Dominance Found

Update

2006-04-28T13:59:00.000-05:00

Well, lg is back at work and is doing fine. Our experiment is still on hold…for now. I am heading up to Virginia on Monday to be with my mother. It doesn’t look like she will make it through the next couple weeks. I have a ton of stuff I wish I had the time to sort through…using this blog as a tool as I have been doing. I will start posting again when I get back and all this craziness is done (not that there won’t be other craziness to deal with then).

I truly miss writing here…I just don’t have the time right now. Soon, hopefully.

Until then…Keep living well.

Forever Training.

C.

I wasn't tagged...but I don't care : )

2006-03-27T14:57:00.000-05:00

I read a few haikus over at Life As His that annissa wrote...and I hadn't done any for a long time so I figured what the hey...they're fun!

Here are a couple from me.

Haiku = 3-5-3 (these are the hardest in my opinion)

Love and sex
Interchangeable
Very fine

Reverant
Respectful lover
Cums for me

Haiku = 5-7-5

Confusions abound
But worth the effort given
For love to prevail

Rope on flesh tightens
She moans louder and louder
For final release

Tanca Haiku = 5-7-5-7-7

One plus one is two
Difficult relationship
Two plus one is three
Three times harder than two is
But three times the love than two

From inside somewhere
I feel the turmoil collide
With enlightenment
And watch myself helplessly
Become one with the struggle

Forever Training.

C

Coming Back

2006-03-27T11:39:00.000-05:00

Well, the surgery went about as perfectly as we could have hoped. lg is recovering nicely. We are currently out of state visiting my parents. My mother has MS and has been bed-ridden for a couple years now. She is doing very well also. lg is out shopping with my Dad's girlfriend and I'm playing with my new HP laptop (God, this thing is awsome!).

The last month has been like no other in my life, stresswise. Both my mother and lg have had surgery, the site that I work for launched a new format and my boss left town for two weeks, leaving me to take care of the new site alone, and the boy was suspended from school for 'pantsing' a girl. **sigh** I think, though, that I am over the peak and am working my way down the other side...finally.

lg and I have had our moments. She has been stressed over the surgery and has had some problems letting go of control of our household, day-to-day stuff, and I have, of course, been the one that she has vented her frustrations on. Its ok, though. Understandable.

The subject of D/s has not come up, as I intended. At times, she has shown signs that she did not want to pursue it any longer, and at other times, has let go and been my little girl once again. Complicated creature, my wife.

lg still has much recovering to do, so it will be awhile before we discuss it again. There is the strong possibility that she will not want to pursue it any longer. And that will be ok with me.

There is a stronger possibility, I think, that she WILL want to continue our experiment. If that is the case, it will be very different. Different for two reasons.

Reason one: Our experimentation into D/s so far has been a growing experience for me. And the last month or so has given me more confidence in that I know now that I can handle just about anything, when it comes to the relationships in my life. lg has wanted her man to take more responsibility in our lives and now I feel like I am ready to give her that. Not only am I not as resistant to it now, I find myself actually desiring it. For ths reason, I believe that Phase two of our D/s experiment will be more successful than the first. I now have the tools and the attitude to be a better Dominant.

reason two: I think that my ability to do what needs to be done will give lg the confidence to let go and allow herself to be dominated. And this is a must. lg MUST adhere to my authority. Without question. It is something she has had much trouble with, but if she/we want this to succeed, she must trust me enough to actually take care of her. And I will not be able to do that unless she does as I ask her, even if it is something she wouldn't normally have done. But isn't that the point...isn't that what she is asking for...for our lives to be different and for me to be in control of those differences? I think it is.

We are catching up again. And our lives and struggles won't be so overwhelming. I am a very lucky man to have the loving people around me that I do...and they all deserve my love, and yes...my guidance...and I have guidance to offer.

Forever Training,

Tired

2006-02-21T13:26:00.000-05:00

I know. Its been a long time since I posted anything here. It has been a very active and confusing few months, to put it mildly.

lg has been to the doctor and has severe displasia (a precurser to cancer). The result is that she must have a hysterectomy. She will be going into the hospital on March 6th and, if all goes well, will be there for 3 days. She will then be out of work for a month.

This news has brought a lot of things in our life to a head and brought some things to a screeching hault. I have put our experimentation with D/s on hold indefinately. lg needs to do nothing but put her full attention to herself for both prepairing for her surgery and healing after. I know that this type of surgery is not as serious as it used to be, but anytime you go under the knife seems real serious to me. They will be doing the surgery vaginally, which is good, and they intend on leaving her ovaries intact, also very good news. We had both already agreed that neither of us wanted more kids, so that is also not an issue.

But...

lg is stressing. And so am I.

She is being extremely good about the whole thing, and is sharing her feelings about it fairly well. But it is impossible not to worry. Both her mother (biological) and grandmother died of cancer. She is overwieght, smokes and gets little exersice. And I am no better.

I think that lg's desire to explore D/s stemmed from her desire to change our lifestyle in general, and for me to take more responsibility for her and from her. I have been trying to do just that, but my own patterns, habits and routines are hard to get out of. I want to be the Man, Dominant, Master, Lover, Friend that she desires. But in order to be those things for her, I have to get through my own set of problems.

I am a procrastinator. I am lazy. I am set in my ways. I have few friends and no social life and prefer it that way. I'd rather watch a movie with only myself and lg to going out anywhere. I don't dance. I have a short temper and tend to yell when I get angry. I have musical talent that has been wasted. I have artistic talent that has been wasted. I have absolutely no organizational skills. I am the Great Communicator, as long as we are talking about anything but me. I cannot control our thirteen year old son.

I am afraid I would die without lg.

I think that is the big one of late. Don't get me wrong, I really think lg is going to be just fine. Better than before, actually. But it has brought up issues in my mind that I had never really confronted before.

Just thinking about how we will eat while lg is out of commission is enough to send me into a slight panic. The last time I did laundry, I had to buy all new socks and a few new shirts (they turned pink). I fear that, without lg, I will be unable to function day to day. She is the glue that holds me together. Hell, she is the glue that has held my entire family (both sides) together for a long time. And the biggest gift lg got for Christmas was a bagless vacuum cleaner. Jesus.

We (the family) have taken advantage of lg and taken her for granted for far too long. And it stopping has to start with me.

I would appreciate any prayers (whoever or whatever you may be praying to) for lg in the next month or so.

We are tired...but we will get through it.

Forever Training.

C.

Merry Christmas

2005-12-22T13:06:00.000-05:00

I hope everyone's holidays go the way you plan.

C.

Pain and Other Pleasures

2005-11-30T18:09:00.000-05:00

I have stated in the past that lg is afraid of me and what I might do to her in this new lifestyle. I have been sexually active since I was twelve and having started that journey so early, I think, had a lot to do with where that journey has led me.

I have always been a very sexual being. You might think this an exaggeration, but I have cum at least ten times a week, average, since I was twelve. Some weeks were less (not many) and some were much more (once, when I was seventeen or so, I counted 67 times in one week). If I hadn’t met lg, I believe I would have done everything in my power to get into the sex industry (and would probably be dead by now).

lg and I started our sexual relationship almost from our first date. She was not nearly as experienced as I, but was eager to learn and experience new things. Sex has always been intense between us and lg went with me into many new experiences over the years, some she liked and some she did not.

At some point (I honestly am not sure when), she and I started to drift in different directions sexually. Most of it had to do with the fact that when the boy was born, lg went immediately into ‘Mother-Mode’, her priorities changing drastically (technically, the boy was conceived during our very first session…we just didn’t know what to call it then). Both our lives were turned upside down and we both changed what our priorities were. Except for sex. I think that lg felt, at the time, like I think a lot of new mothers do, that she could not be a good mother AND be a wild slut. On certain levels I think this is true for mothers. I, on the other hand, saw no conflict between my being a father and my desire to continue my sexual journey. I think lg did find a conflict. Don’t get me wrong, we continued to have good sex, but it was usually safe, ‘normal’ sex with very little experimentation or exploration.

I had always spent a good amount of time in the bathroom, or late at night after lg was in bed, masturbating and lg never gave me a hard time for it. I think she has always been a little jealous of it, but also realized that it was much better than my going out to find someone else to ‘play’ with and I think she knew that I needed the release. Well, after the boy was born, my personal sessions started going in new directions involving pain and humiliation. I guess you could say I started playing Dom to my own sub, using fantasy as fuel. I basically started doing to myself all the things that I wanted to be doing to lg.

And I never hid what I was doing. Ok, a better way to put it is that I did not DENY what I was doing. She knew where I kept my variety of bottles, dildos, needles and other toys (she still does…just, they are in with her toys now).

So, this is where her trepidation derives from. She knows that I do all these kinky things that frighten her, but doesn’t have a clear picture of what they actually are, her imagination helping to increase her fear, I’m sure. Of course, she HAS seen some of my handy-work...

Click here

And once, even had to take me to the hospital, where I spent three days recovering from a particularly intense night (I’ll just leave it up to the reader to decide what that injury might have been…it wasn’t the night I took those pics).

So, believe me when I say that I understand her feelings. She has witnessed many of the effects of my own exploration, without being a direct part of it. It has taken me years to get to the point, sexually, that I am now. I have never had a “Dominant’, but I can tell you that I DO know about ‘sub space’ (and Dom space for that matter).

Now that lg has expressed her interest in exploring her own (kinky) needs, I have had to pull myself back in order to help her find what she wants. And I believe that she does not think that I can; that I will pull her in so deep, so fast, she’ll drown.

This couldn’t be further from the truth. I want the two of us to meet again in that journey more than anything else and the only way to do that is for lg to dive right in. The problem that I see so far is that, while she does dive in now and then, she does it with her eyes scrunched tightly closed, instead of watching what she is diving into. And this is how I can and will help her when she is ready; by guiding her through, hand in hand, the things that I have already experienced. AND holding HER hand tight when she takes a direction that I hadn’t. THAT is what excites me about all this. I need my sexual adventure partner back.

This is not a ‘slam’ post on lg. I am SO proud of her, not only for the WAY she has been handling the new things in her life, but also WHAT things she is dealing with (and not just sexually). I know that she feels like we are not as close as we could be; that we are drifting apart again, but I want her to know that the only difference between this and the hundred or so times that we have gone through major changes before is that we now have much more experience doing it. Just because we can’t see clearly exactly where we are going does not mean that we don’t know the way. We do. And I depend on her for guidance through my own turmoil…and hope that she will accept my guidance through hers.

I truly love her more than life itself. Without her, I am not me. Without her, the World is black and white. Without her, I would be dead.

Forever Training.

C.

Dom Training

2005-11-21T11:50:00.000-05:00

An interesting weekend.

On Friday I cleaned the whole house before lg got home, something I rarely do. I did it because lg has had a ton of stuff to keep up with lately and is having trouble with her back again. I wanted her to have a relaxing weekend. She was very appreciative.

She has, in the past, expressed interest in doing some bondage things without the spanking, flogging, etc. So, on Saturday afternoon I decided I would tie her up and leave her for an hour or so. I had planned on putting her in a position that was comfortable for her back, but I never got the chance. As I was preparing her for it, her laying on the bed already in thigh/wrist cuffs, she started with this long string of…well…no other way to put it …bitching. This cuff was bothering her, her hair was pulling, …”make sure you remember about my back!”, …how will I reach my drink?”, etc. etc…bla, bla, bla. I tried to let it go, even told her to be quiet once, but she kept on until I was pissed off. So, I pulled her out of the cuffs and told her that I wanted this weekend to be relaxing for her and that if she didn’t want to do this, then fuck it!

You see, I am still new to all of this. And I haven’t got the nuances down. Like when to heed what lg is saying to me during a session or to shut her up myself. And I get embarrassed. Embarrassment is not a good emotion for a Dom. I am always afraid that if lg says or does things that are not to my liking during a session that I will make the wrong choice. I could not listen to her and shut her up with a gag or tape, or I could listen to what she is saying (or trying to say…us Doms have ESP you know) and make a judgment about what to do accordingly. This is what I did on Saturday. And guess what? It was the wrong decision. She wanted me to shut her up, or at least not end the session. But here we are again…how am I supposed to know the difference??? She wants me to control her, but she wants me to know what she wants ahead of time…without her telling me. Catch 22 if you ask me.

lg and I talked about it and she agreed to try and let me know what she wants from me (as soon as she figures it out) and I would try not to get frustrated with her (more easily said than done).

The rest of the evening was pleasant. We spent it talking and bullshitting with each other. I did require her to suck me every half hour for the rest of the night, which she did half-heartedly. In her defense, her back is at a stage that she should be staying in bed, but she won’t. Too many things to do, dontcha know.

Lg went to bed around ten or so and I stayed up and played on the ‘net and proceeded to get very, very drunk. I let the bondage and torture newsgroups get me extremely worked up and the trials with lg from earlier started to get me pissed off again. So around six in the morning (I hadn’t been to bed yet) I went into our bedroom and threw lg over on her back.

I was bad. Cruel, even. I proceeded to punish her with the way I fucked her. She kept yelling for me to get off of her, but I did not listen. She wanted a fucking Dom, I was going to give her one.

“You scare me when you are like this!” she kept screaming.

“Well, meet your Dom, cunt!” was my only response…along with fucking her even deeper and harder, squeezing her tits the way I know she hates, slapping her pudgy belly. To be totally honest, I remember cumming, mainly because I wanted to cum in her mouth (another thing she hates) but couldn’t get up to her face in time. After that, I must have passed out, cuz next thing I knew, I was waking up and it was noon.

I laid there for a long time, thinking of what had happened. I knew that lg was probably in the living room watching TV or preparing for her family to come over and visit. At least I hoped so…that she hadn’t just left. I felt both vindicated and ashamed for what had happened. And I had no idea what lg’s reaction would be.

Finally, I left the bedroom and found lg’s mother sitting in the living room already. I walked around the corner and into the kitchen where lg was already cooking. When our eyes met, she had that look in her eyes that I recognize but can hardly ever figure out. I went up to her and opened my arms and she immediately fell into them.

“You were so mean to me this morning…” she said into my chest, her voice breaking.

“I know, baby. You know how much I love you, though, don’t you?” I replied. I was NOT going to apologize. Even if I should.

She just nodded her head below my chin and hugged me hard.

The rest of Sunday was good. lg showed no signs of being mad or upset. We had a good visit with the folks, watching the last NASCAR race of the season (Thank God!). lg was loving and attentive.

So. How to interpret this. I am still trying to figure it out. A fine line between knowing what someone says they want and what they really want. I will keep trying…’til the day I die and beyond if possible. But I also plan on holding my ground more often…so that lg gets from me what she needs…so that I get what I need…and impromptu sessions like Saturday morning’s aren’t necessary.

Forever Training. <--my new signage.

C.

tonight

2005-11-18T17:17:00.000-05:00

lg,

The boy is away for tonight and tomorrow and everything that needs to be done is done. Come home tonight and understand that you are loved and do whatever it is you want to do. It is your night to do as you like...not what others want.

I look forward to spending time with you and will not be any more demanding of you than you want me to be. I love you and I am proud of you for all the things you accomplish everyday.

I'll be there to pick you up in a few minutes. Let the stress go the minute you clock out. I love you.

P.S. Panties on the seat! : )~

Two Violins and I

2005-11-14T13:55:00.000-05:00

The Day I Met God

I sat in a sound proof cubicle with the door open, staring. My father sat across from me, lost in his own nervousness. I could hear the other contestants rehearsing all around me. My violin and the violin that I had barrowed from my classical teacher lay in open cases at my feet. I had done all the rehearsing I was going to and had nothing else to do but wait.

My father had said to me earlier that he thought I had a good chance of winning the ‘eleven to fifteen year old’ category but that I shouldn’t expect to win the ‘overall’ award. The competition was fierce. I don’t think that I thought of winning at all that day; only of getting through it.

One by one the contestants that were to go on before me ascended the stairs that led to the stage. One by one they came back down those same stairs in different states; some smiling and gleeful, some simply agitated, many of them crying. I felt for the latter; I had experienced bad performances before and I knew how crushing it could feel. None of these reactions, however, affected me much more than that. I felt eerily numb. It wasn’t an unpleasant feeling. It felt as if the focus I had struggled to find for so long had found its way to the center of my being. While I could look at the world around me, nothing I saw could affect this focus.

When my turn finally came to climb the stairs, I closed my violin cases, handed them to the stage hand, grabbed my father’s hand and started the short trip upstairs. When we reached the backstage door, the stage hand informed my father that he could go no further. He looked down at me with a confident smile and told me that he loved me and that I would do fine. I hugged him and said that I knew I would. He turned and walked away without hesitation.

As I stepped through the backstage door, I got the familiar coppery taste in my mouth that always seemed to appear just before I performed. Looking back now I believe that it was the taste of adrenaline. I always found the taste comforting; like a friend come to watch over me.

As I stood there in the wings, the voice of the girl performing at the moment reached my ears, penetrating. I had heard her rehearse this gospel tune several times in the past weeks and knew that she was my only real competition in my age group. This thought didn’t enter my mind though, as I listened to her sing. She was good. Very good. And she was in rare form as she sung to the audience of nine hundred or so people. Her rhythm was exact and her intonation, which I knew she had been working on, was perfect. The hairs on my arms and on the back of my neck raised as I listened to her sweet song. And the focus in my mind became an immovable pinpoint of light that felt as if it gave off a palpable heat. I felt total calm.

When the girl finished her song, to a huge response from the audience, the curtain closed and the backstage commotion began. The girls sheet music and music stand were replaced by a microphone and mike stand and my violins. I walked calmly to my place and closed my eyes for a moment. The way I felt at this moment was different than with any other performance I had done. The best word to describe it was peaceful. I opened my eyes and someone told me I had ten seconds. I reached down for the violin I would play my first selection on. As I rose it to my shoulder, the D string of the other violin caught my attention. It was completely loose. I turned to tell someone I needed more time to tune it when the curtains were flung open and I stood before my audience.

One thing at a time is all I thought. I stepped to the microphone and started playing “The Arkansas Traveler”. I forgot about the other violin and just played. Like the girl who had sung before me, my rhythm was exact, my intonation perfect. My form was no longer a question; no longer a matter for concern.

And something started to happen. Any words I use to describe it will be inadequate, but I will try. That pinpoint of light and heat started to grow; started reaching out as if to escape a long endured prison sentence. As I finished the first song, I barely heard the applause. Every hair on my body felt as if it were electrically charged. I moved to switch violins, my movements automatic. I stepped back from the microphone and calmly tuned the flaccid D string, paying more attention to the strange movements I felt swirling inside me. I stepped back to the mike and as I drew the first note of “The Black Mountain Rag”, I knew that nothing for me would ever be the same.

