so. I had planned on putting her in a position that was comfortable for her back, but I never got the chance. As I was preparing her for it, her laying on the bed already in thigh/wrist cuffs, she started with this long string of…well…no other way to put it …bitching. This cuff was bothering her, her hair was pulling, …”make sure you remember about my back!”, …how will I reach my drink?”, etc. etc…bla, bla, bla. I tried to let it go, even told her to be quiet once, but she kept on until I was pissed off. So, I pulled her out of the cuffs and told her that I wanted this weekend to be relaxing for her and that if she didn’t want to do this, then fuck it!

You see, I am still new to all of this. And I haven’t got the nuances down. Like when to heed what lg is saying to me during a session or to shut her up myself. And I get embarrassed. Embarrassment is not a good emotion for a Dom. I am always afraid that if lg says or does things that are not to my liking during a session that I will make the wrong choice. I could not listen to her and shut her up with a gag or tape, or I could listen to what she is saying (or trying to say…us Doms have ESP you know) and make a judgment about what to do accordingly. This is what I did on Saturday. And guess what? It was the wrong decision. She wanted me to shut her up, or at least not end the session. But here we are again…how am I supposed to know the difference??? She wants me to control her, but she wants me to know what she wants ahead of time…without her telling me. Catch 22 if you ask me.

lg and I talked about it and she agreed to try and let me know what she wants from me (as soon as she figures it out) and I would try not to get frustrated with her (more easily said than done).

The rest of the evening was pleasant. We spent it talking and bullshitting with each other. I did require her to suck me every half hour for the rest of the night, which she did half-heartedly. In her defense, her back is at a stage that she should be staying in bed, but she won’t. Too many things to do, dontcha know.

Lg went to bed around ten or so and I stayed up and played on the ‘net and proceeded to get very, very drunk. I let the bondage and torture newsgroups get me extremely worked up and the trials with lg from earlier started to get me pissed off again. So around six in the morning (I hadn’t been to bed yet) I went into our bedroom and threw lg over on her back.

I was bad. Cruel, even. I proceeded to punish her with the way I fucked her. She kept yelling for me to get off of her, but I did not listen. She wanted a fucking Dom, I was going to give her one.

“You scare me when you are like this!” she kept screaming.

“Well, meet your Dom, cunt!” was my only response…along with fucking her even deeper and harder, squeezing her tits the way I know she hates, slapping her pudgy belly. To be totally honest, I remember cumming, mainly because I wanted to cum in her mouth (another thing she hates) but couldn’t get up to her face in time. After that, I must have passed out, cuz next thing I knew, I was waking up and it was noon.

I laid there for a long time, thinking of what had happened. I knew that lg was probably in the living room watching TV or preparing for her family to come over and visit. At least I hoped so…that she hadn’t just left. I felt both vindicated and ashamed for what had happened. And I had no idea what lg’s reaction would be.

Finally, I left the bedroom and found lg’s mother sitting in the living room already. I walked around the corner and into the kitchen where lg was already cooking. When our eyes met, she had that look in her eyes that I recognize but can hardly ever figure out. I went up to her and opened my arms and she immediately fell into them.

“You were so mean to me this morning…” she said into my chest, her voice breaking.

“I know, baby. You know how much I love you, though, don’t you?” I replied. I was NOT going to apologize. Even if I should.

She just nodded her head below my chin and hugged me hard.

The rest of Sunday was good. lg showed no signs of being mad or upset. We had a good visit with the folks, watching the last NASCAR race of the season (Thank God!). lg was loving and attentive.

So. How to interpret this. I am still trying to figure it out. A fine line between knowing what someone says they want and what they really want. I will keep trying…’til the day I die and beyond if possible. But I also plan on holding my ground more often…so that lg gets from me what she needs…so that I get what I need…and impromptu sessions like Saturday morning’s aren’t necessary.

Forever Training. <--my new signage.

