Tired

I know. Its been a long time since I posted anything here. It has been a very active and confusing few months, to put it mildly.

lg has been to the doctor and has severe displasia (a precurser to cancer). The result is that she must have a hysterectomy. She will be going into the hospital on March 6th and, if all goes well, will be there for 3 days. She will then be out of work for a month.

This news has brought a lot of things in our life to a head and brought some things to a screeching hault. I have put our experimentation with D/s on hold indefinately. lg needs to do nothing but put her full attention to herself for both prepairing for her surgery and healing after. I know that this type of surgery is not as serious as it used to be, but anytime you go under the knife seems real serious to me. They will be doing the surgery vaginally, which is good, and they intend on leaving her ovaries intact, also very good news. We had both already agreed that neither of us wanted more kids, so that is also not an issue.

But...

lg is stressing. And so am I.

She is being extremely good about the whole thing, and is sharing her feelings about it fairly well. But it is impossible not to worry. Both her mother (biological) and grandmother died of cancer. She is overwieght, smokes and gets little exersice. And I am no better.

I think that lg's desire to explore D/s stemmed from her desire to change our lifestyle in general, and for me to take more responsibility for her and from her. I have been trying to do just that, but my own patterns, habits and routines are hard to get out of. I want to be the Man, Dominant, Master, Lover, Friend that she desires. But in order to be those things for her, I have to get through my own set of problems.

I am a procrastinator. I am lazy. I am set in my ways. I have few friends and no social life and prefer it that way. I'd rather watch a movie with only myself and lg to going out anywhere. I don't dance. I have a short temper and tend to yell when I get angry. I have musical talent that has been wasted. I have artistic talent that has been wasted. I have absolutely no organizational skills. I am the Great Communicator, as long as we are talking about anything but me. I cannot control our thirteen year old son.

I am afraid I would die without lg.

I think that is the big one of late. Don't get me wrong, I really think lg is going to be just fine. Better than before, actually. But it has brought up issues in my mind that I had never really confronted before.

Just thinking about how we will eat while lg is out of commission is enough to send me into a slight panic. The last time I did laundry, I had to buy all new socks and a few new shirts (they turned pink). I fear that, without lg, I will be unable to function day to day. She is the glue that holds me together. Hell, she is the glue that has held my entire family (both sides) together for a long time. And the biggest gift lg got for Christmas was a bagless vacuum cleaner. Jesus.

We (the family) have taken advantage of lg and taken her for granted for far too long. And it stopping has to start with me.

I would appreciate any prayers (whoever or whatever you may be praying to) for lg in the next month or so.

We are tired...but we will get through it.

Forever Training.

C.