My fingers flew over the strings absolutely effortlessly. I played the tune faster, harder and more relaxed than I ever had. And the pinpoint of light was no longer a pinpoint. It was all around me; huge. It’s warmth permeated my very being. I was conscious that the music and the Light were one and that it was flowing out of me with the urgency of a swollen river, determined to overflow its banks. I watched, as a spectator, as it reached out to every corner of the auditorium. I traveled with it to each person in that room. And they felt it; all of them. The glare of the stage lights were a flicker in the presence of this other Light and I could see their faces; could feel each of their heartbeats thump in unison to the rhythm of the music; to the rhythm of that powerful Light. It was impossible to ignore. It linked all of us in that room; made us one. I felt bigger than the universe while at the same time totally humbled. The audience was standing and clapping. I could see them looking at each other, looking dumbfounded and pleased. The feelings and music and Light grew more frantic as the end of the song neared. The horsehair of my bow began to self destruct, unraveling and dancing in the air before me as I pulled it across the strings at a frenzied pace. And as I slammed the bow down on the strings to emphasize the last three notes of the song, the feelings and the music and the Light reached its zenith and consumed me completely. The people exploded into applause. It was deafening to me but I knew what it was. It was a physical way for them to show their appreciation for what had just happened. I was totally in awe of it myself and could do nothing but accept their gratefulness; their untemperate love.

When the curtain closed, I was surrounded by people I did not know, congratulating me, touching me, while the applause continued. By the time I got back downstairs I was surrounded by my family and teachers. And still, in the supposedly sound-proof rooms, the dull roar of the people applauding upstairs could be heard. I felt drugged and truly don’t remember much more about that night until I accepted the trophy for “best all around” and the crowd once again exploded into applause.

I had never felt anything even remotely like it at any time in my life. I have only caught glimpses of it since; a few times for only a few notes while I practiced my violin alone, in the eyes of my son when he made eye contact with me the moment he emerged into this world. But nothing of the all consuming wonder I experienced that night. That experience is responsible for many of the directions my life would take, both physically as well as spiritually. The experience, while probably the single most incredible thing to ever happen to me, did not provide explanation. To experience that light does not, necessarily, bring understanding of it. In walking through the door that I had that night, the experience would provide much darkness and pain for me in the years to come. I eventually stopped playing music in my frustration to find that light again. I felt it unfair to have been allowed the experience so completely, while never to feel it again.

It is now over twenty years later and that night, and the years that followed, are still a source of anguish for me. But I am making progress in sifting through my own spiritual process. I am starting to realize that it is the struggle itself that is important. I will never stop the search for the understanding of what I had been a part of.

And if I never experience what I did that night again, then I must keep reminding myself how blessed I am for having experienced it at all.

Keep Living Well.

Update

2005-11-07T10:36:00.000-05:00

It has been another hectic couple weeks (as always, it seems). lg and I have been too busy to really do anything fun ourselves; D/s or otherwise. If it isn’t a Halloween party, it’s a wedding, both for work. Life responsibilities have kept us very busy. We have not started quitting smoking yet, but I hope to try very soon. The few private moments lg and I have had, I have wanted to spend them talking and just being together…without the added responsibility of D/s for either of us. Day to day, it is still in full-swing, but there have been no sessions or assignments. Maybe next weekend, but it is hard to schedule anything; we never know what will be going on.

My ‘evil’ sadist side has been in overdrive the past week or so. The only sex we have had was on Saturday night and lg’s tits felt the brunt of my desire. More bruises to hide. This time caused by biting. It doesn’t help that I have the internet at home again so can go look at pics & movies again.

I also think that lg’s masochist side has been…well…hiding of late. She is going through a lot of soul-searching lately and I think that sessions, at this point, would be a distraction from it. I will, however require her to write on her blog a bit more. I am hoping it will help her sort things out the way it has for me.

Keep Living.

C.

Pics & Posts

2005-10-22T17:27:00.000-05:00

lg has a new post...
and the pics are here...

C.

Things Are Going To Change Around Here...

2005-10-19T13:31:00.000-05:00

We finally have the ‘net up at home. Hallelujah! And with that, lg and I will be able to catch up with all the ‘goings on’ that we have been missing. We will also be able to post more frequently…and lg will have NO more excuses for not posting. I have told her that her blog is for her…and her alone. In her typical submissive fashion, she is worried that what she writes won’t please those who read it. I have told her that the only person she has to worry about is me…and I cannot think of anything she would write that I would be upset about…uhmm…let me rephrase that…I cannot think of anything she could write that I would delete. Some things she writes may, in fact, displease me…but that is one of the things that can be helpful to us. She needs to know that her blog is her own.

We are back from Virginia and my mother is doing very well. It was sketchy for awhile (and scary as Hell), but she is doing much better now. She should be home by Thursday. The trip took a lot out of us, and I have serious ear and sinus problems that make depressurization of the plane cabin excruciating for me, but the headaches are gradually subsiding.

We have had to deal with many changes in our life in the last months; changes that we had no control over. The changes I am referring to in the title of this post are changes that lg and I will be making by our own choice.

Such as:

1. We are going to attempt, once again, to quit smoking sometime in the very near future. The actual time we will start this has yet to be determined, but I would like us to be smoke-free by the time we go back up to Virginia in late November or early December.

2. The boy is on restriction indefinitely as of today. He brought home a report card with three ‘Fs’ on it. He is an extremely bright boy but lacks discipline and organizational skills. He also gets bored easily. We will be working everyday with him on these issues.

3. lg will be making a list of all the chores that need to be done on a weekly basis. We will be splitting them up between the three of us in order to give lg more time to deal with other issues (see #4 & #6). This will also help out with #2 as well in that the boy will have responsibilities at home and will receive an allowance instead of just having money forked over to him.

4. lg will do everything in her power to lose at least ten* pounds by the end of this year and the boy and I will do everything in our power to help her succeed.

5. We will be going out together more (i.e. to the beach, picnics, exercising, movies, etc.). We have gotten ourselves into a pattern of vegging out in front of the boob-tube and it is not a healthy way to live. I am not adding another listing for eating more healthy…lg has been on that kick (for the betterment of all three of us) for a few months now.

6. The sessions that lg and I have been engaging in have been very experimental and I have learned a lot about her from them. While she enjoys the occasional light spanking with my hand or flogger, the more severe butt beatings have not been enjoyable for her**. So, with that in mind, the more painful beatings (except for her ‘tittie torture’…I would never deprive lg [or myself] of that) will be held in reserve for actual punishment. My problem, in the past, has always been “What will I ever punish her for?”. There are things that I want her to explore and try harder to comply with having to do with less pain related subjects like cum swallowing, pussy stretching, water sports and other humiliation aspects of this lifestyle that she has problems with. We have established trust, now it is time for her to start truly acting like my submissive. When she has my collar on, talking back, saying ‘no’, making anything else a priority over me (this includes the boy…she must trust me to know when he needs her attention) will not be tolerated and will be punished accordingly. When I first started posting here, I posted that lg would refuse me sex on occasion and I wasn’t sure what to do about it. kalem, from Once Bitten, commented that I should “just take her!”. At the time I did not have the experience or lg’s trust enough to do this. I believe that I do now and will be much more diligent when it comes to issues like that. I have also ordered lg a new, all-leather, collar. She wears a red dog collar now, and this will be the collar she wears when I am NOT impressed with her behavior. She will have to earn the right to wear the ‘proper’ collar.

I have often written of my ability to ‘go with the flow’ when it comes to changes in our lives. I find it time now, though, to change my motto from ‘go with the flow’ to ‘direct the flow’. In order to direct lg’s life and help with the issues she struggles with, I must first set my own ‘house’ in order, as it were.

I will also be posting some pics soon. This turns both of us on to no end, knowing that someone is looking at lg (or me, for that matter) engaged in ‘compromising’ positions.

Anyway, it is great to be back and I look forward to interacting with everyone again.

As always,

Keep Living Well.

C.

*The weight used to be twenty pounds but lg mentioned off-handedly (totally innocently, I'm sure) that Nov. & Dec. are the hardest months to lose weight do to the holidays and I hadn't thought of that (being one of those annoying people that can eat whatever he/she wants and never has to diet).

**After reading this post, she mentioned to me at work about the weight loss thing and that she had to talk to me later about #6. This got my mind rolling and I spent the rest of the day trying to figure out which part she didn't like and if there might be a 'serious' discussion later (alternate definition: argument). As it turned out, she once again surprised me. She was worried that she would only get serious spankings as punishment and didn't want to have to get in trouble on purpose in order to receive them.
I assured her that that wasn't the case and that I was proud of her for letting me know how she felt and pointed out what a good change it was for her to be able to accept her desire, and express that desire, for those type of spankings.

I Love you, little girl. We are exactly where we should be.

Update

2005-10-10T10:53:00.000-05:00

We are almost there…the DSL software should be here by this Friday or Saturday…and then we will be back online at home! Then lg and I (emphasis on lg…lol) will be able to post regularly again and catch up with everything going on at other’s blogs.

We are flying back to Virginia this coming weekend to visit my mother who is having a surgery this week. It will be hectic, since we are only taking one day off (Mon.) for the trip. But it is a serious surgery, so we don’t really have a choice. It will be fine (…he says as he ‘knocks on wood’).
I can’t wait to get back to posting again. I would never have believed how much posting here helps me sort through crap.

Keep Living Well.

C.

Update...

2005-10-03T09:55:00.000-05:00

Well, its been a very interesting few weeks. There are pretty bad things going on with lg’s family. Her mom and dad are having problems and are considering a divorce (at least her mom is) and her brother, who is working fast food and living with their parents, just found out that his 18 year old girlfriend is pregnant. The drama never seems to end.

lg’s doctor appointment is tomorrow, so if you happen to think of it, say a prayer for her. I’m sure it isn’t serious, but you don’t know until you go.

We did have a wonderful session not last Saturday but the Saturday before. lg, who has been having trouble giving up total control since we started all this, did extraordinarily well. I concentrated on non-marking pleasures due to her appointment tomorrow. She was able to take a serious ass beating, and I think she enjoyed it. It was hard to tell the difference between her cries and her moans. She also spent several hours on her knees (I got her industrial knee pads – I think they looked sexy – she did not…lol) serving me lunch and serving me in general. She did it with a vibrating butt-plug in her pussy, one of those electric ab-crunchers (the kind you see on TV) strapped to her ass, pulsing on high, and pantyhose to keep them both in place. Again, lg didn’t find her getup very appealing, but I did…and that IS what counts. And since the boy was at a friend’s house, we got to do all of it in total privacy without worrying about who might hear us. It was great! I also went through all my old porno and found several spanking videos and a few old S&M videos (Tiffany Twisted and Tiffany Twisted 2). Lg enjoyed them and now wants me to get a breast attachment for the vacuum cleaner…lmao.

I miss reading everyone very badly (lg told me there has been some serious drama going on). My job (which I now have to actually think for) keeps me busy at work, and I can never seem to get around to setting up my computers and get online at home. I am taking my main computer in this week to have the spyware taken off, so that is a start.

I hope everything is going well for everyone and I hope to be posting regularly again soon. Until then…

Keep Living Well.

C.

New Link...

2005-09-26T10:37:00.000-05:00

There is a new link to the your right for a couple sound articles I found at npr.org that are relevant to alternative lifestyles. Kinda cool. Checkem out.

Update

2005-09-19T11:24:00.000-05:00

Well, a lot has been going on in the last several weeks. lg and I are into our new house. It is very nice to have all the room and privacy that it provides. It is not a great place; there are many things wrong with it (i.e. a burner on the stove doesn’t work, holes in screens, canary yellow kitchen cabinets – blegh!, etc.). But its ok. We will only be here for a year and it was cheap so we can get our credit taken care of and can buy a house next time.
There has been very little D/s between lg and I lately. We are both just too busy and too tired to do any of the fun stuff. Her domestic service is right on target…but that is pretty easy for her. Making sure that what she is doing is what I want her doing has been a struggle though. lg has not been very submissive to me for weeks now. She has been extremely busy, but I must admit that I miss the total submission that we were getting to before all this other ‘life’ stuff started happening. It is also my fault for not pressing the subject.
Also, there is the fact that lg’s period is over two weeks late. No…I don’t think she is pregnant. We have done three separate tests on three different days, the latest when she was almost two weeks late, and ALL came out negative (I would say “phew!” but I don’t want to jinx it). Her period has been very irregular for half a year or more now, but to just skip a period is very disturbing to me. She has a doctor appointment on Oct. 3rd, so we are both reserving judgment until then.
So with all the worries and stress and hectic life, we are a little out of whack with each other. It doesn’t seem hard for that to happen with this lifestyle…not for us, anyway.
I am planning a light session this weekend to help her get back into the flow again. It will be light because I don’t want to do anything major until we find out what is going on from the doctor, and lg doesn’t want any tell-tale marks on her when she goes.
And finally, we should have the ‘net at home within the next two weeks. It will only be dial-up, but its better than nothing. And then we can BOTH start posting regularly…and catch up on everyone else’s blogs. There are several pics that lg wants posted as soon as we get up and running.
Overall, life is good. Lg and I are treating other with kid gloves because I think we both want this D/s thing to work, but are afraid of making a mistake with all the other stuff going on. My kid gloves will come off this weekend…or maybe I’ll only take off one of them. : )

If I don’t see lg bowing before me soon, I will most definitely lose my mind.

C.

A Response...

2005-09-12T09:57:00.000-05:00

The following is a response to a comment left by anna to my last post (the political one). It will be the last here on political stuff (until something else pisses me off again...lol). Then I can get back to fun stuff again.

It's not that simple and please don't romanticize the issue. Communication was cut-off, roads were blocked, helicopters can only do so much (especially when being shot at).

I am NOT romanticizing the situation in New Orleans this past week. All three things that you say are true…but all those things did not stop the media from getting in to take the very pictures that have you convinced that the federal government, as well as state and local government, did all it could. If we can go to Iraq and build a bridge or pave a road in 36 hours or drop 15,000 pounds of supplies over Bagdad hours after taking it over (all of which we did and are still doing), where was that response when a catastrophe happens on our own soil.

I'm ashamed at the local and state government…Especially the fact that one third of the NOPD turned in their badges or plain quit instead of standing ground and becoming leaders when citizens needed it most.

The local and state response wasn’t any better than the federal response. They are just another part of a system based on greed and a “watch out for yourself” policy that is prominent in every aspect of our society.
I also have the utmost respect for those police officers that stood there ground and protected the city they took an oath to protect. But don’t show disrespect for those that left. Many had a choice between staying on the job and protecting other families or protecting their own families. It is a choice that I think we can all agree is an extremely difficult one and I don’t believe there is a right or wrong decision. They did what they felt they had to do.

Everyone is quick to point a finger at Bush, but that's just because it's common practice these days. Have a little sense and honestly consider the issue.

If we are not to point a finger at Bush, than whom should we point to for responsibility. Our president is the top of the pyramid and is responsible for the citizens of this country and their wellbeing. I believe that I am ‘honestly considering the issues’ (issues: plural). Are you?

…(a country BY the people, not BY George Bush)…

My point exactly…when exactly are we going to get a candidate to vote for that isn’t a rich, middle-aged white man? Not while we cow-tow to the political machine. Republican or Democrat…they are both the same.
We were given the choice of two men in our last presidential election, and I feel that neither of them was the right man for the job. Until we find a way to make money a non-issue in our elections, we will continue to be given the choices of candidates that we now get, with little chance for true change.

…if you want to continue blaming our president for everything that goes wrong in this country… you know who to go to next time you run out of toilet paper, or don't have change for the daily paper, or forgot your breakfast.

I have read this paragraph over and over…and I just don’t get it. Go to the president if I run out of toilet paper? Blame myself for running out of toilet paper? What the Hell does that mean???

What's wrong with this country? It's a nation filled with whiners constantly looking for a free handout.

I am sure you are equating ‘whiners’ with liberals who want our government to look at domestic issues like poverty and discrimination…and ‘free handouts’ with the programs said liberals want to protect.
If a person has the opportunity to use a government program that will help them get on their feet, is that a ‘handout’? If so, than I say go for it. I know that there are people out there that have and will continue to take advantage of what their government gives them, but as someone who was once on food stamps and knows what it means to wonder if you will have food on the table for the whole week, I can tell you that the vast majority of people using these programs are NOT taking advantage.

And tell me…which of these two scenarios would you consider taking advantage of ‘handouts’:

1. A single mother of four working two jobs (people who work two low-paying jobs work an average of 68 hours a week…with NO overtime) who uses food stamps and is on the WIC program…

or:

2. An eighteen year old driving a $40,000 automobile that his parents bought him about to go to Yale or Harvard, again, on his parents dime.

Annoy a liberal. Work hard and be happy.

Working hard is what poor people are used to…it is them who truly built this country. The ‘be happy’ part is more difficult. You see, when you’re working 68 hours a week with no overtime, you barely make enough to pay your bills for basic necessities. You don’t have extra money to jet down to Orlando and spend a week at Disney or go out and buy a boat to take out on weekends.

I have a saying of my own…

Annoy a conservative. Speak out and be happy, despite right-wing conservatives.

C.

P.S. I bet you wish you hadn’t bought that SUV now, huh?

P.P.S. lg and I are all moved in the new house...well sorta...lol The new job is awsome but it is all VERY hectic. I hope to be able to start posting regularly again soon.

Keep Living Well.

I'm Worried...

2005-09-02T11:28:00.000-05:00

I had not intended on ever using this blog for political purposes, but I have to say…I’m worried. Very worried. What is going on in this country now and since Bush took office is spiraling out of control.

Here is an article having to do with the awful disaster that is going on as I write this and the Bush policies surrounding it:

"No One Can Say they Didn't See it Coming"
By Sidney Blumenthal

From why we are in Iraq, to the Bush Administration’s policies on the environment, it is all about the richest top 1.8% of our population’s desire to protect themselves and their “stuff’. Not from terrorists, but from the rest of us Americans. The poorer we are, the richer they are. It is not about race, it’s about class.

And what worries me is that the poorest of us (I consider myself lower middle class) are going to start seeing these policies for what they are…and are going to be pissed! Do you think that the thousands of poor people that couldn’t get out of New Orleans aren’t seeing their government in a new light today? Especially after waiting five days (and who knows how much longer it will be) for help?

We are in for a long haul, folks. Things are only going to get worse until we stop bush and the powers that put him in the white house. And getting poor people to vote won’t help when we are given two choices that are basically the same. The poor people of this country will be so much more likely to use violence to change things then they are to use politics.

I am so worried for us. I’m worried that we will destroy what started out with such high hopes and potential and that so many people have died for to preserve. We are not the greatest nation in the world…we are the nation with the greatest potential in the world. The potential to make things better for EVERYONE in the world. But we are wasting our last opportunities to follow through with this potential. Wasting them RIGHT NOW! Right in front of us. And only us ‘typical working class Americans’ have the ability to stop it. Stop it before the poorest Americans change it for us. Do you think it is out of the question that the US will have another civil war? It’s not nearly as preposterous as you might think.

I’m worried about what we are handing down to our children. Our whole economy has been based on an ‘enjoy now, pay later’ policy.

Well, it’s time to pay up.