C.

tonight

lg,

The boy is away for tonight and tomorrow and everything that needs to be done is done. Come home tonight and understand that you are loved and do whatever it is you want to do. It is your night to do as you like...not what others want.

I look forward to spending time with you and will not be any more demanding of you than you want me to be. I love you and I am proud of you for all the things you accomplish everyday.

I'll be there to pick you up in a few minutes. Let the stress go the minute you clock out. I love you.

C.

P.S. Panties on the seat! : )~

Two Violins and I

OR

The Day I Met God

I sat in a sound proof cubicle with the door open, staring. My father sat across from me, lost in his own nervousness. I could hear the other contestants rehearsing all around me. My violin and the violin that I had barrowed from my classical teacher lay in open cases at my feet. I had done all the rehearsing I was going to and had nothing else to do but wait.

My father had said to me earlier that he thought I had a good chance of winning the ‘eleven to fifteen year old’ category but that I shouldn’t expect to win the ‘overall’ award. The competition was fierce. I don’t think that I thought of winning at all that day; only of getting through it.

One by one the contestants that were to go on before me ascended the stairs that led to the stage. One by one they came back down those same stairs in different states; some smiling and gleeful, some simply agitated, many of them crying. I felt for the latter; I had experienced bad performances before and I knew how crushing it could feel. None of these reactions, however, affected me much more than that. I felt eerily numb. It wasn’t an unpleasant feeling. It felt as if the focus I had struggled to find for so long had found its way to the center of my being. While I could look at the world around me, nothing I saw could affect this focus.

When my turn finally came to climb the stairs, I closed my violin cases, handed them to the stage hand, grabbed my father’s hand and started the short trip upstairs. When we reached the backstage door, the stage hand informed my father that he could go no further. He looked down at me with a confident smile and told me that he loved me and that I would do fine. I hugged him and said that I knew I would. He turned and walked away without hesitation.

As I stepped through the backstage door, I got the familiar coppery taste in my mouth that always seemed to appear just before I performed. Looking back now I believe that it was the taste of adrenaline. I always found the taste comforting; like a friend come to watch over me.

As I stood there in the wings, the voice of the girl performing at the moment reached my ears, penetrating. I had heard her rehearse this gospel tune several times in the past weeks and knew that she was my only real competition in my age group. This thought didn’t enter my mind though, as I listened to her sing. She was good. Very good. And she was in rare form as she sung to the audience of nine hundred or so people. Her rhythm was exact and her intonation, which I knew she had been working on, was perfect. The hairs on my arms and on the back of my neck raised as I listened to her sweet song. And the focus in my mind became an immovable pinpoint of light that felt as if it gave off a palpable heat. I felt total calm.

When the girl finished her song, to a huge response from the audience, the curtain closed and the backstage commotion began. The girls sheet music and music stand were replaced by a microphone and mike stand and my violins. I walked calmly to my place and closed my eyes for a moment. The way I felt at this moment was different than with any other performance I had done. The best word to describe it was peaceful. I opened my eyes and someone told me I had ten seconds. I reached down for the violin I would play my first selection on. As I rose it to my shoulder, the D string of the other violin caught my attention. It was completely loose. I turned to tell someone I needed more time to tune it when the curtains were flung open and I stood before my audience.

One thing at a time is all I thought. I stepped to the microphone and started playing “The Arkansas Traveler”. I forgot about the other violin and just played. Like the girl who had sung before me, my rhythm was exact, my intonation perfect. My form was no longer a question; no longer a matter for concern.

And something started to happen. Any words I use to describe it will be inadequate, but I will try. That pinpoint of light and heat started to grow; started reaching out as if to escape a long endured prison sentence. As I finished the first song, I barely heard the applause. Every hair on my body felt as if it were electrically charged. I moved to switch violins, my movements automatic. I stepped back from the microphone and calmly tuned the flaccid D string, paying more attention to the strange movements I felt swirling inside me. I stepped back to the mike and as I drew the first note of “The Black Mountain Rag”, I knew that nothing for me would ever be the same.