And it’s going to hurt.

C.

Update

2005-08-26T11:53:00.000-05:00

A quick update...

We are moving into the new house on Sunday and I start my new position at 6am Monday. It has been a stress-filled two weeks but we are enjoying buying blinds and other stuff for the new place. I own a lawn mower for the very first time!!! lol

There have been no sessions lately...and I think we both need one. Hopefully next weekend...in total privacy for the first time!

I haven’t had the chance to visit the blogs I read, so I hope everything is going well for everyone.

Keep Living Well.

C.

Polyamorous Relationships

2005-08-16T13:13:00.000-05:00

I have been so busy lately that I haven’t been able to keep up with the blogs I read, but yesterday I got a few minutes and tried to catch up. Over at Once Bitten, kaylem and Gabriel are considering the pros and cons of polyamorous relationships. Their writing has helped lg and I so much over the last several months and for once I might have some experience to share. Not experience being IN a polyamorous relationship, but having been raised as a child by one.

I will try not to let this post get away from me. If you have read here before, you know how long-winded I can be.

My childhood was a loving one and my folks were very attentive towards me, my being their only child. But it was also about as unorthodox as you can get. For the first six or eight years of my life I lived in a commune. It started in downtown D.C. in 1969 (a year after I was born) and moved to a farm in Virginia in ’71. We left the commune (which my Dad started) in ’74 or ’75. Over the time that it existed, there were probably four or five hundred people to have lived with us. There were times that there were forty people living in the house at one time (a side note: Carly Simon and other semi-famous musicians used to come and jam there).

So, I never felt like an only child, there were always other kids around. But I was also exposed to a lot. Nudity was a given. Drugs were an everyday thing. And my parents never hid anything from me. Not that they had sex in front of me, mind you, but they never had any problem talking to me about it, or drugs, or anything else. They tried to treat me like an equal. I have never called them Mom or Dad...I just used their names like everyone else.

All during those first years of my life, my Dad was very much at the center of our home, no matter how many people were living there at the time. My Mom, who I now realize was and is his submissive by every definition of the word, has adored and supported him in everything he has ever done. This included his desire for having intimate relationships with other women.

At some time before we moved away from the commune, my mother and father started a long-term relationship with another woman. I am sure that she wasn’t the only one, not by a long-shot. But, to this woman, my folks were totally committed, as she was to them. And as far as I was concerned, she was as much my mother as my mother was. When we left the commune, she came with us. They were always open with me about all of our relationships together. They kind of had to be, considering that they could not be open about it in the ‘real’ world. I introduced my second Mom as my aunt to outsiders, and since they slept in the same bedroom, in the same bed, I had to be careful who I brought into our house and what I allowed them to see. When I was ten or so, they added a third woman, a teenager, who I referred to others as my step-sister. She also slept with them.

This dynamic lasted for about three years and we were all very happy, or at least I was. I had started competing in music competitions by that time (and winning most of them) so life was good.

When I turned thirteen, however, everything changed. I discovered my love for women myself and found out what all the fuss was about sex. At about the same time, my second Mom decided that this family dynamic was not what she wanted and that she wanted kids of her own, which was not something that my folks were willing to provide her, so she left. Just like that. Looking back now, I didn’t even realize how devastating to me this was. My music, which was the absolute focus of my life at the time (I practiced four to five hours a day, seven days a week) suffered tremendously. She had decided to tell us about her feelings the night before I was to perform my placement recital at North Carolina School of the Arts (I had already got in). I summarily blew the recital, and ended up with a teacher I hated and was subsequently kicked out nine weeks later.

When I was fifteen or so, my ‘step’ sister turned eighteen and left also. My folks had expected her to stay with them, and when she didn’t, they were also devastated. They told me that I was not allowed to see her anymore (a mistake they have been apologizing for ever since), so she and I had to sneak to see each other.

The rest of my teenage years were so fucked up, it would take a book to write everything that I went through. Some of the highlights were the fact that I was kidnapped, lived on the streets for six months and by the time I was seventeen, I had dropped out of school altogether and I didn’t play music at all anymore.

There are a lot of reasons why things went bad for me for a while. Some of it was my self-absorbed, teenage self, some of it was strictly my struggle with my loving but extremely Dominant father, and the Shadow he cast. But a lot of it was a direct result of what happened with the ‘family’ members I lost along the way. I met lg shortly after I dropped out of school (I was seventeen, she was sixteen) and everything changed again. It was the typical “Us Against The World” type of start for the two of us. We dated two weeks before we moved in together and a month later we were in our own apartment. We haven’t been apart for more than a day since, except for once; when I went to Wisconsin as a salesperson for my father. Worst six weeks of my life (another long story...lol).

Over the years, my father has not changed when it comes to polyamory. I have watched while he has struggled to keep these types of relationships going. He and my mother spent fourteen long years with a woman that had her own agenda and truthfully cared very little for them. That ended excruciatingly bad, with the woman emptying bank accounts and the like. It didn’t stop my father, though. They are currently in what I think is their healthiest polyamorous relationship to date. It is based, truly, on a three-way connection between them. It is unique (like my folks relationships have always been) in that my mother has MS and has been bed-ridden for over two years now. Her disease had taken her mind and soul before this new woman came into her life. It has been many years since I have seen her so happy and alive as she is now. My father has always managed to have a young and pretty woman to share his life with (his current woman is in her late forties) and a wife that not only accepts this, but embraces it. But it has taken him sixty eight years, and a lot of serious heart-ache, to finally get it right.

So, I ask myself, “Do I wish I had had a ‘normal’ family dynamic growing up?” Hmmm. Damn tough question. I would have to say no. I have an open, honest and real idea of who I am, and I owe that to the lifestyle I grew up in. I am still struggling with a lot of the things that happened to me when I was a teen, but no more than any other conscious person, I think. I found my soulmate in a woman that brought me back from the brink and kept me alive, and I owe that, in part, also to the way I was raised.

I guess my final thoughts on intimate relationships that involve more than two people is this:
Relationships are hard. ANY relationship. And the more people that are involved in it, the more difficult it becomes. And always remember that any children living within sight of those relationships are involved and a definite part of the dynamic.

As hard as polyamorous relationships are, however, successful ones can be just that more rewarding. And the key to success, and this is the theme to living together in general, I think, is communication, communication, communication! With EVERYONE involved in that communication, including children.

lg and I have ‘played’ with other people in the past, and have considered polyamory, but in my opinion, we were nowhere near ready for it. And now that we are more mature and in tune with each other, we have stopped actively searching for another person to join our union. You never know, it may happen someday, but it won’t be because we went out in search of it. Not anytime soon, anyway.

I don’t know if this will help anyone, but reading kaylem and Gabriel’s musings on these types of relationships really struck a chord with me. I was raised with it and there are good things and bad things to consider. Even with love and good communication, it is still possible for it not to work, for the dynamic to be too hard. But when it does work, it can be the basis for a lifetime of truthfulness and happiness.

Keep Living Well.

C.

Changes, Changes, Changes...

2005-08-11T15:23:00.000-05:00

The old saying, “When it rains, it pours” is a perfect description of our lives right now. I just got out of an interview with my company’s internet department. They have offered me a job working on commercial websites and our city’s website. I won’t state the city, but it is on par with tampa.com or miami.com and the like. It involves a 22% raise with a $1,500 yearly bonus. The hours are different; I have to be to work at 6am instead of 8:30am (I am SO not a morning person) but I get off at two instead of five. It would also mean that I would not see as much of lg as I am used to, but hey, a raise is a raise. And I’ll be doing work that I have wanted to do professionally for over ten years now.

Change is good!

I’d like to thank everyone who has been commenting here and emailing. I will try to comment and return emails as soon as I can, but with a new job, having to train a replacement for my old job and having to move residents in two weeks, I am a little pressed for time. lol I do want to make sure that you all know that I appreciate the dialog and I hope you will forgive me if I don’t respond right away.

Anyway, things are getting better by the minute and I can’t wait to christen our new place with an intense session with lg. We will have the internet at home soon after we move in, so lg’s desire to post some pics will be a reality soon.
Keep Living.

C.

We Got the House...

2005-08-10T13:07:00.000-05:00

So, we got the house.
Let me explain HOW I think we got it. Yesterday’s phone conversation with the realtor went something like this:

Realtor: “I’m sorry, Mr. _________, but the owners of the houset have some problems with some of the debt on your credit report.”
Me: “Really?”
Realtor: “Yes. There are...(thirty seconds or so of listing debts)...and I just don’t see how I can put you in this house.”
Me: “Well, as I said when we looked at the house, we do have some credit issues, which is the very reason we are renting and not buying. We have spent the last year keeping up our payments on all our current bills and somewhere on our credit report it must show that we have paid off (a medical bill) about six months ago.”
Realtor: “Really? Let me see...(long pause). Yes. Yes, I see it now.”
Me: “You see, we plan on taking this year to catch up all of our outstanding debts so that we can buy a house of our own at the end of this lease.”
Realtor: “I see. Have you found a real estate agent to help you yet?”
Me: “Why no, we haven’t (a lie).”
Realtor: “Well, it does seem like you have a plan for getting your credit back up. It’s really not that bad. Let’s see...(short pause)...Everything on your report adds up to about $2,500. That really isn’t bad at all.”
Me: “No. It really isn’t that bad. Let me ask you something. If we paid these debts off , say, in the next six months, how long do you think it would take for our credit score to start rising?
Realtor: “Well, it takes five years to get anything on your report to come completely off...(continued with a five minute lecture on credit development, keeping a credit card that you pay off every month, etc....bla, bla, bla. Nothing I didn’t already know. He even shared that HIS credit score is 800...la-di-fucking-da)."
Me: “So, if I did...(repeating what he had said...acting like I was writing it down) then it shouldn’t take too long at all.”
Realtor: “No, I don’t think it would.”
Me: ...Silence
Realtor: “Ok, Mr. Schaefer. I’m sure that I can talk to the owners and we can work something out.”
Me: “That sounds great. Thanks for all your help.”
Realtor: “No problem. I’ll call you tomorrow after I talk with the owners.”
Me: “Ok, then I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Goodbye.”
Realtor: “Goodbye.”

He called back this afternoon and told us to come in at 4pm to sign the lease.

I am posting yesterday’s phone call for a couple of reasons.
First, I am proud of myself. Proud that I did NOT react on the phone like I reacted in my last post, not for what I DID do. My last post was venting for having to, once again, kiss some lackey’s ass. lg also had to hear a whole lot more on the way home from work yesterday. Only a couple short years ago, I would have blown up and we would still be looking for a place to live. Second, and this is what I really want to talk about, is the actual semantics of everyday conversations.

My fifth idiosyncrasy was about my ongoing struggle with interactions with other people in the world at large. My anti-social behavior. I have never been good at conversing with people in social or even business situations. This is not because I do not know how to communicate; I consider myself quite above average when it comes to communication, when it is honest and about REAL issues. Small talk and what I have heard called POWER talking (how to get your way using tricks in conversations and crap like that) have always been very alien to me. lg has always been the pro when it came to these things.
I have been struggling with the fact that, whether I think it is bullshit or not, it is absolutely necessary in the society we live in. And I am getting much better at it, even though it makes me feel ill when I do engage in it and I am NOT proud of doing it.
Example: The conversation I had with the realtor could have cost us this house, but it didn’t, even though I believe that the man had no intention of renting to us when I first answered the phone. I didn’t panic or get pissed off, however, and was able to direct the conversation where I chose to. Of course, I had to do a bunch of fucked up (in my opinion...others see these as positive traits, I know) things to do it. My non-confrontational confidence, my ability to stroke his ego and appeal to his greed were all factors in his changing his attitude and his mind.
In a society where it’s ok, even considered an admirable quality, to ‘take out’ the next guy to get ahead and where we are rewarded for our greed, it is no wonder we treat each other in the truly awful ways we do. I wish that I could change it, and for many years I thought I could at least do my part by not participating in all the crap I have just described. But I have been shit on because of this for so many years that I just don’t care anymore. I will still try to be kind to people, and will still avoid bullshit, day to day conversations, but I WILL play the game if I need to get what my family and I need.

So, my apologies for the rant in my last post. I considered deleting it (it embarrasses me slightly) but it is who I am...and this seems to be the only public forum that will allow it, even if I DO have to hide behind a pseudonym. And besides, my last post distracts from my boys photos!

Keep Living.

C.

FUCKEM!

2005-08-09T15:57:00.000-05:00

I can’t fucking believe it! Our (questionable) credit is now fucking with our ability to rent! A (somewhat embarrassing) call from the realtor today explained that the owners of the house we are trying to rent may have problems with some of the stuff on our credit report, despite the fact that NONE of it is within the last 18 months and the fact that we have not been late on a single rent payment for over two years.

I mean, COME ONE! What the fuck do they want from us! They give us a credit card four years ago with a credit limit of $300 and an APR rate of 29% and the first time we are late we are charged late fees, transaction charges, etc. of $125! So now we owe $400 on a card with a $300 limit. Things get tough financially so we pay the minimum every month on the card. A year later, we owe over $500 on a card with a $300 limit! WHAT THE FUCK!?!
So I say “Fuck it!” and forget I even have a card. It goes to collection and what does it say we owe? $784.23! I figured it out. With all the payments we made in the time we had the card, we paid them OVER A THOUSAND DOLLARS! And we still owe them $784.23??????? For $300 spent on a Christmas that wouldn’t have happened if we had not got the card?

FREE SOCIETY, MY ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CAPITOL ONE CAN KISS MY LILLY WHITE ASS!

MONEY-GRUBBING FUCKERS!

My Boy's A Photographer!

2005-08-09T14:11:00.000-05:00

Our son’s photos are back from the developer! Here are a couple of pics he took in Australia. The boy has the eye, for sure! These were taken on cheap disposable cameras.

The Australian Opera House...from a different point of view...

The Australian Opera House...A Godly point of view...

A Mountain Trail

(Click the pics to see the larger versions)

We definitely have to get him a decent camera, don’t you think?!?

Keep Living Well.

Update and a Question...

2005-08-08T13:41:00.000-05:00

Well, as I have mentioned in an earlier post, we are not able to buy a house yet due to credit problems. We have several things to take care of to get our credit score up. It’s not that bad, really. If we paid everything off that is on our report, including medical bills, it will cost us under three grand. A lot better than I had thought it would be.
So that means that we will have to rent for another year, which is ok because it will give us time to get our credit up to par so we can buy when the year is up. lg said that she would prefer a house to rent rather than another apartment. Since we have been talking about this, it dawned on me that lg and I have never lived in a place where we were the only people in the building. We either lived in an apartment building, rented a portion of a house with other units in it or have had roommates in every single place we have lived in the last nineteen years! (Some of the roommates were fun, though...*evil grin*)
We have been looking for houses to rent for the last few days and have found several. We had narrowed it down to two as of today. The first is a 3br/1.5ba on a corner lot of a decent sub-division. Its brick with a large manufactured addition. Its very clean with a large, screened in patio, but is not the most stylish. Very ‘70s! lol The next door neighbor (who was very nice) told us that the rent was $950/mo. The second house was actually VERY nice. Its a 3br/2ba on a very secluded lot, with a patio and a fairly large, screened in pool!
So, today I called the numbers from the signs out front. I called the one with the pool first. The woman was kinda bitchy (not important, really) and told me that the rent was $1,200/mo. About what I had expected. When I called about the other home, I got a pleasant surprise. The rent is only $875/mo! Now, truthfully, we could afford the house with the pool and it would be very nice to have for a year. The problem is that if we did that, we would not have the resources to pay off the things on our credit report, and end up in the same boat as we are in right now at the end of the year-lease.
So we are in the process of filling out the application and getting the ball rolling on the house without the pool. Both of us are very excited and a little nervous, but that’s natural, I think. To be the only ones living there is going to be a pleasant, new experience for us. I believe it will do wonders for our new lifestyle too! For lg not to have to worry about people on the other side of the wall hearing us will do wonders on its own ( I couldn’t care less who hears us...lol).

Ok, I have a question that I am going to ask here and on the TPE forum. It concerns ‘playrooms’. We will have an extra room that we plan on hooking up all my computers in (there are five). I was also thinking that this could serve well as a playroom also. My question is:

How do you all hide/protect your playrooms without bringing undo attention to it to begin with?

I mean, if you lock the door and tell kids/guests not to go in, doesn’t that just make them want to know what’s in there all the more? I thought of keeping our stuff in our bedroom, but this would mean lugging things back and forth all the time. I know that we could just keep playing in our bedroom, which we may end up having to do, but I think there is something to be said for having separate spaces for ‘D/s play’ and our vanilla lives. Just thought you all may know some tricks I hadn't thought of.
Anyway, life is hectic, nerve-wracking and as scary as ever...but without conflict and change what a boring world we would live in.

Keep Living Well.

C.

Tagged Again...

2005-08-08T10:36:00.000-05:00

I was tagged by our friend with the sore fingers from all the typing she has been doing, annissa...

Five idiosyncrasies, huh... I have none; I am perfectly normal in every way...HA! lol

1. I have to have a fan running in order to sleep, no matter what the temperature is. This stems from the fact that the house that I grew up in had no A/C, so I would put a fan six inches from my head in order to stay cool.

2. I’m a pack-rat and save everything, to lg’s aggravation. I will save a broken VCR for the thirty or so screws that keep the thing together. In my defense, Our VCR, CD changer and one of our TVs came from family members or friends that were throwing them away because they ‘didn’t work’. We have been watching the TV for over three years now.

3. This one is a little strange. I can NOT stand it for someone to rub their bare feet on any carpet. It has the effect that fingernails down a chalkboard has on most people (which doesn’t bother me in the slightest, btw). I can do it myself and it doesn’t bother me, but if someone else does it, they will see me running away like a crazy man. lol

4. I am a ‘Get To Where You Are Going As Fast As Possible’ type. On car trips, passengers better pee when they can, cuz otherwise they will be doing it in fast food drink containers (male OR female!).

5. I’m not sure if this is a idiosyncrasy or not, but I am not a very social person and prefer to say nothing than to engage in ‘small talk’. If I have nothing to say, then I say nothing, which sometimes causes people to think that I am rude or moody. Thanks to lg, I have gotten a lot better at socializing over the years.

Ok, I have some new people to tag...sorry folks. : )

kaya

Christina

rayne

Tara

SeaRabbit

Keep Living Well.

An Interesting Evening...

2005-08-03T15:36:00.000-05:00

Last night was an interesting night. lg and I hadn’t had sex in over a week. There were several reasons for this. First, the activities we have been engaged in since the boy came home were not conducive to alone time for us. Second, our life is in turmoil due to the fact that we have to find a place to live. We have quite a bit to fix on our credit before we can buy a home, so we will have to rent for another year. *sigh* The third reason that we have not been having sex for a while is that I have been consciously waiting for lg to either vocally ask for sex or for her to initiate it. This is something that she has much trouble with; asking for what she wants. Due to this, there have been several nights that she would get naked and cuddle up to me as we lay in bed at the end of a day and I could tell she may want to engage in some fun. I would lay there, waiting for her to do or say something, but she would inevitably fall asleep with no nookie. I haven’t discussed this with lg yet, so when she reads this it will be the first she has heard about it. She may have some things to say to me about it; i.e. “I thought you were supposed to be the one to initiate sex!” or “Aren’t I supposed to follow your lead?”. In some cases, yes. Maybe most cases. But I would like to see her feel as comfortable asking for what she wants from me, especially when it comes to sex, as I am supposed to be with what I want from her.
Last night she initiated sex. It was quite cute, really. We were lying in bed watching TV like we usually do at the end of a day when she undressed and started trying to cuddle. When I did not immediately attack her, she asked me to turn out the light. When I still did not respond, she grabbed the remote out of my hand and turned off the TV, leaving us in darkness. I asked her what she was doing and she responded in that cute, sly little voice “I don’t know”. She then grabbed my cock and we were off! lol
Another thing that I noticed while we were having sex, and I hope lg will see as well, was the way she always starts out saying things like “Don’t play with my butt, ok?” or “I don’t really feel like having pain tonight, ok?” This is totally my fault. I have a tendency to go a little too deep into Dom/Space (and it IS real...I don’t care what anyone says...lol) too soon, grabbing and squeezing and going for all the ‘sensitive’ spots with no work-up. It is partially lg’s fault for being so incredibly sexy, but since I have been paying such close attention to what we say and do to each other, I am getting much better. Last night she started in the same way. I didn’t say anything, but took my time, being especially gentle to start with. I then gradually increased the intensity of my caresses until an hour later I was pinching her nipples and slapping her cunt harder than I ever have. Ever! At the end, I was pushing two fingers of each hand into her pussy and spreading them out, opening her up wider than she has been since she had the boy! I was able to suck her clit into my mouth and literally chew on it, which is something I have never been able to do before. What was lg’s reaction to all this? Four orgasms (that I noticed) and I had to keep telling her to be quiet or put my hand over her mouth to keep her from disturbing our son or the two friends he had over for the night. I hope that lg sees that I actually am paying attention and she doesn’t need to list a series of rules for me to follow during sex. If there are rules to be made, I will make them. Trust that I will not go hodge-podge into sex or a scene without first making sure that you are ready for it. Someday I may be able to throw you over the bed without warning and stuff my dick up your ass (God willing), but that is somewhere far down the road from where we are now.
Needless to say, lg was a very good little girl last night. She stretched (pun intended) her limits and we both benefited. She crossed that ‘line’ a few steps and returned unharmed (if a little sore).
I love you, little girl...more and more everyday. I know how cliché it is, but sometimes I honestly think I am going to explode from the love you give me.

You are mine, always.

C.

What a great weekend!

2005-08-02T14:32:00.000-05:00

We went to Epcot on Saturday, MGM on Saturday night and Typhoon Lagoon on Sunday because we found out we had more days left on our tickets (which we bought four or five years ago) than we had thought. MGM was crowded as Hell, but the other two parks were practically empty! The three of us had a ball riding rides, going to shows, making fun of the tourists (playfully), and generally hanging out together. We hadn’t done that in a long time. Mission Space was the main reason I wanted to go and it didn’t disappoint! If you have never ridden it, it is absolutely the best simulator you will ever ride, pulling 3 Gs! It’s short, but I knew it would be.

There hasn’t been any D/s play for a while, which is fine. We needed some ‘normal’ family time. lg is now wearing an anklet 24/7 to represent her submission to me. While she is still getting used to the idea that she is mine whenever I want for whatever I want and has made a few blunders, she is doing very well, overall. I have been trying to let her know what I expect, but I definitely have room for improvement.

The journey continues...

Keep Living Well.

C.

A Quick Post for nuala...

2005-07-29T13:37:00.000-05:00

Here are a couple poems for you, nuala...They have helped me deal with The Monster I call my son on more than one occassion...
: )

A Parent's Prayer

~Author Unknown~

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,I
'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they're stuffing down the sink,
Or who they're with, or where they're at
And what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean(
well heck, I've got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them (my wits) long ago!

If I Had My Child to Raise Over Again

by Diane Loomans

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd finger-paint more, and point the fingers less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less and know to care more.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging.
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.
I'd teach less about the love of power,
And more about the power of love.

I hope you start feeling better soon. : )

Keep Living Well.

C.

Update

2005-07-27T15:28:00.000-05:00

We go to pick up the boy at the airport at 11pm tonight! He only called us once (figures) so we are both extremely excited to see him and get all the details. We took off work tomorrow so that we could spend the day with him and then, after work on Friday, we are doing Disney for the weekend. I know, he is probably tired as Hell, but if he thought he was going to get through the whole summer without doing anything with us, he is sadly mistaken! lol
So, I’m not going to dwell on any bad stuff for the next few days. It’s all about having fun with my family in a classic family sort of way, whether we can afford it or not!

Keep Living Well.

C.

Countdown...

2005-07-26T14:20:00.000-05:00

Ten:
Cuffs attached with care to the bar,
Her wrists dangle loosely above her,
Blindfolded eyes,
And open, drooling mouth.

Nine:
Whispers in her ear,
From the Man of her dreams,
Sensual phrases and guttural noises,
And four letter words of encouragement.

Eight:
Hands soft on her mass,
Exploring her dimensions,
Leather biting soft flesh,
Metal biting hard flesh.

Seven:
Chains placed and dangle,
From clandestine places,
Weighted and situated,
For maximum affect.

Six:
Moans escape her, sounding more like screams,
Breathless words of pleading,
And supplicated movements,
Meant to be ignored.

Five:
Increasing paces for a heart that races,
Leather falling,
Faster,
Harder.

Four:
Admonishments from her own mind,
Unwilling to let go,
But unable to stop it,
She starts to cry.

Three:
Time and space blend,
No idea where or when,
Today begins,
Or tomorrow ends.

Two:
Narrow passages traveled,
To distant places,
Her mind everywhere at once,
With only one voice to guide her.

One:
An escalation of mind and sensation,
And an overwhelming detonation,
Of dreams and beliefs colliding,
In one final moment of bliss.

Zero:
Then collapsing, body and soul,
Into strong arms,
Trusting paid in full,
From her to Him,
And back again.

Just Felt Like Writing...

2005-07-26T12:24:00.000-05:00

S omewhere between her
U nassuming character, her
B estowment of control, and her
M andate of my authority,
.I
S ee her for what she is and
S upport her
.I n all her
V estal and non-vestal
E ndeavors.

D etermined to manage the
O bsession in my heart,
M y desire for control and
.I nitiate a better way to
N avigate myself
A nd determine the
N eeds and wants of
T hose in my charge.

Keep Living.

C.

A Realization & An Explanation

2005-07-25T13:33:00.000-05:00

Well, our two week 24/7 trial period is over. lg and I talked about it and she decided that she wanted to continue it for a while. This is more than I could have hoped for.
I have been looking at the things I did differently during the past two weeks and realized that, well, I didn’t act much differently than normal. The difference was that we kept our new way of looking at our life in the forefront of our minds.
Since we started looking into all this several months ago, I have been trying to ‘act’ like a Dom. I have been changing the way I deal with lg in ways that I am starting to discover are not necessary. Things like telling her to do something rather than asking her to do it. I realize now that it doesn’t matter how I word my ‘commands’, only how lg responds to them.
lg has been my sub for many, many years…I just never put a label on it before. She has gotten me out of bed in the morning, made me breakfast if I wanted it, did my laundry, cooked practically all my meals and done her best to make me happy for as long as we have been together. So, when we went into ‘Dom/sub’ mode, I had expected to see all these new attributes in lg and a generally different sort of interaction between us. This did not happen. My idea of a good submissive is her knowing what to do to make her Dom happy without being told. What happened was that I realized even more how submissive lg has been to me all these years, and what a good job she has always done. Another difference during our trial period was that lg was much more upbeat and happy to be there with me, doing things for me. I think this lifestyle is good for us because it keeps our attention on each other better than we usually do.
I also think that lg, at first, also expected me to ‘direct’ her more…to help her in area’s that she struggles (which I do). The problem with this is that she does not need nearly as much help with her life struggles as she thinks she does; that she doesn’t need my help in as many areas as she thought she did. She is the strongest woman I have ever met, despite her submissive nature. My job, as her Dom, is to help her realize this, and in doing so, make some realizations about myself, as well. lg and I have never been closer than we are today.
I am starting to discover that we will never be seen as a ‘traditional’ D/s couple when it comes to everyday life. In the bedroom, we will surely keep pushing the limits sexually, but in ‘real’ life, our relationship, even behind closed doors, will never ‘look’ like we are D/s. That is us and is just fine by me, but brings me to the second part of this post.

I have been posting some on the TPE forums lately…with some very mixed reactions from the other members. Everyone has been very polite and non-confrontational in the forum itself, but I believe that I have pissed off more than a few of them and have received some nasty emails about it. My post in “Abuse Guidelines” really got under some peoples skin, and this saddens me a bit. I started the post by saying that I am NOT an experienced Dom and am new to this lifestyle and that my views were from that perspective. I was hoping that people would understand that my views may be…naïve?...on the subject and that I was putting it out there for the purpose of discussion, not as a statement of fact.
I have some responsibility in their reactions though. I posted on the forum very similarly to the way I post here. Posting on a forum, though, is NOT the same. This blog is mine and mine alone, so I can say whatever I want. On a forum, however, it is an online ‘public’ place; a town hall, if you will. Also, if I post here on a subject that might be controversial, the people who read it are likely to have read my blog for a while and will have a better perspective of how I came to the conclusions I did, or can at least read back to find out.
So, unfortunately, I feel like I have to be guarded about what I post on the forum. I will do a lot more lurking to find useful information there and will limit my active participation. This online community has been a Godsend for me and for lg, and the last thing I want to do is ostracize us from it.

Keep Living Well.

C.

A Little More to Deal With...

2005-07-19T12:59:00.000-05:00

As if we don’t have enough going on, we got a notice on our door the other day stating that the owners of our building are selling each individual unit as condos and that they can evict us with fifteen days notice. GREAT!
So, we are now in the process of finding a real estate agent to help us figure out if we can buy a house. We have always rented and our credit is far less than perfect. Some more changes in our life to be nervous about. I haven’t the slightest idea of how to go about buying a house but, luckily, we have contacts from work that will lead us in the right direction. The property values in our area are through the friggin roof, and we want to stay in the same school district, so who knows what will happen. On to a happier topic.
If you went to lg’s blog, then you know that our two week 24/7 trial has been going very well. She has been taking her new duties in stride and her attitude has been exemplary. She seems to be happier and more content than usual and that is more than I had expected. Example: Night before last lg came into the bedroom holding her collar. She asked if she could wear it for awhile, even though her brother was expected to come over. The look on her face was priceless. She looked like a cute little puppy dragging its leash to its master, asking to go for a walk. I buckled her into it and relished in her transformation to the demure little girl I expect. She then told me that I could make her wear it a lot more if I wanted to. This is unusual for lg. She has, from the beginning of our experimenting, said that she wasn’t sure if the collar was something she wanted to be a part of all this. She also has a small phobia of having things around her neck and has never worn chokers. So, when she came into the bedroom specifically asking to be collared, it was a definite sign of progress and of her ability to stop being so nervous.
Another change that I have noticed is how wet lg is all the time. She has always been a gusher once she is in the sack and engaged in some fun, but to be able to reach under her dress at almost anytime of day or night and feel her gushing is something very new. Again, a good sign that she is, in fact, enjoying all this.
I also have realized that I have to pay a lot of attention to her while in a 24/7 situation. I am used to falling into bed and watching TV or playing video games when all of my responsibilities are taken care of and letting lg go about whatever it is she wants to do. Several times during this two weeks, though, I have found myself doing this and then realizing that lg needs some kind of attention; that she is just laying on the sofa, vegetating, which is not like her. Lack of direction for her on my part. Taking control of lg’s life has, in a very concrete way, made me take a hard look at my own. The responsible adult I thought that I was is just not enough. I have always been a ‘go with the flow’ type of person, allowing life to lead me where it may. I have no regrets about where my life has gone so far, but the truth is that I have just been very lucky. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not changing my whole concept on life, but I am taking a more active role in where life leads us now. I still ‘go with the flow’ but am starting to realize that there are more than one ‘flow’ and that I can choose which ‘flow’ I want to go with. And this is a direct result of our, in lg’s words, immersion into D/s. Overall, I think that this whole thing is not only bringing lg and I closer together, it is affecting all aspects of our lives in a positive way.

Keep Living Well.

C.

lg has a new post...

2005-07-18T10:23:00.000-05:00

Here is lg's first post in a long time...

http://www.submissionbound.blogspot.com/

A note about lg's blog: Writing is something that lg is not very comfortable doing...especially when others will be reading it. She is a much better writer than she thinks and will gain confidence the more she does it (like all the new things we are doing lately). Also, we do not currently have the 'net at home (a money thing) so we do all our posting from work. lg's job is more time demanding than mine, so she gets few opportunities to post right now. She will be posting more once we get the 'net at home running again, which should be in the next month or so.

Keep Living.

C.

Punishment

2005-07-14T13:55:00.000-05:00

lg,

tonight:

Five strokes with the flogger, for not writing last night, before your brother comes over and then the yellow ball stuffed into your pussy for one hour, whether your brother is there or not.

Next time will be with the cane...

Contract

2005-07-12T13:22:00.000-05:00

lg suggested to me that it would be helpful to her to have a concrete 'contract' of sorts to solidify our agreement for the next couple weeks.

So here it is, sweet. You can sign it tonight.

Contract

I hereby authorize Blue to make ALL decisions for me including, but not limited to, issues of dress, food intake, bed times, rise times, bathroom privileges, etc., from Tuesday, July 12, 2005 to Sunday, July 24, 2005. I also agree that Blue may use my body at anytime for any purpose and in any way he sees fit. Only during work hours (those hours that I am actually clocked in) and with issues of privacy (i.e. house guests, etc.) will this agreement be temporarily lifted. I agree I have read and understand the rules previously written out and discussed. I also understand that if there are infractions of this contract, Blue has the authority to deal out punishment to me in any way he sees fit.

I am his.

Signature______________________________________________

Update

2005-07-11T12:51:00.000-05:00

Well, the boy is somewhere over the Pacific ocean as I write this. He lands in Sydney at 7:20am Sydney time. Of course, the time thing has got me all turned around. He will actually arrive their on the 12th, but that’s today to us…whatever…lol
He was SOOO excited. Our son is usually very reserved and, well…’Cool’. On the way to and at the airport, he was beside himself and couldn’t stop talking. We couldn’t go to the gate with him so we watched him go through security through glass. I expected him to be his usual cool self and not really pay attention to us, but I was very pleasantly surprised. He waved at us nearly the whole time, aggravating the security workers. The smile on his face never left once and even when he got through security and could barely see us from the other side, he still was waving. I am so proud of myself and lg for providing this opportunity to our twelve year old son. Knowing that his perspective of the world around him is going to change so drastically in such a positive way is something that I wish all parents and kids could experience.
lg is handling it VERY well. Much better than I had anticipated. She still thinks about nothing but where he is at a particular moment, but there is no panic or over-worrying. She seems almost calm about it. That is, in part, due to the fact that we did not do daycare for the summer and just trusted in the boy to be good and were keeping track of him while we were at work by phone. Now he is with an organized and supervised group, and I think that is helping lg a lot.
Which is very good for OUR adventure. Our two weeks of training officially starts this evening as soon as we clock out at work. We are using a framework built from different essays found at Internal Enslavement (link is to your right). lg has agreed to do a 24/7 for these two weeks. Only while we are clocked in at work will she be free to make her own decisions. Other than that, all decisions will be made by myself. She has agreed that no matter what happens or what I decide for her and us, she will adhere to it and that, even if she disagrees with me and thinks I am completely wrong, any willfulness or arguing will be punished accordingly. For my part, I agreed that I would never lose sight that this MUST be a good experience for BOTH of us, not just my libido. We also agreed that we have plenty of time and that we don’t have to do every single thing, sexually, that I want her to do this session. For this reason I gave her the opportunity to pick a few things that are on her “Almost” on the hard-limits list that she wants me to concentrate on. Some of these are testing her pain threshold with spankings, whippings and clips (yum), cum swallowing, pussy stretching and some light pee play. This way she won’t be worrying about when I’m gonna shove my dick in her ass or pull out the needles.
I also want to spend quality time with her just going to the beach, out to eat, going for a drive, etc. I am positive that with me making all decisions, we will do more of these things instead of me watching the boob tube while lg cleans all day. She does not realize how hard she is on herself and I am hoping that this two weeks will help her realize that she can make time for herself and still take care of me and the boy. A happy submissive is a good submissive, and I plan on giving her everything she needs and wants. Plus, I plan on cumming at least twenty times over the next two weeks. : )
So, life is good and adventures abound.

Oh yea…and the fireworks KICKED ASS as usual! I should have pics next month sometime and possibly a small video clip if I can find a place to store it on the ‘net.

Anyway, I will try to keep my posts up to date through the next two weeks and lg will have some writing assignments so there may actually be a few new posts on her blog as well.

Keep Living Well.

C.

A Small Tribute...

2005-06-28T14:47:00.000-05:00

This is a small dedication to ash, annissa, Gardian & nuala and the many other blogs that are helping lg and I find our path again.

Muddled Thoughts and Blogspots

Thoughts swirl, mingle, separate and rejoin,
Decisions made on the flip of a coin.
Countdown to disaster or total bliss,
Pressures liquid through his mindful abyss.

He can’t find his own center,
Now asked to be a mentor.
Two plus two must certainly equal four,
Unless she wants just a little more.

So he takes to the ‘net when no one’s around,
Altavista and google key words abound,
But what does he find instead of aid?
Dirty pics and spyware on his computer, I’m afraid.

So he hits the many chatrooms, chats on every subject, a very broad cast,
But can barely keep up reading them, let alone type that fast.
And besides, BigDick2000 just keeps talking about sex,
But the man's looking for feelings and how they will affect,
Their relations together and what they might be,
Twenty years from now, not just when he cums, you see.

So its on to the forums, a billion words in each one,
Posts asking for pics, aww come on, it’ll be fun,
And not one single line on the subject he seeks,
So hours searching wasted, just to find some more freaks.

And then, on the radio, he hears of a new thing,
And it sounds kinda cool, kinda interesting,
So he writes down a word, just one word, even though,
The word sounds more like a bad seventies kids show.

Blogging is the word, and his mind is entrigued!
People writing for no reason, just for themselves it seemed.
With tons of information on every subject around,
And hardly a nasty comment can ever be found.

So he searches and searches, and finally he finds,
A blog on the subject he has been looking for,
And it feels like a true meeting, a meeting of the minds,
And he finally has advice on how to open that ‘Door’.

A Door that has been tried by himself and his girl,
Cracked open a bit and peeked into a little,
But once where there was big scary things that belittled,
Now there is hope, help, knowledge made of pearl.