My fingers flew over the strings absolutely effortlessly. I played the tune faster, harder and more relaxed than I ever had. And the pinpoint of light was no longer a pinpoint. It was all around me; huge. It’s warmth permeated my very being. I was conscious that the music and the Light were one and that it was flowing out of me with the urgency of a swollen river, determined to overflow its banks. I watched, as a spectator, as it reached out to every corner of the auditorium. I traveled with it to each person in that room. And they felt it; all of them. The glare of the stage lights were a flicker in the presence of this other Light and I could see their faces; could feel each of their heartbeats thump in unison to the rhythm of the music; to the rhythm of that powerful Light. It was impossible to ignore. It linked all of us in that room; made us one. I felt bigger than the universe while at the same time totally humbled. The audience was standing and clapping. I could see them looking at each other, looking dumbfounded and pleased. The feelings and music and Light grew more frantic as the end of the song neared. The horsehair of my bow began to self destruct, unraveling and dancing in the air before me as I pulled it across the strings at a frenzied pace. And as I slammed the bow down on the strings to emphasize the last three notes of the song, the feelings and the music and the Light reached its zenith and consumed me completely. The people exploded into applause. It was deafening to me but I knew what it was. It was a physical way for them to show their appreciation for what had just happened. I was totally in awe of it myself and could do nothing but accept their gratefulness; their untemperate love.

When the curtain closed, I was surrounded by people I did not know, congratulating me, touching me, while the applause continued. By the time I got back downstairs I was surrounded by my family and teachers. And still, in the supposedly sound-proof rooms, the dull roar of the people applauding upstairs could be heard. I felt drugged and truly don’t remember much more about that night until I accepted the trophy for “best all around” and the crowd once again exploded into applause.

I had never felt anything even remotely like it at any time in my life. I have only caught glimpses of it since; a few times for only a few notes while I practiced my violin alone, in the eyes of my son when he made eye contact with me the moment he emerged into this world. But nothing of the all consuming wonder I experienced that night. That experience is responsible for many of the directions my life would take, both physically as well as spiritually. The experience, while probably the single most incredible thing to ever happen to me, did not provide explanation. To experience that light does not, necessarily, bring understanding of it. In walking through the door that I had that night, the experience would provide much darkness and pain for me in the years to come. I eventually stopped playing music in my frustration to find that light again. I felt it unfair to have been allowed the experience so completely, while never to feel it again.

It is now over twenty years later and that night, and the years that followed, are still a source of anguish for me. But I am making progress in sifting through my own spiritual process. I am starting to realize that it is the struggle itself that is important. I will never stop the search for the understanding of what I had been a part of.

And if I never experience what I did that night again, then I must keep reminding myself how blessed I am for having experienced it at all.

Keep Living Well.

C.

Update

It has been another hectic couple weeks (as always, it seems). lg and I have been too busy to really do anything fun ourselves; D/s or otherwise. If it isn’t a Halloween party, it’s a wedding, both for work. Life responsibilities have kept us very busy. We have not started quitting smoking yet, but I hope to try very soon. The few private moments lg and I have had, I have wanted to spend them talking and just being together…without the added responsibility of D/s for either of us. Day to day, it is still in full-swing, but there have been no sessions or assignments. Maybe next weekend, but it is hard to schedule anything; we never know what will be going on.

My ‘evil’ sadist side has been in overdrive the past week or so. The only sex we have had was on Saturday night and lg’s tits felt the brunt of my desire. More bruises to hide. This time caused by biting. It doesn’t help that I have the internet at home again so can go look at pics & movies again.

I also think that lg’s masochist side has been…well…hiding of late. She is going through a lot of soul-searching lately and I think that sessions, at this point, would be a distraction from it. I will, however require her to write on her blog a bit more. I am hoping it will help her sort things out the way it has for me.

Keep Living.

C.