A sound board to bounce his ideas off of,
That first blog was a Godsend, straight from above,
Info and feelings shared with love,
Helping his new role to fit like a glove.

Because that blog led to another…and another he found,
Good people everywhere, with advice, fine and sound.
The ‘net isn’t really a cesspool after all,
You just have to find the right people is all.

So next time you need info and the ‘net is where you look,
Search through all the blogs instead of getting hooked,
By the multitude of bullshit on the ‘net these days,
Blogs are the way to go to help lift that haze.

It’s too bad that the internet isn’t all like this,
Because mutual respect and love is what truly leads to bliss.

C.

Update

2005-06-22T13:06:00.000-05:00

Wow! What a couple of weeks! The boy is back from Boston. He had a great time. His time there was jam packed! He saw five movies, went to Cambridge and Harvard, the aquarium, saw the Blue Man Group (I am sooo jealous!) and actually marched in Boston’s annual lesbians parade! Pretty cool, huh?
Now we are preparing him for his trip to Australia and preparing ourselves for the trip up to Virginia. My pyro genes are in full force now. I can’t wait! lg is going crazy with all the preparations. I am trying to help, but she tends to get frantic at times like this and its usually better to just let her go.
The weekend that lg and I were supposed to have alone was spent just being together. We had a lot of vanilla sex but spent most of our time just being alone and relaxing. There wasn’t really any sessions and I’m fine with that. With so little time alone together, we tend to try and cram everything we want to do into that small amount of time. Instead of having this happen, I postponed lg’s official collaring until the boy is in Australia. It was still very nice to be with her. She took very good care of me; I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to do the whole week that our son was gone so the D/s was in full swing, just no sessions. I am a very lucky man.
Work has been a bitch, and since we do not have the net at home, I haven’t had a chance to catch up with any of the blogs I read (especially Gabriel and kaylems blog…they seem to write ten thousand or so words a day!) but I did find a blog, Sugar and Spice 69, that I think that lg and I will enjoy reading. Tara is just beginning thoughts of D/s and I gotta say, its nice to see that there are other D/s beginners out here in the bloggersphere besides us! I’ve added her to my blogger list to your right, so stop by and take a look if you get a chance.
Father’s Day was a very nice day. Lg cooked my Father’s Day dinner the night before. It was wonderful. On Sunday, we went to the in-laws house as usual and had hamburgers and hotdogs. It was nice, too. The thing I want to mention though is that a friend of lg’s folks came down from Virginia to visit. He is an old school Greek man in his late 60s. He brought his daughter and his niece, who was visiting from Greece. It was a pleasure to spend the day with them, listening to their accents. One thing I noticed, though, was the extremely dominant presence this man possessed. It was apparent in the way the two girls, 19 and 22, reacted to him and the way he demanded attention without the slightest hint of rudeness. lg’s reaction to him was apparent to me, even though she later said that she didn’t realize she was doing anything different than being a good host. At one point, while lg and her mother were serving dinner, the man, without even looking up, held up his rum & coke and simply said “Ice.” Lg’s reaction was immediate. She didn’t hesitate to take care of his needs without question. Now, lg does this for everyone in her life, but it almost seemed as though the man’s simple demand, without a please or thank you, gave her a respect that a please or thank you would not have provided. That, in expecting no less than compliance, he was by that very fact, showing her his respect. It was an eye opener to me and gave me a perspective of a dominant male that I hadn’t had before. To show dominance without words but to still show respect is something that I am not sure can be learned, but I can tell you that I will try.
Overall, things are good, if extremely hectic. I may not be able to post for awhile, but I will try to post some quick updates when I can. I always feel better and more organized after writing here. Something about seeing things written down that does my brain and heart good.

Until then,
Keep Living.

C.

I Was Tagged Again...

2005-06-13T12:01:00.000-05:00

Payback from ash. : )

Have you ever...?
snuck out of the house - Yes
gotten lost in your city - Yes (I have NO sense of direction)
seen a shooting star - Wished on it and everything
been to any other countries besides Canada - Yes
had a serious surgery - Not really
gone out in public in your pajamas -Yes
kissed a stranger - Yes
hugged a stranger - Yes
been in a fist fight - Yes
been arrested - No (OK, yes...damnit)
laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose - Yes
pushed all the buttons on an elevator - Yes
swore at your parents - Yes
been in love - Oh yes
been close to love - Yes
been to a casino - Yes
been skydiving - No (Why would anyone jump out of a perfectly good airplane?)
been skinny dipping - Yes
skipped school - Too many times
seen a therapist - Probably not enough times.
done the splits - Ouch! No
played spin the bottle - Oh yes
gotten stitches drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour -Probably (I love milk!)
bitten someone - Yup
been to Niagara Falls - Drove past it once
gotten the chicken pox - Yes
kissed a member of the opposite sex - More than once
crashed into a friend's car - It was my Dad's car...does that count?
been to Japan - Would love to but no
ridden in a taxi - Yes
been dumped - Yes
shoplifted - Yes
been fired - More times than I care to remember
had a crush on someone of the same sex - Yes
had feelings for someone who didn't have them back - Yes
gone on a blind date - No
lied to a friend - Yes
had a crush on a teacher - A few
celebrated Mardi-Gras in new Orleans - Not yet...but soon, I hope
been to Europe - Same as last answer
slept with a co-worker - Yes
been married - Happily
gotten divorced - Happily No
had children - One
seen someone die - Not personally
had a close friend die - Yes
been to Africa - No
driven over 400 miles in one day - Many times
been to US - duh
been to Mexico - Yes
been to India - No
been on a plane - Yes
seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show - Only on TV, never in a theatre
thrown up in a bar - Yup
purposely set a part of myself on fire - I just don't get this one...is there a blog for this???
eaten sushi - Yes and YUK
been skiing/snowboarding - Got kicked out of my skiiing class in high school, so no
met someone in person from the internet - not yet
lost a child - In an arcade once
gone to college/university - Yes
graduated college/university - No (got 58 credits, though...lol)
fired a gun - Yes
purposely hurt yourself - Yes
taken painkillers - Yes
been intimate with someone of the same gender - Yes

I don't think they have been tagged yet...but not sure.

nuala

annissa

Sorry ladies. [[evil grin]]

C.

Now For The Rest Of The Story...

2005-06-08T16:09:00.000-05:00

He looked down at his hand, wrapped in her long, silky, reddish hair. It shimmered in the light of the single candle burning in the corner of the bedroom. Her head was bobbing and needed no guiding from him. It had been three months since she had started her blowjob training; and it had paid off. He could feel her lips sliding up and down his shaft, taking in more than two thirds of him.

He reached under her with his free hand and squeezed her breast hard. She half moaned, half grunted, but never lost her rhythm. He knew that she loved to have her tits punished; even when there was nothing for her to be punished for. He took one of her large, erect nipples between two fingers and his thumb and proceeded to pinch it hard. He was rewarded with a small yelp from his lap.

As she continued to suck him, he could feel his balls filling and felt that familiar sensation that signaled he was getting close. He wasn’t ready to cum yet, so he pressed her head down until he felt her nose in his pubic hair, held her there until just before she began to choke and then released her. His cock fell from her mouth with a loud ‘plop’.

He rolled her over and stared at the body offered before him. She was so beautiful. Her hair had fallen over her shoulders and chest and had started to frizz slightly, as it was prone to do. Her bright red nipples stood out from under her hair. His gaze traveled south and he admired the swell of her belly. She hated the fact that her stomach pooched slightly, but the fact that it was the result of their son only made it sexier to him. He followed the curve of her hips to her narrow line of feathery pubic hair that hovered above her swollen vulva. There was a wet sheen on her bald, intimate flesh from the candlelight, produced by her desire and he could smell her yearning and was intoxicated by it. One leg was stretched out, toes pointed, and the other was bent and laid lazily to one side.

He reached between her thighs and easily let three fingers slide into her. Again, that low, guttural moan from her that never failed to exhilarate him. He leaned over her and softly kissed her cheek, her nose, her parted mouth. Her tongue danced over his lips, inside and outside his mouth. He took it in his teeth and held it there for a long moment, all the while plunging his fingers deep inside her. He relishing the frightened and excited look she gave him, her eyebrows furrowing.

He kissed her neck and ear and whispered, “You are such a good girl.” Once again he was enthralled with her reaction to those words. Her breathing quickened as another moan escaped her and she pulled her other leg up and out, making herself more available to him. He swung himself on top of her and slid himself into her beside his fingers, Sucking in his breath at the tightness of it.

“Oh, God!” She squealed. “My cunt is so full!”

He roughly swiped her hair from her tits and took a handful of her tender flesh and pulled her upward towards him. He didn’t let go when her back was pulled from the bed and she grimaced, yelling, “Ow, ow, ow, ow!”

He pulled his wet fingers from her open hole and stuffed them in her mouth, forcing his cock to her inner depths. She tried to scream, but it was muffled by the fingers reaching for her tonsils. He felt her pussy tighten around him and begin to contract. She was cumming.

He threw her back down and pistoned in and out of her with deep, long, fast strokes.

He slapped each breast hard, in turn as she started screaming, “I’M CUMMING!!!”

He tried to follow her intense rhythm as she pumped her hips upward to meet him. Her face curled and she bit her lip, moaning and grunting loudly. The waves of pleasure hit her for a full minute before her pace slowed and he could feel her essence spreading between her thighs. Her pussy was a cavern and this fueled his own passion. He absolutely loved fucking her when her cunt was this open and wet.

He yanked her up by her waist and flipped her over on her knees. He let four fingers slip easily into her sopping pussy for a moment before thrusting his cock back into her. Her pleasure pleased him but his own pleasure was now his focus as he fucked her. He alternated between slapping her ass and reaching around her waist to pinch her now swollen nipples.

This lasted maybe fifteen minutes, but time didn’t really mean much to him at the moment. His pace went frantic and when he pulled out of her and was treated to the sight of her gaping cunt, it was more than he could take.

She immediately flipped over and pushed her tits together, indicating where she wanted his sperm. He straddled her stomach and stroked himself until he started spurting. His cum covered her boobs and hands and dripped down her sides onto the bed. When he was finally done, he collapsed next to her, trying to breath. He laid there for several minutes in his own world when he felt her moving.

She had three of her own fingers in herself and was staring at him with the most endearing and desperate look.

“What do you want?” he teased, smiling.

“Please! Please play with my tits!” she begged. “I can cum again if you play with my tits!”

He loved to see her like this. A wanton slut with nothing on her mind but the pleasure of the moment. He reached over and gently and softly stroked her breasts.

“Oohh! Stop teasing me! Do it HARD!” she yelled at him.

He laughed and squeezed her hard, his cum oozing between his fingers.

“My nipples, please!”

He laughed again. She was so damn sexy! He took both nipples between his fingers and pinched harder.

“MORE!” she hissed. He could tell she was going to cum again. He leaned up and pinched both nipples as hard as he could, watching the blood drain from them and both her hands working feverishly between her legs.

This time her orgasm was silent, but he enjoyed watching her spasms, never decreasing the pressure his fingers had on her.

She finally collapsed. She told him, in a breathless voice, how very much she loved him and was asleep within minutes.

He lay back, arms folded behind his head and thought two things before he, too, drifted away.

First: Life is good.

Second: It really is good to be the boss.

A Three Day Weekend…Mmm, Mmm, Good

2005-06-02T15:44:00.000-05:00

Sometimes all it takes to get started back on the right track is a little time off.

Saturday was lg’s brother’s birthday, so the whole family (that live where we do) went to see Episode 3. The movie was good, but the company was better. All of us have been strapped for cash, so we haven’t been out together for awhile. We had a great time and everyone was in good spirits. Lg’s brother, who rarely drinks, wanted to get drunk so he, his brother, a few of his friends and I spent the evening drinking cheap bourbon, playing video games and generally talking shit like guys do. It has been awhile since I did anything like this so I had a blast! I ended up spending the night with lg’s brother and lg didn’t give me any problems when I dropped her and the boy off at home.

I came home at 7 am on Sunday without any major hangover (amazingly!) and crept into bed beside lg. I had every intention of drifting back to sleep when I felt lg’s hand on my cock. We made love for a long while and spent the day together with the boy watching movies and generally being lazy. Another great day.

On Monday, having the day off, I thought it would be a good time to start organizing our computer corner (it really is a corner…lol) so we are ready when we have the money to get our internet turned back on. Some of the (HUGE) mess was from our move here over two years ago. Organizing my CDs took most of the day. I did, however, find the CDs with most of the ‘net porn I have collected over the years. Needless to say, I started out opening a few files on each CD just to see what was on it, averaging about two or three minutes a CD. By the time I got towards the bottom of the stack, I was averaging a half hour per CD. I can get horny when the wind blows, so this task got me more than a little hot and bothered.

When I was done (phew!), I decided to play with lg a little and wrote a note telling her to find four ‘giving head’ clips, four ‘S&M’ clips and four ‘peeing’ clips to watch on the CD I had up on the screen and ‘P.S. You should be naked from the waste down, except for shoes, when I get out of the shower.’ I then put the note under the mouse and told lg I was going to take a shower and that she should take a look at the CD I had found. She sighed and said that she had seen them already. I responded by rolling my eyes and saying that one day, she would just do what I asked her to. A couple minutes later I peaked out of the bedroom and, sure enough, she was perusing the CD. I went and took my shower.

When I got out, I went into the living room naked (the boy was out and about with friends) and saw that lg had not disrobed. I asked her if she had seen my note, but it turned out she hadn’t because I had turned the note upside down. I gave it to her and she read it. She immediately did as the note asked and said that she had seen more than four of each of the clips I had asked her to watch. She actually blushed. It is so hard for her to embrace the slut in her. It’s cute, though…and highly erotic to me.

She prepared some leftovers and we watched TV for awhile while I stroked her thighs. After we finished eating I got semi-dressed (it’s Florida; everyone is semi-dressed!) and ran to the store for a bottle of wine. When I got back, all the lights were off and lg was in the bedroom with a single scented candle going. I poured us glasses of wine and found a half smoked roach in lg’s bedside table. We lazily smoked and drank while we watched Shreck 2 (which I have started watching three times and have yet to see the end…[I bet they live happily ever after]). She likes to lay on her stomach with her head towards the TV which gave me wonderful access to her beautiful bare thighs and ass. As I played with her, touching and kissing her flesh, I could hear her soft and guttural moans.

At some point lg turned her head towards me and said, “Hey! I thought we weren’t doing any D/s stuff until the boy went to Boston?”

I said, “I did say that, didn’t I?”

“Yes you did.”

I slipped a second finger inside her and said, “Your right. I could stop if you want me to.”

She closed her eyes, moaned and shook her head no.

Later, she rolled over and said she had to pee. I told her that until I said differently, she was to pee in the bathtub. She gave me that look that could have been either her ‘mischevious, ooh la la’ look or her ‘I’m afraid and I’ll never be able to do that’ look. I held my breath. She simply rolled back on her stomach and said she could wait. I had to chuckle to myself. There was no way I was letting her off the hook this time.

About a half hour later, she looked at me, grinning, and said that she had to pee! I said go ahead. She grunted and went back to watching TV while I continued playing with her.

Later she said, “Are you going to watch me?”

“Do you want me to watch?” I responded.

“NO!”

“OK, then I won’t.” I said, calmly.

“If you’re not going to watch, then what is the point of my doing it?” she asked.

Here it comes, I thought. lg, the great ‘Deal Maker’. She has a way of taking the simplest statement and dissecting it to the point that it’s hard to tell what the original meaning of the statement is.

I thought for a long moment and then said to her that it was a fairly easy way for her to safely cross that ‘line’ and step back again and that I also just liked making her do ‘bad and nasty’ things.

“Can I take my shoes off?”

“No.”

“Then how will I be able to do it without getting it all over them?”

“Just sit on the edge of the tub like you would the toilet.”

“That won’t work! I won’t be able to balance!”

“Yes you will.”

“Show me!”

“OK.”

I smiled, a little tensely, as she followed me to the bathroom and watched as I demonstrated.

“It will hurt my back. You know my back has been hurting.”

“This isn’t that big a deal, sweetheart.” My patience was wearing thin.

“Then why do I have to do it?”

“little girl, do it or don’t do it!”

“What will you do if I don’t?”

“Don’t do it and find out.”

We sat silently for awhile before lg got up and headed for the bathroom.

“You said you wouldn’t peek!” she said over her shoulder.

I had no intention of peeking. “I won’t.”

I heard the shower curtain being drawn back and caught a glimpse as she disappeared into the tub. About four minutes later she practically bound back into the bedroom and plopped down on the bed.

“I did it!” she said, her face glowing. I realized that she wasn’t looking at me when she said it; that the statement wasn’t really directed towards me. It was directed towards herself. I was struck by the innocent and honest tone of her voice and how the 36 year old woman sitting before me looked to me at that moment so much like the barely turned 17 year old girl she had been when we first met. And how lucky I was to have her.

I pulled her towards me and she buried her head in my chest, hugging me tight. I hugged her back and told her that I loved her. Without coaxing, she slipped her face down my belly, her long reddish hair trailing along my chest. She slid my cock between her breasts a few times before devouring it with her mouth. She has gotten very good at this in the last few months. It feels like absolute heaven. Soon, I flipped her over and started playing with her tits through the thin, black tanktop she was wearing.

Now, lg is a tittie torture whore! While some of this whole transition is hard for her, when it comes to her boobs, she can take a tit beating better than the most extreme of submissives. Two weeks ago, lg’s nipple ring was lost during a heated lovemaking session. While the ring was very pretty and I enjoyed her having it, it was also a constant nuisance for me in bed, so I decided to have her leave it out. This would be the first time in years that I would be able to play with both breasts equally as hard.

To be continued…

C.

Note: Work has been extremely hectic this week, so I will post the rest of Monday night as soon as I can get to it. I know, what a tease! lol

Here is a survey I created...

2005-05-26T10:18:00.000-05:00

(I'm such an HTML Junkie!)

1. At what age did you consciously acknowledge your D/s or M/s tendencies?	I have always had a dominating personality, but it has only been in the last few months that I consciously acknowledge it.
2. Are you currently in a D/s or M/s relationship?	Yes
3. If so, are you 24/7?	No
4. How long have you been in this relationship?	20 years
5. Did it start out as a D/s or M/s relationship or progress to it?	No
6. Do you use a ‘safe’ word?	We have one, but haven't needed to use it yet.
7. If so, describe the circumstances the last time your ‘safe’ word was used.	It hasn't been used yet.
8. Name your favorite toy and why it’s your favorite.	The fishing rod...because of the mixed look of fear and anticipation it produces in my partners eyes.
9. Have you ever attended a ‘munch’?	No, but I am VERY curios about them.
10. If so, how many have you been to?	None
11. The first time you attended, was it what you expected?	Don't know yet.
12. How many ‘sessions’ or ‘scenes’ do you engage in weekly?	1 or 2
13. How often do ‘sessions’ or ‘scenes’ involve other people besides your partner?	They haven't yet.
14. If you could change one thing about your current D/s M/s situation, what would it be?	That we could get past the "Beginners Jitters".
15. In the grand scheme of things, are you happy?	Absolutely
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

I've Been Tagged...

2005-05-25T12:20:00.000-05:00

Thanks, kaylem, for tagging me…

1. Total number of books I've owned

Over the years lg and I have consistently owned more books than we had shelf space, which is contradictory to how I feel about owning books. My dad instilled in me at a very young age the principle of reading and passing on books so they can be enjoyed by as many people as possible. A total number of books? We have owned hundreds, if not thousands, over the years.

2. The last book I bought

Carrie’s Story by Molly Weatherfield – An adventure into one woman’s venture into the world of S&M. A pretty good book – A little more up-to-date look at the lifestyle than The story of O, which we also bought at the same time and I enjoyed as well. (told you we were new to this…lol)

3. The last book I read

Utopia by Lincoln Child – An easy and uncomplicated read, although his research on how professional fireworks are hand-fired was a little lacking.

4. 5 books that mean something to me

The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint – The first book I ever read that changed the way I looked at the world around me and how the written word can take you anywhere…I was nine years old.

Watership Down by Richard Adams – Another book that affected me deeply…

The entire Foundation series by Isaac Asimov – A look at how time and space are relative and how we fit into it (in a nut shell)…

The Lord of the Ring series by J.R.R. Tolkien – I have read this series every eight or nine years since I was ten and gotten a different message from it each time. I loved the movies, for what they were, but how they could just delete Tom Bombadil from the story I will never understand.

The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff – A look at Taoism and other eastern philosophies from a western perspective. I love this book. While I was reading it I felt like it was describing things in my life that I hadn’t been able to put my finger on before.

5. Tag 5 people and request they fill this out on their journals

Ok, I think that all the people I could tag have already been tagged except two…

ash

little girl

Have fun...

Thanks for the comments! People really are reading this...lol

2005-05-24T14:17:00.000-05:00

I decided to post my response to the comments from my previous post because I’m not sure how many characters the comments section will allow, and as some may have noticed, I can ramble on a bit.

Kalem – Since I got the link from your blog, I had the feeling you would like the first one. If I’m not mistaken, it’s very similar to yours.

Anonymous – Thanks for the input. Since we are new at this, the difference between latex and leather never really crossed my mind. Something to keep in mind, for sure. As far as MY choosing the collar that I like, I happily give this choice to lg. My grandfather used to raise and train horses and he used to say that while corporal punishment was a very big part of the training process, there were other more subtle means of getting the horse to do as he wanted, especially at first. You have to find a way to make them feel THEY are the ones making the decision. lg and I are at the gate of this lifestyle, peering through to the other side, toeing that ‘line’. We can see the surface of things in there, but we have to ENTER the gate to get the deeper understanding that we are looking for. And its scary as Hell! Especially for lg. And anything that helps her step through is, at this point, the most important thing.

Terri – I like them all too! : )

Nuala – My response to your comment is also a response to the last part of anonymous’s as well. Right now lg and I are not 24/7. I think it has to start out this way and because of this, lg is having trouble separating ‘real’ life with our D/s experimentation. It is also hard for her to let go of control, considering she is somewhat of a controloholic in her ‘real’ life. I believe this is at the core of her desire for this lifestyle in the first place. When I collar her it will be a symbol of her submission and my dominance of her, but also a concrete representation of who she is when she wears it. She will no longer be my wife, but my little girl, whom I can do with as I please, separating her two lives. She will be expected to do as I ask, without question. Our D/s time may not always be this way, but I wish not to project what way it will be. We will start out this way and see how things progress. I think that her doing this will help her in her ‘real’ life in so many ways, and that the two lives may eventually start to blend together like is apparent with some of the more experienced subs whose blogs I read. But again, this is a projection. So, I agree that the collar must mean what it implies. This is why I chose only collars with rings attached; so that there is no confusion as to what it represents. lg has found quite a few collars that she likes and wants that are frilly and pretty and she will get them when the time comes. But her first, like you both said, should be utilitarian and be representative of her commitment to this. How often will she wear it? Well, after I collar her on that Friday in June (which I think we are taking off from work as well as Thursday for obvious reasons), she will wear it until Sunday evening. We will then discuss the weekend together and make determinations about how and when we will do it again, for how long, etc.

I know it may seem to a lot of people who read my blog, especially other subs, that I worry about what lg wants maybe too much; that, as a dom, kowtowing to her so much is contradictory to what she actually wants. But the fact is that we MUST go slow. Think back to when you first started a D/s or M/s relationship for the first time. There are so many nuances to any relationship and this lifestyle only adds more. Plus, many of the subs I read started those relationships with the lifestyle in mind from the beginning. lg and I have a twenty year history together. Some of the things that kept us together help us in this new lifestyle, but others make it harder and in some cases, have to be unlearned. And as I said in one of my very first posts here, I will not allow any of this to jeopardize what we have taken so long to build.

It is a huge help to get feedback to my thoughts and helps me work through them and get on to new issues. When Gabriel and kaylem came back to us after their scare, they talked about how they had to come back because the online community was their only support system. This is the same for us. My best friends are lg’s brothers, so I can’t even bring up vanilla sex in our normal ‘guy’ talk, let alone D/s. So, thanks for the comments and I look forward to any advice/criticisms anyone has for me.

C.

We’ve Made It Around The Bend…

2005-05-23T12:27:00.000-05:00

The bills are finally getting caught up and all of the boy’s trips this summer are finalized. We are still having to watch our money very closely, but we are definitely over the hump. The boy’s first trip is to Boston for a week, so that leaves lg and I alone from June 9 to June 15.
So, this is what I am proposing for our first week alone in several years.

Thursday, June 9th – The boy’s plane for Boston leaves in the morning, so we will have to take the day off from work. Our boss gave me three days and nights in our town’s best 5-star hotel and dinner at a 5-star restaurant as a bonus a few months back, so lg and I will go to dinner and use one of the nights in the hotel. This will be a celebration of two things. First, a reward to lg for her creative financing over the last several months which is allowing our son to be a globetrotter for the summer (his destinations include D.C., Boston, L.A., Virginia and twelve cities in Australia, including a night with an Aborigines tribe). Second, this will be a reward to ourselves for doing all the hard things we have done for each other to stay together for so long. We will also use the evening to discuss and reassert our desires when it comes to the new D/s lifestyle we are exploring.

Friday, Jun 10th – Assuming that our discussions of the previous night go well, we will go home after work and I will officially collar lg for the weekend. Lg has never been collared, and I think it will help with our distinction between our ‘real’ lives and our D/s lives. Neither of us has ever been one for ceremony, but I think a short ritual with both of us having a portion of time to say what we feel is important. We will also come up with our ‘safe word’. Also, lg must pick from several choices I give her for her first collar by this day. Here are her choices:

Lock & Chain Dress Collar Fifth one from the top...

Note: I’d be curious to know what any subs that read this (if any) or anyone else would choose. Leave a comment with your choice.

Sunday, June 12th - We will have another discussion on Sunday evening to see what we both liked, disliked, etc. We will then decide where to go from there.

Until then, we will continue our lives the way we have been when it comes to D/s. I have not been particularly demanding and lg has not been particularly submissive, but I realize it has given us both time to examine what we really want. This gives us seventeen more days to get our focus back on us.

I look forward to this week in June very much. I will miss and worry about the boy immensely, but lg and I need this time alone sooooo badly!

Keep Living.

C.

We look forward to spring…and then what?

2005-05-16T14:00:00.000-05:00

Maybe its just me, but it seems like all the D/s blogs I read seem to be going through the same things…decidedly NON-D/s feelings. A major case of the BLAs all around. This is going on with us as well. I was sick for several days and lg has been fighting her stress levels for all she is worth. We have paid off the boy’s trip…now if we can just come up with money to eat for the next few weeks. lol Truthfully, we are almost through it and having an end in sight is a huge help. All these things contribute to my not feeling very Dominate and lg not being very submissive.

On Friday night around 2am I couldn’t sleep and had a raging hard-on. I went into our bedroom and turned lg over on her back. I slid between her legs and was going to slip something else into her when she woke up. It was not a nice encounter. She pulled her knees to her chest and forced me to my side of the bed. I then (stupidly) tried again. Again, she forced me off of her, this time with a few choice words for me. Now, in my defense, this tactic has worked before and many times with fantastic results. But this time, she was in no mood.

I have been thinking about this incident a lot since it happened. lg has still been distant from me. She says that it is because of the day-to-day struggles that we are going through, but I’m starting to think its more than that. The following is NOT going to sound very Dom-like.

I may have troubles putting these into words but here are some problems I’m having.

1. I am not feeling like a good Dom.
This new ‘position’ as Dom has me feeling inadequate for lg in ways that I didn’t feel before I took it. I have always thought of the two of us as equals in every way. Now that I have been paying more attention to what she and I do for each other, I come to the realization that we are not equal. Truthfully? When it comes to day-to-day things, she does more, period. She does everything I do, plus about 75% more. I always thought of myself as a ‘provider’ for lg, but now I am having to redefine exactly what I’m providing her with. It certainly isn’t what most consider as provider (take care of bills, make the money, etc.).

2. I feel like lg is waiting for me to do something.
As we grow into this new style of relationship, I find myself LESS decisive than I did before. Issues between us that have always been dealt with (for the most part) at the time the issue came up, I now find myself hesitating and find lg, I think, doing the same. I also can’t seem to find a rhythm when it comes to showing my dominance over her (which, lately, I have been having to remind myself over and over that she asked for this), of which last Friday night is a prime example. Does she really want this, or is the whole idea a way for her to get more attention from me, considering that I, myself, have seen how much more I do pay attention to her now. Also, the few Doms that have blogs that I can find all seem to be in total control of themselves and the world around them at ALL times. What do I do when something like last Friday night goes so wrong? Do I then have to start from the beginning with her? I know that part of the ‘play’ is to do things for and to lg without her having to ask. But really, that seems to leave the possibility of mistakes (especially on my part) to be made and those mistakes can do more than just ruin the mood on a given evening. Yet, I always seem to sense from her this desire for me to just ‘take’ her, giving her freedom from the day-to-day responsibilities.

3. What do I do when lg decides she does NOT want to be submissive today?
I know that part of my job is to ‘see’ what she wants and to deliver it to her. I have dedicated my life to that. But the current situation has me at somewhat of a loss. How do I really know what lg is truly needing? Random example: After work, lg is stressing over important, if mundane, things that we cannot change this evening. She is breaking out in hives, is breathing heavy and is snapping at everyone. I know that the things she is worried about cannot be fixed tonight and that she should be taking this time to relax, regenerate. How do I get her out of this funk? On the one hand, I could take the logical approach and sit her down and help her see how nothing will change tonight and that she has done everything she can. On the D/s hand, I could take her in the bedroom, tie her wrists and ankles to the bed and give her ten whacks with the cane, and then explain. I want to do the latter, especially since the explanations alone lately have not seemed to be helping her much and I really think this is what she wants me to do, even if she isn’t saying it. But I won’t know for sure until I do something, and if it was the wrong thing to do, it’s too late.

4. I want lg to PROVE her submission to me.
While lg does things for me everyday and that can serve as proof of her submission, she still struggles with total submission. At the beginning of all this, I said that I wanted her to prove her LOVE for me. This made her very angry, and I understand. It wasn’t what I meant (and I am discovering the importance of saying EXACTLY what you mean). I want lg to prove her SUBMISSION is what I should have said, and have said to her since. I know she needs time for this, and the current events of our lives have not helped. But I feel like our D/s relationship can’t go much further without this. I also know that pressuring her right now could kill the whole thing. But I don’t truly think I can ‘take’ lg until she proves to me that it is not only OK, but what she really wants.

5. lg is afraid of me.
Not in the sense that she thinks I will be bad to her. I think that she is dealing with these (not-so) new feelings within her and where they will take her, which is hard in itself. But I also think that she is afraid of where I might take her. I had a very adventurous sex life before her and have gone places, especially when it comes to pain, since we have been together that I think that she thinks she can’t handle. She believes that I will go too far too fast. I have been taking this whole process very, very slow for this very reason. But she has to take that first step over the ‘line’, I can’t push her over it. I think she believes, no matter what I say, that once she steps over the line, I won’t be able to control myself. I guess her trust in me is still a bit shaky, even after nineteen years. I understand, though. Maybe it’s BECAUSE of those nineteen years.

Overall, things are still good, if tense. I can only hope that lg always knows how much I love her and if she decides today that all this was a mistake, I will not love her any less. I will be here for her as long as I live and beyond if it is possible.

I should redo the explanation of this blog as “A Place For Dominates (namely me) To Feel Sorry For Themselves (mainly myself)”.

“It’s great to be the Boss!” Yea, right.

Keep Living.

C.

And The Stress Continues...

2005-05-05T14:30:00.000-05:00

I was wrong in a previous post…the deadline for the boy’s trip is May 15, so we have 10 days left. The stress is building for both lg and I, but it’s harder for lg. I am usually able to let issues go when I know there isn’t anything I can do about it at that moment. lg is not like this. She will think about every little aspect of what is going on until it makes her sick. To her credit, she is much better at letting things go now than she used to be, but it is still a struggle.

The money situation is a little overwhelming. I mean, when you have to worry about how much milk you’re drinking, you know your cutting things close. We sent out letters to all of our family and some close family friends to ask for financial help with our son’s trip. I absolutely hated sending those letters…I don’t want to ask anyone for anything. But, I couldn’t let my pride be responsible for him missing this opportunity, so we sent them. Boy, you really get to see who is who when you do something like that. For instance, lg’s grandparents, who are on a fixed income, sent $250 while a close friend, who has known the boy all his life and happens to be a multi-millionaire, sent $100. I know, how could I possibly complain, he didn’t have to send anything, but damn, he knows what our financial situation is and it feels like that $100 is him flipping us a quarter and saying “Don’t bother me!” Others have yet to send anything and if they don’t, then we may be in real trouble.

Our work has been very stressful lately too. Last week I got into a heated discussion with my boss. She is one of those people that is much more interested in appearances than in reality. To her, if everyone looks happy, then they are and that is the way she likes it. To hell with the fact that people aren’t happy. She wants no conflict, ever, even if a little conflict can take care of a problem and actually make things better. She ended our ‘discussion’ by saying “…if you don’t like your job here, then why don’t you just find another one!” I calmly left the building. An hour later, I had to go back and kiss her ass to keep my job, even though I was absolutely right. I was still wiping the shit off my chin when I got home that night. Ten years ago I would have told her exactly what I thought of the stupid bitch, but I have learned not to burn bridges unless it is absolutely necessary. I am currently looking for another job.

lg works at the same place I do on the same floor. We deal with the same people, so when all that happened last week, lg had to deal with it at work as well as at home. She handled it well, like we always do when it comes to work (we have worked at the same place together at four different companies in two different fields over the last twenty years). But it still adds to our overall stress level.

In addition, the boy has gotten a D on both of his last two report cards. He has started dating and is putting his social life ahead of school work. I know this is normal for his age (twelve), but again, it adds to stress. I, personally, am having trouble with the fact that he is not only dating girls with boobs, they are HOT! Maybe I’m crazy, but I don’t remember twelve year old girls looking like that when I was twelve! I took the boy’s girlfriend and his best friend’s girlfriend home from the movies last Friday night and couldn’t believe that their parents would let them out of the house dressed like that! They both had on white, skin-tight blouses that left absolutely nothing to the imagination, and mini-skirts so fucking short, I could see both their panties in the headlights of my car as they walked up the driveway of their house after I dropped them off! I have had several talks with the boy about sex, drugs and life in general, but I think he is due for another. Still, thank God we had a boy!

And it all adds to our stress.

And then there is lg and I, and the ways our relationship is changing. All the things we have been talking about and dealing with and the closeness I think we are getting to should not be adding to our stress, but helping relieve it. It doesn’t seem to be, though.

lg has been very withdrawn in the last week or so. I have done nothing to try to change this, believing that she needs time on her own. I know that I do. While I think that a few whacks from the cane would help her let go of the things that she cannot control right now, I don’t push the subject, or even bring up D/s issues right now. Mainly because I don’t want her feeling like she is being punished for anything she is doing right now. She is taking care of things in her life the best way she can. I only want to have a session to distract her, and me, but NOT to punish her.

Day before yesterday, lg started trying to catch up on her blowjob sessions. She had got up to owing me seventy minutes. Again, I did not make an issue of it except to mention how long she owed every now and then. On her own, she decided to start catching up on Tuesday. She spent five minutes of every hour sucking until 11pm. It was very pleasant for me (she is getting extremely good at it!), if a little frustrating considering we did not have sex that night. She told me before we went to sleep that she wanted to make sure that I didn’t think that her moodiness lately was because of me. I told her that I knew that and that she should just concentrate on herself with whatever free time she had (which isn’t much). Today, during lunch, she said again that she felt that I was angry/upset/depressed about her distance from me. I told her that I understood and that it was OK. All I can do right now, I think, is keep letting her do what she needs to and try to support her whenever I can.

I know that all this doesn’t really sound like a couple into D/s. The truth is we are NOT a D/s couple…yet. We are working into it the way we have worked into other stages of our lives like we always have. And we have always survived the transition and have come out of it stronger. Sure, I want to ravage lg whenever I want. I want to feel the welts on her ass under my fingertips and hear her thank me for them. And I believe I will. But like anything worthwhile, it’s worth waiting for.

God, I can’t wait for July!

C.

Bored At Work

2005-04-29T14:26:00.000-05:00

Got bored at work...

Click Here to see large version...

C.

Everyday Life

2005-04-27T14:34:00.000-05:00

There is a theme in a bunch of the posts lately from the blogs I read. Everyday life. lg and I are just getting into this lifestyle and the chores and trials of everyday life seem to be our biggest obstacle so far, not our actual relationship, although the two are connected.

At first, when day after day there was no ‘D/s’ going on, I thought (and so did lg, I think) that we were doing something wrong; that I wasn’t being Dominate enough or lg wasn’t being ‘sub’ enough. As time went by, however, I started to look at our relationship now and over the years in relation to our everyday life. And that is when I realized that we have been D/s-ing since we met. It is a part of who we are and how we react to each other. Some of the things that we did with each other in daily life were destructive and, in some cases, just plain mean. But almost twenty years of communicating together helped us find what was or was not acceptable to each of us. This is the foundation of D/s, as well as marriage, not just the bedroom games. Seeing this and recognizing it is also major progress, for me anyway.

Another thing that I have realized while examining these everyday life issues is how much lg truly does every day, not just for me, but everyone in her life. She does all the things that it takes to keep a household, is a wonderful mother to our boy, takes care of her parents in whatever way she can, looks after her two teenage brothers as if they were her own, all while working a forty hour week OUTSIDE the home. Fucking Amazing! Because of these realizations, I have found myself in a strange situation. Now that we have defined and declared our D/s relationship to each other, I find that I am doing more day to day stuff (i.e. housework, taking care of bills, helping with family, etc.) as lg’s Dominant than I ever have before. I just recognize her day to day contributions more. And that is how it should be. Give and take, like always, only now I am paying more attention.

Also, with all the things she has claimed responsibility for in her life, when in the world will she have time to take care of me?!? lol…That’s the funny thing. She takes better care of me now than she ever has. But I think we look at it differently now. She WANTS to take care of ALL my needs, and we are discovering that, in doing so, she is taking care of her own needs much better as well. lg knowing that I see everything she does changes the dynamic for her and taking care of me, especially sexually, is no longer just another ‘chore’.

Nuala is right in her post today. The everyday interaction between partners defines their relationship as much as anything that is done in the bedroom or ‘dungeon’. I love lg in every way, no matter what ‘hat’ she maybe wearing at the time. She takes care of me in every way that I expect, to the best of her ability and with loving enthusiasm. How could anyone ask anything more from their submissive.

C.

Update

2005-04-26T13:56:00.000-05:00

I haven’t had the chance to write for awhile. We currently don’t have internet access at home and work has been nuts. lg and I have been getting along pretty well considering the pressures we are currently under. We have eight days until the deadline for getting the boy’s tuition in for his trip abroad. We will then spend the next six weeks trying to catch up on the bills we didn’t pay. Needless to say, there hasn’t been much D/s going on. lg now owes me sixty minutes on her blowjob training…lol.

We are going back to Virginia for the fourth of July to shoot our hometown’s professional fireworks display. I am already getting the pre-game adrenalin rush that always precedes a show. Nothing like blowing up eight or nine thousand pounds of explosives by hand to getcha pumped! I shoot over three hundred three inch shells while lg shoots forty to sixty six inch shells. I believe we are putting up a fourteen inch shell during the finale this year. BIG BOOMS! Our son leaves as soon as we get back and that gives us most of the rest of the month alone, for the first time in twelve years. I have plans to have a week long training session for us at that time. I say ‘us’ because I need training with all this as much as lg does. And, I think lg will need something to keep her mind off the fact that her baby is seven thousand miles away.

Even though we haven’t been D/s-ing, our sex lives have been pretty good also. Lg has been initiating sex a lot lately, which is unusual for her. I also think she has been taking her pussy stretching exercises seriously. This past weekend, while we were having vanilla sex, she reached between us, between her legs, and sank all four of her fingers deep inside of herself alongside my cock It felt amazing! Her grunts and groans were wild and passionate, more so than I have heard from her in a long time. She has also tasted my cum more in the last two months than our previous twenty years together.

Overall, I know things are good. It’s hard to remember that sometimes, especially when you have absolutely no money. But we will get through this. We always do. And when we come out the other side, we will be closer to each other than we were. That always happens too.

I am the luckiest man alive.

Keep Living.

C.

P.S. I’m still working on my “101 Things” list.

101 Things About Me...Chapter Two

2005-04-18T12:47:00.000-05:00

9. I want to be considered an artist. I don’t believe, however, that I have earned the title yet, but I’m getting there. http://submissionboundphotoblog.blogspot.com/

10. I’m a control freak. It has been only in the past several years that I have realized this.

11. I am NOT a clean freak. While I don’t want dirty dishes and empty beer and soda cans all over the place, an unmade bed and clothes on the floor won’t send me into a tizzy.

12. I am NOT a bigot. While I think that all of us have biases towards other types of people, I have spent my whole life trying to judge individuals as just that, individuals. I believe that a person has the basic right to do absolutely anything he/she wants as long as it does not hurt another.

13. I love ALL types of music from anywhere. While I don’t have a favorite, country is my least favorite, although I grudgingly give props to Tim McGraw.

14. I cheated on lg fifteen years ago with her best friend. The three of us partied together frequently, and the night it happened was no different. We had been playing around with the idea of the three of us having a threesome, but had never openly talked about it. We had taken turns stripping for each other and exchanging kisses throughout the night. Late that night lg went to bed and I watched TV while her friend passed out on the sofa. At some point I noticed that she was masturbating (or I thought she was, anyway) and so I started caressing her. She responded to those caresses and I eased on top of her and slid myself into her. Literally two strokes later, she moaned out lg’s name and reached out with her hands looking for her. I immediately realized what a mistake this was and stopped, apologizing profusely. She said she understood, but didn’t want to do anything bad to lg. I went to bed. The next day, while lg and I were still sleeping, our friend got up and decided to surprise her husband (yes, she was married) at work. He had just graduated the police academy and was finishing up his last week as a security guard at a local gated community. When our friend got there, her husband was dead, shot twice by the husband of his mistress. Soap opera shit, only for real. We only saw our friend again at the funeral and one other time when she came by. It was extremely awkward and we never saw her again after that.

15. I am watching lg’s brother’s eight-foot albino Burmese python while he looks for a new apartment. I thought that I wanted to keep her forever until she bit me a month ago, trying to swallow three of my fingers. FYI: While pythons do not have fangs, they certainly DO have teeth. It took lg and I five minutes and a screwdriver to get her off of me. The wounds are just starting to heal and I haven’t taken the snake out of its tank since. I’m not sure I ever will again. Live and learn.

16. It takes me a long time to become friends with someone. I hate superficial relationships and as a result, I don’t get to know people very quickly.

17. I hate small talk. This is one of lg’s most incredible qualities. She can talk to, and make feel comfortable, practically anyone, even if she has just met them. I am not this way. If I have nothing to say, I prefer saying nothing at all to just yapping about whatever.

18. I love to smoke pot and have for thirty years. I took my first puff sitting in a circle with my parents and others who lived in the commune when I was six years old. I don’t condone the giving of ANY drugs to kids, but I DO think that telling kids that all drugs are bad is a serious mistake. I choose to be totally honest with my son on this subject and tell him that while yes, I do smoke pot on occasion and see nothing wrong with it, I will kick his ass if I find out he is doing it just like I would if I found out he was drinking or smoking cigarettes. I think that kid’s lives are hard enough without adding drugs or alcohol to the mix. When the boy turns eighteen, he can try anything he has a desire to.

19. My favorite color is any shade of blue. I just find it the most expressive for me.

20. I love eating. While I am not overweight (5’8” – 155 lbs.), I believe I could get to be if I wasn’t careful. It also doesn’t help that my father is an absolute gourmet and lg has become one as well. She loves to cook and I love to eat! God Bless the Food Channel! lol

21. I love computer graphics. Print, web…I love all of it. I have created many websites (you won’t get any links to them here…lol) and have had my print work published in many, many publications all along the east coast.

22. I love to write. I have only been writing consistently for about ten years, but now I can’t seem to stop. I have had a few articles published in several publications. I have an idea for an erotic thriller.

23. I want a motorcycle. I never wanted one until I moved to the beach, here in Florida. My favorite cousin was killed on a crotch rocket.

24. I LOVE THE BEACH! I love everything about it. It was a dream of lg and I to one day move to the beach, and we made it happen. Chalk one up for us.

25. While I am much more organized than I used to be, I don’t think I could be classified as organized in general.

More to come…

C.

101 Things About Me (Chapter one...lol)

2005-04-12T15:17:00.000-05:00

1. I was born in Fort Worth, Texas. My folks were there for a job interview as camera people, so I was only there two weeks.

2. I spent the first eight years of my life living in a commune with from ten to forty people. From 1970 to 1974 the commune was located at Laniard Place in downtown Washington, D.C. It was a community dedicated to racial equality. In a space of a month in 1974, my father was severely beaten by pissed off black people. The first time, he and my mother were pulled from a car during a riot. My father was beaten badly with bats and bottles. Luckily, my mother escaped relatively unharmed. The second time my father was beaten, three weeks later, was by a group of eight or ten black men who though it inappropriate for him to be walking down the street with a black woman. The woman he was walking with lived at the commune. Two weeks later, my father started a new commune in the country in Virginia dedicated to social change by working within the system. We left D.C. because my father didn’t want to risk my mother or my safety, NOT because he was afraid.

3. My folks were part of what is now called a polyamorous relationship. For the first ten years of my life, I had two mothers. They shared all responsibilities for me (I am an only child). They all slept in the same bed. I told people my second mom was my aunt. When I was twelve, she told my parents that she wanted a ‘normal’ family and left; cold turkey. She told them this in a hotel room the night before my placement audition at North Carolina School of the Arts (NCSA). Needless to say, I botched the audition and was placed with the “Why Are They Even Here” group. I lasted two semesters before being kicked out. None of the $14,000 my folks payed for a year there was refunded. Hell of a way to start my teen years.

4. I have played violin since I was six. I could mimic practically any melody by the time I was ten. In addition to NCSA, I went to Meadowmount School of Music, the summer program for Juliard School of Music, for 2 summers. From the time I was nine until I was fourteen, I practiced a minimum of four hours a day, seven days a week. During my classical training I used my ear to cheat by listening to recordings of the pieces that I was working on. Hence, I never actually learned how to read music, fooling all of my instructors. After that I started playing blues and bluegrass, winning many contests and competitions. When I was thirteen, I played at a bluegrass convention for a crowd of 18,000 people. It was VERY cool. I haven’t played for anyone but immediate family for over 20 years.

6. I lost my virginity at the age of twelve to, literally, the girl next door, who was also twelve. The decline of my music ‘career’ can be traced, in large part, to this moment. The moment I discovered that I could ‘play’ the female body as well as I could play violin. Major keys to both are attention and focus, a little talent, and the right instrument. My focus and attention was easy for me…I absolutely LOVE women! The talent is something I have only God to blame for and as far as the instrument…well…a twelve year old with a fully grown, eight inch cock has a bright future when it comes to sex. After that first time having sex, the ages of my girlfriends throughout my teen years ranged from two to ten years my senior. And there were many. And I wouldn’t take any experience I had with any of them back. I know, a fourteen year old boy with a twenty four year old woman sounds a little weird (not to mention illegal) but every one of those women helped me become the man I am now, and I won’t apologize for it. This is a discussion that lg and I have had often, and disagree vehemently on.

7. When I was seventeen I had a fight with my twenty year old girlfriend. Since I hadn’t gotten my license yet, I decided to hitchhike from her house to mine, a twenty minute ride. I was picked up by a 300 lb. black guy. I didn’t get home until a very long eighteen hours later. When I got in the car, the man asked me if I wanted to drink a few beers before he dropped me off. Being pissed at the time (and still being extremely naïve for all my ‘maturity’) I said sure. The next eighteen hours were some of the scariest I have ever had to face in my life. To make a VERY long story short, he told me that he wanted to ‘play’ with me and that he would take me home when he was ready. We got as far as 200 miles from where I lived. I am still proud of myself for the way I handled the situation overall. As soon as I knew I was in trouble, I started treating the whole situation like a date. So when I would refuse an advance from him, he saw it as my being coy, even charming. I kept him talking about his life in general, and when he would fall silent, I would start talking about mine. While I was fondled and was forced to fondle him (he was huge) I was not raped. At its worst point, sometime in the middle of the night, he parked on a deserted country road next to a dumpster. He told me that he was going to break me in half and put my body in the dumpster and no one would ever know about it. To this day, I cannot remember what I said to him to change his mind. But he did change his mind. He ended up dropping me off at my cousin’s house (I didn’t want him knowing where I lived) with the promise of picking me up the following week for another “date”. My cousin, ready to kill after I told him what had happened, rode me around for hours looking for his car until we found it parked in an apartment complex near where he had picked me up. The next morning, my cousin’s girlfriend took me to the police station. I recorded a statement for them and the police took me to the apartment complex and I pointed out the car. They called it in and got an apartment number. With me standing in the entranceway to his building, stairs leading up and down, they knocked on the door at the top of the stairs. To my surprise, the man came out of an apartment that was located down the other stairs and we were face to face. If I had had anything in my stomach, I would have puked on the spot. The man smiled until I called out and the officers came down and proceeded to handcuff him. The look on his face was one of pure hatred. As he passed me in that hallway he mumbled that he knew he should have killed me. I have never been so utterly terrified in my life, not before and not since. When I got back to the police station a detective came in to talk to me. He told me several things. First, the man had been accused of molestation and/or kidnapping three times before. Two of those times, the case never got into court. The victims had dropped all charges. The third had been dismissed for lack of evidence. He then told me that, because I wasn’t actually raped, the chances of convicting the guy were minimal and that even if he were convicted, he would be out in less than a year. He said that he was very sorry, but the whole process would be considerably harder on me than on the man and I should think real hard before continuing. Two hours later I was back at my cousin’s house and the man had been released. I never saw him again. While this is the first time I have ever written this experience down, I did get over the ordeal. The only thing that really bothers me about the whole thing is that I don’t believe for a second that the guy stopped. And what if his next victim or victims weren’t as fast of talkers that I was.

8. I have just reread the first seven things on my list and I know what the number eight thing about me is: Damn, I’m long winded! This was supposed to be a fairly light-hearted task and I’ve turned it into my life story. Once I started, it just came pouring out. I will post these for now and I promise to keep it more brief and not so negative. Not everything in my life has been bad. Lol

C.

No Session Again This Weekend

2005-04-11T13:54:00.000-05:00

We had another great weekend spending quality time together for the third or fourth weekend in a row. Our discussions of this new lifestyle are already providing something for us that we have needed for a long time. And, truthfully, it has nothing to do with D/s. We used to spend time together as much as we could, but after so many years together, we had started using spare time for our own selfish needs to the detriment of our relationship.

Saturday night, with the boy spending the night with a friend, was, once again, supposed to be session time. Once again, we ended up talking all night and never got to the session. This is my fault. Here are a few reasons I think so.

1. We get very little ‘alone’ time together. When we DO get some, and things are going well, I want to spend time talking with the only person who understands me. At this point, this preempts my desire to discipline or even have sex with lg. This worries me a little. I want to help lg get to where she wants to be in this lifestyle, but, so far, I have mostly chosen not to, prefering to talk with her. The reason I am only a little worried is that I believe the talking will help me immensely when we DO start session regularly.

2. I’m afraid. There, I said it. The responsibility that comes along with trying to manage lg’s life (which, essentially, is what she is asking for) is weighing on me heavily. The first steps we are taking towards this goal involves her sexuality. The line that I will have to toe is precarious. She wants me to extend her desires, but in order to do that, I have to cross that line into uncharted areas, and find a place to draw a new line; a line that will be crossed again in the future. Scary shit.

3. How can I start managing lg’s life when I can barely manage mine. This is self-doubt talking, because I know that I AM managing my life very well now. I haven’t always, in the past. And it has been lg that has managed both our lives in the past to get me to this point. So who am I to tell her how she should run her life? Intelligently, I know the answer. Because it’s my turn and I owe it to her. Emotionally, however, it’s hard to get past the 15 or so years that she did it for me.

So I will continue to enjoy the fairly vanilla ways that lg uses to show her obedience and prove her submission to me and pay close attention to the discussions we have. She has to cross that line first, in order to give the reigns of her life to me and she is coming closer everyday. I just have to be ready and able (I have been willing my whole life) to take those reigns when she is ready to give them to me.

On a lighter subject: lg’s training in giving head are cumming (sorry…couldn’t help myself) along beautifully. She has been spending five minutes a day worshiping my cock. If, for any reason, she is unable to do this, the five minutes is tacked on to the next day. On Sunday morning, it was up to 20 minutes. She only gagged once that I noticed and has been getting deeper every time she does it. And she has started moaning. Oh, my, how that pleases me. With her having to worry about gagging less and less, I believe she is actually starting to enjoy it (I always new she would, eventually). And she did something that she has only done three or four times since we have been together. I came on her face. AND she left her mouth open so some cum got in (not much but still). AND she didn’t immediately act as if I had burned her with acid! lol

Also, annissa (www.lifeashis.com) was given an assignment of coming up with a list of 101 things about herself. It is a great idea, especially the way she did it. So, lg and I are both doing our own lists. They will be posted as soon as we finish them. As annissa pointed out, it’s not nearly as easy a task as I had originally expected it to be.

Thanks for reading.

Keep Living.

C.

All Our Blogs are Set Up

2005-04-08T12:13:00.000-05:00

lg's blog and our photo blog are now set up. Here are the links.

http://submissionbound.blogspot.com/

http://submissionboundphotoblog.blogspot.com/

C.

2005-04-07T15:35:00.000-05:00

Here is a sketch I did when I was 16. I drew it in high school and was suspended out-of-school for 5 days for it. A little extreme, in my opinion, but I believe the principle (a woman) was just offended with the subject matter, not the fact that it showed his dick.

C.

Another Interesting Weekend

2005-03-31T16:38:00.000-05:00

Lg did a good thing this past Saturday. She got her brothers to watch the boy for the night. She had to go somewhere with her Mom for the day, but when she got home at 8pm, it was just me and her. I had told her the previous day that she would receive her ten strokes, which were now over two weeks overdo, on Saturday night. She responded by getting our son out of the house for it.

And then I surprised her. When she got home on Saturday and we were alone, I announced that I would NOT be giving her her do this evening. To my great surprise (and pleasure, I might ad), the look on her face was one of great disappointment. I have to say that this is the very first time since we have started this adventure that I have seen this look unless it was because she WAS to receive a punishment.

The reason I decided to postpone her strokes had to do with a few things I had a chance to really think about while lg had been with her Mom. You see, we are nowhere near a 24/7 D/s relationship yet. Our ‘sessions’ have been determined mainly by opportunity. This has led to a lot of confusion and even hard feelings at times. So I spent the day on Saturday coming up with a few rules/guidelines for when our sessions would take place and what they would consist of. They are as follows:

Overall

1. During our sessions you will not be addressed by your given name, but by little girl or lg. You will do everything possible to please and serve me. I think this separation of yourself between ‘sessions’ and ‘real life’ will help you a lot.

2. One hour on Tuesday and Thursday will be sessions. I may use you in any way I see fit, including but not limited to sex, writing in your journal or for your blog or just to allow you to escape your ‘real life’ responsibilities.

3. One hour on Monday, Wednesday and Friday is to be ‘relaxation sessions’. They are for you. You may do as you wish during these sessions, as long as they help you relieve stress. This might be a good time for your exercises. You are to announce these sessions to me.

4. If any of these weekday sessions are skipped, excluding reasons of circumstance, you will receive two strokes during the weekend session. There will be at least one session every weekend, duration to be determined (but no less than one hour). If a weekend session is skipped for ANY reason, you will receive ten strokes in the next session.

Basic Rules During Sessions for lg

1. You are not to look me in the eyes unless I initiate it.

2. You are not to speak unless I ask you to. If speaking is absolutely necessary, you must ask permission before continuing.

3. Failure with the previous two rules will result in two strokes.

4. Always remember, during sessions you are NOT a wife or mother, you are a slave; MY slave. You are little girl and the ONLY thing you need to be thinking about is how you can please me.

5. You are to remain demure and respectful at all times. Negative reactions to requests will result in strokes, number to be determined. You are to try to initiate actions that you know please me without always having to be asked to.

6. You are to trust me always and refuse me nothing.

Basic Rules During Sessions for Me

1. I will never, for now, do more than one ‘new’ thing during a given session.

2. I will ALWAYS pay the closest attention to how and what you are feeling.

3. I will never get too ‘buzzed’ to follow rules one and two.

These are the basic rules we will follow for now, after lg and I had spent late into the night discussing/negotiating them. It was one of the most fun and productive evenings we have spent in a long time. There was no ‘session’ that night and we talked until dawn for the first time in probably 15 years. For my part, I rediscovered how intelligent she is (something I should NEVER forget) and how extremely sexy her intelligence is. The idea that subs are stupid girls with no personality couldn’t be further from the truth. Not that stupid girls with no personality don’t exist, just that I doubt they have the capacity to even approach a subject such as this.

C.

Conscious Shadow

2005-03-25T15:24:00.000-05:00

I wrote this poem a few years ago. Rereading it now, with this new lifestyle in mind, it takes on a little different meaning than before. While a few of the lines don’t fit perfectly, overall, it still fits pretty damn well.

I want to be lg’s Conscious Shadow…

Conscious Shadow

I feel him with me always,
Like a protective Parent’s gaze on my first date,
A barely noticed reassurance that follows me, watches me, protects me.

He sees my failings, and commiserates.
He is there for my triumphs, with a comfortable pat on the back.
He is there to direct, console and urge,
Helping me find my correct course.

I take him for granted,
Believing he will always be there,
To embrace and envelop me when I am sad, heartbroken, moved.
To scold me when I am wicked, callous, unforgiving.

He never complains,
Even when I ignore him.

He never criticizes,
When I do not heed his advice.

He never glorifies my success,
Keeping me humble.

While I depend on him for guidance,
My appreciation of him is minimal,
For he asks for none.

Only in total darkness
Does he find peace
From my never-ending onslaught of requirements of him.

Only in total darkness
Is he allowed quiet
Against my noisy existence.

Only in total darkness
Am I ever truly alone.

I am afraid of the dark.

Without him I am blind,
Unable to evaluate my own life lessons.

Without him I am deaf,
Unable to heed the beauty and dangers that surround me.

Without him I am mute,
Unable to express my thoughts, my feelings.

Without him I am misplaced,
Invisible to myself.

Without him I am lost.

C.

BDSM On A Budget

2005-03-17T19:36:00.000-05:00

lg and I have been reading D/s blogs for close to five months now and I have seen a trend in most of the writing. Most of these people have money! Maybe not all of them have Warren Buffett type money, but most do seem to be on the high end of the pay scale. lg and I are not in this category. While we are moving toward the top of our field, our field’s pay scale seems to be on the lower end. So, we are continuously struggling financially. I also made some poor choices as a teen and young adult that has put us behind financially. Our son was also selected for a trip to Australia this summer, so we are trying to come up with the money for that, too. With all that said, I have always been one to be thankful for the things I do have and put little importance on “becoming rich”.

Another thing that we are discovering is that this Lifestyle can be expensive! Browsing the BDSM equipment sites has been an eye-opener, for sure. lg and I have learned over the past two decades together to find ways of using things longer and making things last in order to save money. It is the same with our current obsession, as well.

Here are a few things I have done so far to get/improvise toys and equipment for our new Lifestyle:

Flogger: Leather is EXPENSIVE! While nothing can replace the look, smell and feel of heavy gauge leather, there are some things a non-rich person like myself can do to make do. The leather in my home-made flogger was acquired from a backseat car organizer, the kind that is supposed to attach to the back of the front seat. You can usually find these pretty cheap at dollar stores. I got mine for $9.95, and, while it was not the thickest, it was made of real leather. I then cut out the back and cut it into thin strips. I tied one end of the strips together with a small piece of twine. Cutting out the bottom piece of a coat hanger (about ten inches), I threaded it through the strips behind the twine and folded it in half. I then squeezed the two ends of the wire together and inserted it into one of those cheap, foam bicycle handlebar grips ($3.95). When the wire is released inside the grip, it expands and lodges tight. So, for about $15 and a piece of twine, we now have a flogger and I am happy to say that lg says that it is her very favorite.

Cane: Now I know that finding a reasonably priced cane shouldn’t be that hard, but I swear, I can’t find even a simple, unadorned one for less than $70. So, since no D/s closet/chest should be without one, once again I improvised. The solution came to me on my lunch break at work one day. I sped over to K-Mart and found that I was right. You can find a fishing rod very cheaply. I found one on sale for $6.99. When I got home that night, I clipped it about half way down and bent the loops back and forth until they came off. I then had to bend the metal points that were left from the hoops back into the rod to keep them from having a cutting affect when used (we are WAY too new for ‘barbed’ items). I also saved the thin end that I clipped off to use as a switch at some point later on (again, too new still to use yet). While the thickness is slightly less than an average cane, it works very well and lg has begun to dread (get wet over) her severest punishments.

Vibrators: Again, expensive, expensive, expensive! We have bought several vibrators; a few small typical ones and one that lg wanted badly; one of those ugly things that twists as well as vibrates. You know the one, the one with BEADS! “You can’t beat the BEADS!” says lg. lol But I have discovered a way to get ‘good vibrations’ in a cheap and versatile way. Car seat massagers. I have tried many of these contraptions and found that the cheap ones are barely worth buying for there intended purpose. This doesn’t make them useless, though. If you take these things apart, being careful not to break any connections in the wires, you can use the vibrating ‘nodes’ anywhere you want. I found one (they had six of them) at a Salvation Army store for $10. I carefully took it apart and found it had eight nodes, all controlled by one remote. The nodes can be placed anywhere we want and held in place by surgical tape. (On a side note, we {that is, lg} learned the hard way about electrical tape…ouch!)

Dildos: Nothing can replace the soft, pliable dildos that are on the market today (save the real thing). But there are other ways of improvising this as well. I have recently started carving and am in the process of making dildos, as well as other toys, in various shapes and sizes. If all goes well, I would like to be able to have a decent enough sized inventory to get a booth and sell them for Biketoberfest in Daytona in October. I may, at some point, sell them over the web. We will see. Anyway, if you don’t mind the hardness of them, this is much less expensive than buying dildos at retail prices (assuming you carve them yourself…mine won’t be cheap either…lol).

Spreaders: I have a special liking for these devices. Seeing lg with absolutely no ability to close her legs/knees/ankles is an extreme turn on for both of us. Once again though, they are expensive. While I would dearly like to have a set of fine quality spreaders, this is what I did in the meantime. I went to Home Depot and bought a 15’ length of one inch PCV pipe for $8. I then measured lg for what lengths would be comfortable for her. Then I drilled two holes on each end and one in the middle, and ran a rope through the pipe, leaving a small loop of it through the hole in the middle, out one of the holes at the end and back in the other hole. I then ran the rope back through the pipe and did the same thing with the holes on that end and tied the rope. A small bit of rope is tied to the loop in the middle to keep it from being pulled back into the pipe. The loop can then be used to tighten or loosen the bigger loops at the end when in use. The ends of the pipe should also be sanded to keep down on the chaffing. Simple, and not very pretty, but very affective.

You can always come up with ways of getting what you need, if you want it bad enough.

This Past Weekend

2005-03-15T15:59:00.000-05:00

This weekend was a good one for us, despite the fact that our son decided NOT to spend the night away on Saturday. **sigh** Oh, well. We still got to play a little.

Friday Night: lg and I agreed that even though the boy wasn’t going anywhere this weekend, we would still be in our D/s mode. We started with shaving off all of lg’s pubic hair. She has a beautiful pussy, with large, meaty outer lips and delicate, bright pink inner lips. I then inserted a 2” diameter ball inside her pussy, which she left in while she cleaned up and made dinner; about two hours. After dinner, we both caught a slight buzz and retired to the bedroom for a two hour session of hot, loving, ‘normal’ sex.

Saturday: Saturday was to be our day-long ‘session’. I awoke to breakfast in bed. After I finished eating I positioned lg on her knees on the bed, her ass (plump and round and smooth) presented beautifully. I watched TV for a while, stroking her ass and pussy softly. I then flogged her (with my homemade flogger, thank you very much! 'D/s on a Budget'….coming soon) back and ass for about an hour. The flogging was not very severe; I had already decided that this weekend would be somewhat light, due to lg’s obvious fears and insecurities on this issue in the last week or so. I didn’t, of course, tell lg this. After the flogging, I fucked her very hard and unsympathetically. She came hard, which I allowed. For about an hour or so, I let her nap lightly, her face pressed to my chest, while I watched TV with one eye and the fading red marks on her back and butt with the other. After I made us some lunch (homemade roast beef subs), it was time for a mini-training session.

lg has always been an enthusiastic lover, always willing to try new things. She has, however, been reluctant to consistently engage in certain sexual acts and has trouble with a few. She has always had a stigma against things like cum-swallowing, anal sex and anything having to do with pee. She also, while again, very enthusiastic, has trouble with sucking cock. This is what we worked on for quite a while on Saturday.

Something that lg has wanted to do for a very long time now is have a threesome with another male. We have had several experiences with other women, and a once with another couple, but never with just another man. We have discussed this in the past but on Saturday I told her of a plan I had for this. I told her that she could have another man when she could satisfy him with ALL of her holes with NO resistance. This does two things. First, it gives lg motivation for practicing/perfecting her sexual techniques, especially deep throating and anal sex, both of which she has substantial problems with. Second, I know this will take time which will give me more time to get over my own jealousies and insecurities.

lg spent almost three hours sucking my cock on Saturday (our son spent most of the day at a friends house next door). I was extremely proud and pleased with her. At one point, she went a half hour without ever taking my cock out of her mouth. lg has a very bad gag reflex, and she came real close to throwing up a bunch of times. In the past, this would almost always affect her negatively, sometimes stopping the sexual encounter completely. On Saturday, though, when she gagged, there was barely a hesitation before she plunged my cock back down her throat. By the time I had her stop, she was sucking in 2/3 of my cock on each stroke without choking. I know that she will get to the point where she can take all of my eight inches (it really is, I swear) all the way in without a problem. Patience and practice. I also didn’t cum in her mouth. One thing at a time.

We hung out and I watched movies for the rest of the day, while lg read ‘The Story of O’ (which she finished in one day) next to me. I still exerted my will on her, i.e. giving her a slap now and then, making her be the one to get something from the kitchen, her having to ask to go to the bathroom, etc. But, for the most part, we just enjoyed being with each other. After the boy was home and holed up in his room talking to his girlfriend on the phone, we fell asleep in each others arms, the TV still on.

Sunday: Sunday was a different story all together. We spend our Sundays at lg’s folks house for NASCAR (puke!) and Sunday dinner, which lg and her mother prepare every week. lg and I were to keep up the D/s session throughout the day, keeping in mind that we couldn’t really do anything major. She said that she mainly just wanted me to be with her. As it turned out, I had to ride with one of lg’s brothers to go pick up another brother in Daytona, usually an hour ride one way. Except…this was the last weekend of BIKE WEEK in Daytona! So we ended up sitting in traffic for almost four hours. While I didn’t mind this too bad (plenty of ‘hot scenery’ to look at during Bike Week), it didn’t please lg at all. Finally, after getting back, I did what I usually do on Sundays, hung out with our son and lg’s brothers playing video games. After dinner, which we all eat together, the boys wanted me to stay and watch the movie ‘Saw’ with them. Now, I have done this before, and have had arguments in the past with lg over the fact that I don’t go out to bars (or practically anyplace else) without her. And when I do, it is almost always with her brothers (23 & 19 years old) at her mother’s house. Can’t get much safer than that! lg has, in the past, realized this and I thought that it was a non-issue now. I was wrong, again. When lg found out that I wanted to stay, first she fell into her old pattern of getting huffy and pouty about it, all the while saying that it was ok. Then, just when I was about to drive her and the boy home, she burst into tears. While it kinda made me angry, I agreed to come home with them. She continued to say it was ok that I stay, even through her sobs. I went home.

When we got home, lg and I had a very long discussion about her reaction. She told me that it was mostly due to the fact that she really needed to be with me and that she was actually mad at her self for needing me so much. What I failed to realize was that even though our weekend ‘session’ had not been very physically taxing on lg, it WAS on an emotional level. I hadn’t even officially ended the session. I learned that I have to pay VERY close attention to every aspect of a session and lg learned that she needs to tell me exactly what she is feeling, up front.

C.

NOTE: I just read through this post and don’t want to give the impression that lg is some kind of basket case. She is not. Her moodiness is perfectly understandable, considering the feelings that she is working through. There are also everyday issues (finances, the boy, etc.) that we are dealing with. We are at one of those stages in life where everything is changing so fast that it is almost impossible to keep up.

Some Background

2005-03-08T11:42:00.000-05:00

Note: It seems like there are a million questions about all this rolling around in my head. Therefore, my posts may seem a little hodge-podge at first as I lay out my thoughts, one at a time. I hope you will bear with me.

My little girl was 17 when we met and I was 18. She was a manager where I worked and over the years we have worked together pretty much wherever we have gone. If she wasn’t my direct boss, then she was always in a higher position than myself. Looking in from the outside she is a strong-willed, organized woman who has always ended up in a position of authority. While first impressions of lg (little girl) are of a sweet little thing (she is 5 feet even), she quickly earns respect from the people around her. As we have discovered, it is not uncommon for a sub to be almost the complete opposite in the ‘real world’.

Our relationship, as well as our sex life, from the very beginning, has been intense. lg has always submitted to my rather controlling demeanor and has enjoyed the assorted sexual adventures I have created over the years. While lg has always taken care of the mundane, day to day stuff, like keeping house and paying bills, ultimately, I have always made the decisions. When it came to sex (and now more than ever), lg was always a bottom, coming hardest when the sex was rough, or when I asked her to do something ‘kinky’.

Four months ago I got an untitled email from her with nothing in it but a link.

http://www.waitingforthepain.blogspot.com/

I read for about two hours and was enthralled by what I saw and what lg might be trying to tell me. Believe me when I say that I was extremely excited. I mean, I can’t think of any guy that wouldn’t be excited if their partner suddenly told them that she/he wanted to be dominated in every way. Of course, I didn’t know yet just how complicated all this could be.

Later that evening, lg and I talked about the blog she had sent me to and confirmed that yes, she did indeed want to talk about the possibility of trying this lifestyle. We talked for hours, about how our relationship has developed over the years. We both concluded that, in truth, we had been living a vanilla version of the Lifestyle for many years already. lg said that she thought that many of the problems we have had may have been from our inability to clarify what we both wanted and that, with the Lifestyle, the parameters of our relationship would be clearly defined. I agreed.

Our start into the Lifestyle the past four months has been slow, as I think it should be. We have kept it, for the most part, in our bedroom. It has been difficult due to outside influences (work, our twelve year old son) and by our own inexperience. While we have had several ‘sessions’ or ‘scenes’, some of them ending in major arguments, the Lifestyle outside the bedroom has been limited to things like my allowing her to wear thongs only or no panties at all and always lifting her skirt above her waist when riding in the car. All still very vanilla.

Some of the sessions that ended badly were my responsibility and some were hers.

Her Problem #1: lg has expressed her sincere desire for this change in our life and her desire to please me. She has always been inverted emotionally, growing up in a broken home. She has step-moms and step-dads all over the east coast. She has had to be responsible for herself and others since very early childhood. She is having a very hard time letting go of her control and submitting completely to me. She says she wants this, but then feels hurt or angry when I try to do it.

My Problem #1: I know what must be done to help her let go of control. I simply have to take it, breaking her down. There in lies my first big problem. A Dominant must be many things to their sub, confident and organized being two of the most important. But, since truthfully, lg and I basically grew up together, I give her credit for teaching me these qualities, which I must admit, I have not always had. This makes things difficult in several ways. First, she recognizes and is able to counter almost any method I use to dominate her. She knows me better than I do in a lot of ways. Second, I love this woman more than life itself, and the idea of ‘breaking her down’, while I know is what needs to be done, is a major risk. Breaking a person down can result in a broken person, and that is absolutely unacceptable. Also, how far do I break her down…I don’t want to or think I need to break her all the way. In fact, part of me is afraid that things in our relationship that are good, and have taken years to develop, might be damaged.

Possible Solution: Take it slow. While, at first, the way our new Lifestyle has been materializing seemed disorganized, I think that I am on the right track. lg is starting to trust in my ability more each day. This past weekend our only scheduled session was canceled due to our son wanting friends to spend the night at the last minute. On Sunday morning, however, I woke her up by putting a finger in her ass, which is something she has always had trouble with. She woke up kicking and screaming. I held her down, keeping my finger in place, until the yelling turned to crying and pleading. Still, I held it in place. She buried her face into my chest and cried hard. Harder, I think, than the single finger warranted. Finally her sobs subsided, and I gently pulled my finger out of her and held her close for a long while. When we finally got out of bed she told me that she loved me and was in a better mood than I have seen her in for quite awhile.

I know that we are heading for a full blown, week-long Training Session. I know that I DO have to break down many walls to get her to where she wants to be. I just have to have self control with my horniness and confidence in myself to know what to do, how long to do it and how far to go.

A New Dominant

2005-03-04T18:07:00.000-05:00

I have created this blog, basically, for two reasons. Reason One: To use as a way to work through my own thoughts about a very new part of my life. Reason Two: To get feedback from others that are into this strange, exciting, scary new world I find myself in.

You see, I found out about 4 months ago that my wife of 19 years is a submissive. Ok, after 19 years you would think that I would have known that, and I did, but we had never put an actual label on it before. It turns out that she has been reading quite a few blogs of other submissives and shared with me her desire to explore the possibility of our trying this lifestyle.

Now, I have been an avid porn fan for as long as I can remember, and have enjoyed many S&M & bondage films over the years. Only now have I started to examine the motivations behind those seemingly macho, woman bashing (literally & figuratively) scenes I have been masturbating to for so long. And there are a couple things that I figured out rather quickly.

First: Most of those movies are totally full of shit.
Second: It takes a lot more than a whip and a pair of handcuffs to take good care of a submissive.

Since my little girl (my wife) told me of her desire, I have since been reading the blogs myself and have discovered the immense subtleties and complexities of the unique relationship between the Dom and the sub. And that, truthfully, the role of the Dominant is as hard as, if not harder, than that of the submissive.

Hence the creation of my own blog. These relationships are explored in the blogs that my little girl and I have read almost exclusively from the view of the sub. While I have found some amazing information on the web created by Doms, I have found very little dialog from them (i.e. forums, decent chatrooms, blogs).

So, I will start to lay out my thoughts, feelings and problems with this lifestyle here and hope that other, more experienced, Doms will stumble upon it and maybe take a minute or two to respond to my posts.

Or, maybe, it will just sit here unread, and I will have to make due with the fact that writing all this down will help me in it’s own right.

Thanks for reading this…or not.

C.